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bitofrock t1_j15ncxq wrote

Aaah, the pleasure of failing when it isn't a big risk to you.

When you're poor, failure can mean living on the streets. You simply can't take that many risks. I had friends who would try and get me to take risks, but if it all went wrong they had their parents to stay with. I had nobody.

So I didn't fear people laughing at me for failing. I feared being destitute.

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Autumnlove92 t1_j16290l wrote

That's something I had to realize growing up. Always dreamt of that city life that you'd see on Friends and HIMYM. Turns out all those people in real life have family who pay their expenses or family to move back in with when shit goes wrong. I don't. So I had to buckle down and get real

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InfiniteDescent t1_j17gvwi wrote

That's not true. Some of them just have good jobs and work their ass off. Some of them are in debt to live a certain lifestyle. Don't think it's fair to say people living the dream you had have everything paid for by their parents, just because you couldn't do it.

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TDixPix t1_j17jts0 wrote

Despite the real world factors that affect people.today, I'm really looking forward to personal responsibility for one's situation coming back into vogue. Some of us got dealt a shitty card, but damn let's try to make sense of it and move on as best we can.

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InfiniteDescent t1_j19bmng wrote

100%. I have not seen much personal responsibility lately. Even before these external factors. It's so easy to blame someone or something else. No doubt some people are more privileged than others (probably myself included). But to sit there and expect to be successful without putting in a significant amount of effort - you're playing yourself. You have to work hard to achieve - period.

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LolaMent0 t1_j19txx5 wrote

I hope you all realize that this is the same complaint one generation has against the next… nothing new here. The same issues are repeated just with different players in different circumstances. The only significant difference is that now social media blows everything out of proportion. Don’t get sucked into it.

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MystikIncarnate t1_j17g5nx wrote

Yep. This. I'm living this now.

All my life I've had a lifeline with my father. He's always given me a roof over my head, food on the table, and a warm bed to sleep in, no matter what. He was my safety net.

He died a year ago, it's been a sobering realization while living paycheck to paycheck, that if I take the wrong step... If I take a chance and lose, I'm destitute, with nobody to lean on.

Then friends, even family, look at me strangely when I don't even touch alcohol, and don't take dumb risks at all, and don't go out and spend money on partying or going out for drinks or whatever..... Literally anything could happen and put me in the poor house. I could lose everything and it scares the shit out of me at every turn.

I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to dig myself into debt, or worse and not have anyone who is able to give me a lifeline like my dad did. I don't want to rely on anyone the way I haphazardly relied on him for so long. I must stand on my own two feet, and right now, if shit hit the fan, I couldn't. I need things to go well right now until I find some measure of security. I can't lose it. Not now. I don't have the luxury of being able to up and quit my job, if I haven't already lined up another. One missed payment and I could be out on the street.

I'm scared.

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dizzyfingerz3525 t1_j17hzw8 wrote

You say you’re afraid, but I read this and see someone who’s demonstrating strength and bravery in the face of serious consequences. I know this message doesn’t change your situation, but I just wanted to share that your comment touched me, and that I hope you’re able to gain the stability you seek. Also, happy cake day.

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bitofrock t1_j17ofah wrote

You sound to me like someone who is, however, facing and acknowledging their fears.

Try not to live like a monk, but now work to increase your income at each opportunity. Work like an immigrant. Make yourself a financial safety net. Once you know you can survive a year, or even a few months, without work you're starting to be able to relax.

Take every training program or government scheme or tax break/benefit you can get. Don't be too humble.

I went from poor terror to comfortable, and possibly am a paper millionaire now. I spent years working out how I'd reach the end of the month.

And I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I know people in this sort of situation and it's been so tough for them. But it really does get better if you just grasp your opportunities, take am active interest in your work, and crack on.

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LolaMent0 t1_j19w1zu wrote

I agree. It sounds like (s)he’s making sacrifices, something a lot of people don’t know how to do. My husband and I went through it… we actually joined the Army, got money for college, always lived under our means (still do) and made the best decisions with the information we had available. But now we own two houses outright and have a good retirement in place. We enjoy life but we made sacrifices, and they paid off. And even though our daughter grew up what some would call “privileged” she’s super thrifty and money conscious, independent and making sacrifices for her future. Keep on keeping on!

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bitofrock t1_j1as7ru wrote

Well done on doing that. The forces can be a great route for the right people.

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[deleted] t1_j19h855 wrote

[deleted]

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MystikIncarnate t1_j19leh8 wrote

My natural mentality is to be a provider. It's part of the reason I don't drink often. I'm ready, at a moment's notice, to provide help to any of my friends and family. I'm sober enough to drive and capable to handling almost anything. My weakness has always been finances. In the pursuit of being ready to assist and having reliable equipment on hand and things that won't break when I really need them, I tend to buy very durable (read, costly) items, so they don't have functional problems when I need them to function. Additionally, I tend to have a backup, or some solution I can Jerry rig as a stand in for the tools and components I have. I can cobble together what I need to get any job done.

On top of that, I've been building my life skills up, deep diving into electrical, plumbing, construction, automotive, etc. So I have a full set of tools for working on vehicles, wiring, construction, etc.... There's overlap, which provides redundancy and efficiencies in redundancies. When I have money to spend I'm usually spending it on something to perform a function that will benefit me, my family and friends. I'm becoming what my dad was for me. I'm everyone's safety net, which is why I've never expressed my dread and fear about all this to anyone in those circles. This was my first time talking about it and really admitting it "out loud".

I'm ill equipped financially, but I'm almost fully outfitted for almost every other life challenge short of full scale civil war, or worse.

I'm certified in standard first aid, I do IT as my day job, I have a passable understanding of construction and general repair, as well as electrical and plumbing, I can do most light to medium work on automobiles, short of pulling an engine, or a complete rebuild/overhaul.

I've been renovating my own place, painting and doing flooring, which, up to 6 months ago, I had no idea how to do. It's going okay, but slow.

I'm not trying to boast at all, I'm still far and away an idiot in most things (non-IT) compared to anyone working in those fields. My point is that I have spent almost all my time, effort, and money, on being an extremely helpful person. Someone you can call regardless of the problem and I can usually fix it, or patch something together to get by until a professional can make a visit.

This effort has left me with no personal safety net financially. I'm at a loss if my financial situation takes a downturn. I won't have another choice but to ask for help. I'm never too proud to ask for help, but I almost never need it, and I don't like being in a position where I might, which is actually where I sit financially right now. I'm trying to work with the people I live with to help build a buffer of funds to lean on if something goes critically wrong. I'm at a turning point in my life where my skills are being more fully utilized than ever before. I've invested almost everything I have, financially, and removed any buffer that could have been a safety net for me. I'll build it back up, but I'm very very vulnerable right now, and it's not a good feeling. I'm worried all the time, and while you're absolutely right, I have friends who will step up if I ask them to (some already did without me asking), my mindset is to be the provider of security, not the recipient; and right now, that's not the case. It's uncomfortable.

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znk t1_j17s4l4 wrote

Very narrow view of what the message is. It applies to everything not just business/professional. Like asking that girl out, taking on a new hobby, etc...

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conspiracydawg t1_j16lf6t wrote

How are you doing nowaydays?

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bitofrock t1_j17nebw wrote

Pretty good! I worked on basic stability for the first ten years of my career, preferring a stable job in a corporate. That gave me, eventually, a skillset that was hot in the late nineties job market.

I also by then had a girlfriend and we had a house that was pleasant but not a big stretch. I then worked ten years contracting but although I enjoyed some pf the extra money I banked plenty and resisted big liabilities I saw some colleagues take on. I banked plenty.

Which meant I could take the next risk. Starting a business. Bootstrapped as other people's capital (like VCs) wouldn't have been available to me at that stage. The business made an effective loss for me for years but nowadays, another decade and a half, it's running well.

I'm by no means rich. Setting up a business, unless you snaffle an amazing sector, rarely makes you a millionaire. You can't spend loads either. You just have to work it hard and nurture something bigger. Eventually though it starts to mature.

So you can see how I've grabbed opportunities and climbed gently, avoiding the steep and risky route until I was ready to step it up a little.

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bitofrock t1_j17ogly wrote

Oh, and thanks for asking. How are you getting on?

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xdqz t1_j1csksb wrote

But also, people are really bad at judging risks--especially those who are risk-averse. It's why people buy insurance (like AppleCare) when it usually doesn't make sense mathematically.

Sometimes you think a certain failure would be really bad or really likely, when in fact it's not. At least for me, this has held me back before.

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bitofrock t1_j1eal2h wrote

Absolutely. It's a definite problem for people.

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InsaneChihuahua t1_j17kbvd wrote

Still have that fear and I have a masters degree.

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bitofrock t1_j17nr7c wrote

Check out personal finance subs about the path to financial independence. Once you achieve that the risks become easier to take. I spent twenty years working towards it.

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InsaneChihuahua t1_j18ewup wrote

My problem is not knowing jackshit about investing

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bitofrock t1_j18m2ba wrote

It's worth hanging around the personal finance groups for your country. I know the UK one has really solid advice, but the UK is quite tightly regulated on these things.

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LolaMent0 t1_j19wz05 wrote

Most jobs 401k have standard offerings, or use a IRA venue with your bank. Any safe investment is better than none, so get on it today!

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nigelfitz t1_j18z9ch wrote

Thats true but I feel like context matters here and looking at it from that position, it makes sense.

I mean, if youre fearing to be homeless, I seriously hope youre not signing up for a yoga class.

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EsIstNichtAlt t1_j1909z0 wrote

I think the idea is that failure in this context is a possible outcome of risk-taking decisions. If you’re working toward something you need or to avoid something which is already a predetermined threat, that’s a different context.

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PeterTinkle t1_j17he5q wrote

That is a victim mentality point of view.

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bitofrock t1_j17nodb wrote

Yeah, I was a victim of bad circumstances and needed to make sure they didn't get worse.

Winner mentality, risk it all on red style, can bring massive success but you just don't hear from the failures.

I'm old enough to know people who claimed to be making a fortune on crypto or forex or back in the late nineties with tech shares. Yet so often their lifestyle doesn't change and they one day go quiet. If pressed, some tell you they lost a pile. Then, as a result of the burn, they don't try again. That's loser mentality.

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