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keepthetips t1_jcq91tw wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

−1

Agitated_Ask_2575 t1_jcqc49s wrote

I heard better advice: if it still bothers 24 hours later, say something within 48hrs

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Fthebo t1_jcqcge8 wrote

So many people fall in the trap of not speaking up when something somebody does upsets them, then because they didn't say anything the person continues to do it. Why would they stop doing whatever 'thing' is when it clearly doesn't bother you?

It always ends with an enormous 'Straw that broke the camels back' blow up where the other person is absolutely blindsided by the intensity of your response because they never knew it bothered you - how could they?

If something upsets you - speak up there and then, or shortly afterwards in private. If it doesn't bother you enough to speak up then you need to let it go because it's not fair on the other person to keep letting them upset you when they don't even know they're upsetting you until you blow up on them.

I think people sometimes don't think about how much it can suck to be on the other side of this too - interacting with a friend and doing something you thought was completely harmless only to find out after months that all this time you've been really hurting them the whole time and didn't know.

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8urfiat t1_jcqdcus wrote

Don’t go in hot. Cool off first. You will react much better when you’re not as upset.

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Sab_accha_ho_jayga t1_jcqe1yv wrote

Sometimes I don't realise I should be angry at something. It's after the moment has passed that I start to feel upset about it.

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ThePubRelic t1_jcqfm62 wrote

This has always ended with me screamed at or beat, I'll continue being pushed over for now because it hurts less. I tried to fix it, I really did, but I'm so tired now I can't push anymore.

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grayhousing01 t1_jcqgviq wrote

I totally agree with this life pro tip! Life is too short to hold grudges, so it's always best to let people know how you feel in the moment. Plus, it helps avoid any unnecessary drama and clears the air for everyone involved.

2

michelkm32 t1_jcqhw7d wrote

I totally agree, why hold back your feelings? If someone wronged you, it's important to let them know so they can learn and grow from their mistake. Bottling up your emotions will only lead to resentment and conflict in the long run.

3

AyoAzo t1_jcqlh4n wrote

Replying to GldnRetriever (#2,265,200)

I'm the same way but even though I don't know why I'm upset I'll still say something akin to "wow, I didn't like that" makes it easier to bring it up again when I realize exactly why it triggered that response.

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8923ns671 t1_jcqn00k wrote

I just don't talk to them again but maybe that's not a good strategy.

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Elegant_Spot_3486 t1_jcqs3fb wrote

Or maybe don’t be so sensitive? No one saying anything offensive or mean to me has ever changed my life. It isn’t that I don’t care about myself, just that their opinion is meaningless and doesn’t impact me.

But sure, if you feel you’re being negatively affected by it in any way then absolutely say something.

−5

Kaytay0510 t1_jcqsqz5 wrote

I do not agree that someone’s feelings should be the #1 priority. Simply put, feelings are not facts. As others have said, give yourself time to cool down and process and then say something if needed based on more than just “feelings”. My 2 cents.

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BuzzyShizzle t1_jcqxjfv wrote

It would be best to learn how to respond, not to just respond.

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MadameMonk t1_jcqz12d wrote

I’d add that most of this is true with being vocal and assertive about nice things that happen with other people in the moment too.

Not sure I agree that lash out OR be a people-pleasing wimp are the only options. Assertiveness includes other concepts like diplomacy, observation skills, empathy, and doing the work on yourself so that when you open your mouth, your actual truth comes out rather than just some words you let yourself be emotionally triggered to say.

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bisforbenis t1_jcr05dz wrote

Replying to 8urfiat (#2,264,886)

People can be bothered by a thing without “going in hot”. Having your feelings get hurt but being emotionally mature means you can call it out without rage or impulsivity being in play

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skantea t1_jcr1zw8 wrote

Agreed. If it's verbal, don't even wait 5 seconds to react. HOWEVER, try not to escalate OR minimize. Just give them the same tone, energy, attitude they gave you. That way they know it's just a correction not a fight.

​

IMHO the best time and place to be intentional about establishing healthy relationship dynamics is the first week of a new job. A lesson I wish I'd learned 20 years earlier.

5

GypsyBagelhands t1_jcr2pw8 wrote

Replying to bisforbenis (#2,265,841)

In many cases hormones can get in the way of calling things out without rage. Being emotionally mature means having the presence of mind to know you need to take a minute to cool down and figure out how to articulate your feelings in a calm and collected manner.

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QV79Y t1_jcr2sqo wrote

Maybe. Sometimes. It depends.

I don't think it's good advice to just let loose every negative feeling you have, unless your goal is to end up with no friends.

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OrginalPeach t1_jcr3zum wrote

Doesn’t work, I do this with my mum all the time but she just copies my argument.

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ChakraKami t1_jcr43d9 wrote

I did and i got blocked without even getting a response so that hurt. For real though i feel like i dodged a bullet and shook off a toxic friendship.

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bigedthebad t1_jcr4hjm wrote

Your feelings are not your #1 priority and if they are, you’re going to walk around with hurt feelings a lot.

Yes, there are times when you need to speak up but if you freak out every time someone looks at you the wrong way, it won’t be long before no one wants to be around the desk out drama Queen.

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selfmade117 t1_jcr60mz wrote

Sometimes I don’t really know how I feel right away.

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AITAforbeinghere t1_jcr7s0o wrote

And if I offend someone I apologize immediately, crow is easiest to swallow while it's still warm

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Tobi_chills455 t1_jcr8xj8 wrote

Listen to op dudes. The balance is letting them know how you feel without making them get defensive. Don't accuse or point fingers, just be sincere.

2

satans_toast t1_jcr9ugl wrote

There's a difference between being assertive and being reactionary. Find a strong yet unemotional way to respond to disrespect that avoids being angry.

3

Marjory_Tea t1_jcr9wcl wrote

Replying to 8923ns671 (#2,265,287)

I was gonna say this. I get so anxious when someone says something to me that I like physically can't get words out, I shake and almost cry and write it off. Then the next day I figure just let it go and it isn't worth my energy. Also I dont have a ton of friends so.... lol

8

Preposterous_punk t1_jcr9zys wrote

This might work for some people, but it’s a bad idea for me. I often feel hurt in the moment, but realize later that it was no big deal. And if I’m really angry, I’m also bad at finding the right words to express why until I cook off.

Doesn’t mean it’s not good advice for some people — but I think it’s often a case-by-case thing.

3

justnocrazymaker t1_jcrawej wrote

For me, setting a boundary is the key. Being brave enough to say, “no that doesn’t work for me” in the moment. I can say that right away, before the ask becomes upsetting, before I can get angry with myself for being a “pushover”. It’s hard, it takes practice, but I’ve found the sooner I put up a boundary and the less I JADE when pressed, the less I feel I’ve been wronged or hurt or taken advantage of in the first place.

It still takes practice though.

5

skiny_boy_james t1_jcrb10v wrote

Replying to OrginalPeach (#2,266,020)

A lot of time it's does depend of the person and their willingness to actually change the behavior that's upsetting you. From my experience a lot of people will try to help fix the problem some just don't want to change.

4

yellowcoffee01 t1_jcrcnzn wrote

While it’s ok to wait a day or two if you’re feeling rage, or if your livelihood or freedom is at risk, in most instances (and sometimes even those) SPEAK UP IN THE MOMENT. You can wait til later to go into detail or to have a heart to heart, but “don’t raise your voice to me” “That’s not what I said” “I’m not going to do that” etc are examples of what you can say in the moment. If you don’t, it’s possible that whoever you’re saying it to will deny the situation (whether purposefully or not; they might genuinely not remember it’s a big deal to you, not them) or if other people are present your silence will signal to them that it’s ok to disrespect you.

I used to be the give a pass, don’t want to embarrass them or spill their secrets person. I regret it. It hardly ever was to my advantage. I looked out for them even when they weren’t looking out for me and they fucked me every time. Save yourself. Fuck them people.

2

pisspot718 t1_jcrd5n7 wrote

Replying to justnocrazymaker (#2,266,331)

Definitely having boundaries, even if they are internal (what you'll tolerate from people) and not outwardly expressed, is important. If a person has hurt or insulted you it is for them to right the wrong, after you express that you didn't like what they did.

2

puzzledwuzzled t1_jcrej9g wrote

Funny I just got recommended this, as I was speaking about this in my workplace earlier, how I felt EXACTLY the same way. Constantly walked over, allowing people to wrong me or say shit, get in my personal life or business, heck getting info out of me at work, when it's none of their business. But unfortunately for some, like me, you live and you learn. And I mentioned how I'm gonna let people know on the spot from now on too. Great reminder. 👍🏻

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Disconn3cted t1_jcrevl3 wrote

Your feelings should not be number 1 priority. Rather your own mental health should be. It's important to consider if your feelings are based on facts or your own assumptions.

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YoWassupFresh t1_jcri1x3 wrote

So you're saying I shouldn't immediately internalize it and hold it against them for the rest of their life and quietly work to ruin them and their goals?

Damn, I've been doing it all wrong.

2

afreiden t1_jcrio3v wrote

Replying to 8urfiat (#2,264,886)

Exactly. The OP's description is too vague to comment on their particular situation but being a slave to your feelings and impulsively telling others to go f**k themselves is generally bad advice.

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PandamoniumNO2 t1_jcrkra5 wrote

I too am part of the old too soon, smart too late club

1

Asiaticson_ t1_jcrlp03 wrote

I always get very nervous when standing in a line. I’ve been cut before multiple times and didn’t say anything. I think a lot of people have. One day I overcame this and asked a woman who walked to the front of the line and got served first, “excuse me but can you please just let me know why you cut the line” and she told me she didn’t even realize and she apologized, the server apologized and I was served after that.

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Glittering-Gas6960 t1_jcrls3a wrote

Once something is spoken it can’t never be taken back. You can always discuss the next day and tell them what needs to be said.

1

Asiaticson_ t1_jcrlzgg wrote

Replying to Asiaticson_ (#2,266,831)

I agree with OP. You’re a person to. Question the one who is walking on top of you no matter how awkward the corner might be. In my case it was a very civil and fair environment, I was not wronged in the end.

1

e11spark t1_jcrmcoy wrote

Replying to QV79Y (#2,265,971)

The phrase, "Choose your battles" comes to mind. With some people, I play the long game, which can be infinitely more satisfying and poignant than an immediate response. In some cases, you might find it's not worth the effort in the first place.

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somethingsuccinct t1_jcrnnx2 wrote

Not every feeling needs a conversation. Sometimes letting it go can be self care.

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Neat_Art9336 t1_jcroues wrote

Replying to bisforbenis (#2,265,841)

Exactly. You can also do both. “We’ll talk about this later, but know I am upset by this.”

A lot of times it doesn’t make sense to bring it up later. “Hey, this thing you did yesterday upsets me.” And the other person will be like, “I don’t remember?” They’re going to think of you as emotionally immature or unpredictable.

2