A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

Submitted by Gaphumbala t3_11dcmj3 in Jokes

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one? Or I can give dad a message". said the boy.
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".

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dwe2198 t1_ja7tjme wrote

A lonely female gorilla at the zoo is infatuated with the groundskeeper, George. One day the veterinarian, concerned with the gorilla's mental health, pulled George into his office.

Vet: ‟George, will you've sex with that gorilla for $500?”

George: ‟Well, okay. But you will have to give me a couple days to come up with the $500.”

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NahLoso t1_jab40v8 wrote

I don't think I've ever seen "you've" used like that. 😳

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Puzzleheaded_Arm6363 t1_jab5qxs wrote

Me neither...but im not a native english speaker. Curious if that's right?

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redriverrunning t1_jab6uzn wrote

It’s not correct even though it is understandable. “You’ve gone to the store” is a correct usage because “you have gone” is in the present perfect tense and is an appropriate use of the contraction “you’ve.” It isn’t normally used as a contraction for other tenses, such as “will you have” or “did you have” and so on.

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benji_014 t1_jabhjss wrote

You’ve no idea. It does seem to work in the present tense in some cases. Maybe what’s off about this is that the emphasis rests on the verb that get contracted out, whereas the emphasis in my little example rests on the subject.

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iordseyton t1_jacnqxo wrote

'You've no idea' isn't grammatically correct either, it's just less obvious.

You could say 'you have no idea,' or 'you have got no idea' interchangeably.

'You've got no idea' would be a correct contraction.

The reason 'You've no idea' feels correct and 'will you've sex' from the original doesn't is because our brains are trained to sort of skip over, or add in if need be, the existential verbs, like 'is' and 'got.'

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NahLoso t1_jab6b4c wrote

AFAIK, you only use "'ve" when the verb "have" is being used as a helping verb. But that may not be a rule. What you did may be grammatically correct but just uncommon.

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MarvinTheAndroid42 t1_jabejc9 wrote

As people have said, it does not work.

A fun contraction which does work just fine is “I’d’ve”(I would have), which I love. It doesn’t help us here, but it’s something real you can take away.

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rubyredboot t1_jac6tey wrote

All these jabronis are wrong. I know there are grammatical rules you must follow in professional and academic settings, but the only rule in English is that it must be understandable. All other rules are rubbish.

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archit1405 t1_jab7qq3 wrote

Even the OP isn't a native. And he's American

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jokern8 t1_jac4mu3 wrote

Do not you dare correct my contractions!

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ChilliPeppah1 t1_jaai5j0 wrote

My friend says $300 and all the bananas he can eat

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Tidesticky t1_jabhrca wrote

Check the banana stand for latest banana to $ xchange rate

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