Submitted by RibaldPancake t3_10pynwm in Jokes
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The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The bear says "I'd like a rum and coke."
The bartender gives the bear a strange look and says, "Wait, I remember you from a previous joke. What happened to the big pause?"
The bear said, "I lost one in a trap."
OK, but he ordered a rum and coke, not a beer...
That was almost unbearable.
Guy on the barstool next to the bear says, ‟HOLY SHIT A TALKIN BEAR!”
Tequila will do that to you...
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey!, why the long face?"
The horse clearly doesn't speak any English and proceeds to take a huge dump on the floor and leave, because... Horse
Since a horse can't read or speak, it's lucky it walked into a bar and not a glue factory.
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Now that’s funny!
I'm currently in Cabo ... can confirm ...
I like this version: Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey!, why the long face?"
The horse responds, "My wife just died."
On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
Edit: Not originally my joke, not sure where I got it. Probably here on Reddit.
A bear walks into a bar
Ill have a rum and coke please,
What happened to the big pause?
Fuck off mate *walks over to jukebox and drops a coin in
*machine pops, click and whirrs.....
Cutting through the silence, the opening notes from Suspicious Minds by Elvis ring out through the bar
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Youuuu sonuvabitch!
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer!"
The bartender replies, "This bar doesn't serve beer to bears."
The bear says, "C'mon, just this one time."
The bartender again replies, "This bar doesn't serve beer to bears."
The bear then walks over to a woman sitting at the bar, kills her, and eats half her body. He then says to the bartender once more, "Give me a fucking beer!"
The bartender calmly answers, "This bar doesn't serve beer to bears who do drugs."
"What??" says the bear.
The bartender replies, "That was a bar bitch you ate."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "hey, don't you think you might be an alcoholic, with all the bars you frequent?"
The horse says "I think not!" And disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Now, if you know anything about philosophy, you'll be laughing, because of the saying 'Cogito ergo sum.'
I could have explained that before the joke, but it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
What about 'I drink therefore I am' ?
The horse is sticking to the script.
I started out so stable and by the end of the joke dissolved in a paroxysm of incredulity at the beauty of the joke. It reminds me of a Norm McDonald. Classic, congratulations.
You are boldly assuming that it's always the same horse. I think neigh.
You forgot to mention that the crashed plane caught fire. The rescue team only recovered the chicken's drumsticks. They were perfectly grilled though.
I don't get it...
Oh, that reminds me of a teacher I had! After weeks of no show, one of our colleagues shows to class with arm broken and stiches in the face, the teacher asked jokingly as he always was, “Oh! You finally came back! What happened, dear? Fight with boyfriend?”, and she answered:
-No, we were going to the country, but he lost control of the car, we had an accident and he died.
It was absurdly weird after that. The teacher joker smile was transformed in a choke, you could see the invisible ninjas choking him and the imagination blades he was stabbing on himself. Hell, we could even read his mind, because we all were thinking the same thing “why did I open my mouth?”.
But today is a funny story.
You lucky, lucky bastard. Have a tropical drink, with toes in the sand for me, plz.
[deleted] t1_j6mt2ys wrote
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