Submitted by MO_drps_knwldg t3_z8vz0g in LifeProTips

LThis is in the context of first getting to know someone or for newer relationships.

Neediness is perhaps the most universally unattractive quality for both men and women. Sometimes, we can confuse being vulnerable and honest with our emotions, when in fact we’re displaying neediness and desperation.

Attraction in the real world doesn’t work like it does in romantic comedies, where undying devotion and over the top progressions of love are what it takes to win someone’s heart. In fact the opposite is true, especially if we don’t know the other person very well.

When we meet someone that we like, the biggest mistake is to fantasize and project romantic fantasies onto that person. It allows us to have a skewed, unrealistic view of reality. We may feel they is a deep connection, when on the other side they don’t feel anything.

When someone goes cold—they aren’t responsive, their answers are shorter, they are unreliable with keeping plans, etc—they do not have enough interest to keep you at the forefront of their mind.

When we like someone and feel them slipping away, the first instinct is to try everything in our power to hold onto the relationship. But this is the incorrect course of action, and often makes things worse.

Part of this often involves a “confession” of emotions, or trying to logically convince someone of a connection between the two of you that they don’t feel.

While on the surface this seems reasonable last-ditch effort to establish an emotional connection, it has disastrous results, and pushes them away further. This is because these type of vomiting of emotions isn’t vulnerable or bold, it’s needy. It is essentially asking for their sympathy and trying to guilt them into giving you a chance, because you have these unrealistic, deep emotions for them. This makes people feel cornered and uncomfortable, especially if it’s a new relationship.

Almost always, they will do the polite thing and say they don’t feel the same way, but would like to be friends. When in reality, they want to phase out the interaction altogether, and hope the other person will get the hint.

If you feel like something is going well with someone, but they suddenly go cold, they either are having second thoughts about you, or their attraction has waned. This isn’t the time to spill your guts. Hang back.

If they cancel plans, respond in polite, concise manner, like it doesn’t bother you. As it shouldn’t. The ball is in their court now. Let it be.

You don’t want to waste your time trying to get others to like you. Respect your own time and value as a person. People who truly are interested and want to spend time with you will make the time, no matter if they’re busy.

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Comments

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nautilator44 t1_iyezey7 wrote

This is true for friendships too, not just romantic relationships (speaking from recent personal experience).

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thomasvista t1_iydsfs5 wrote

This is very valuable and applicable for healthy mental health.

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Chris_ssj2 t1_iydv4e0 wrote

Learned this the hard way, this is a really good LPT

Thank you for taking the time to share OP :)

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Deranox t1_iyea33z wrote

While a good tip, it's not always the case. There's different people that react differently in this case.

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egobamyasi t1_iyf1ppq wrote

THIS. There are absolutely people out there who appreciate honesty and don't despise vulnerabilities.

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Deranox t1_iyfanct wrote

Exactly. Relationship tips in LPT are never truly good as they never consider every possibility as that's impossible.

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acfox13 t1_iyeihv2 wrote

People often mistake limerence (which is objectification) for love. They objectify the person they "love" and justify their behaviors bc of the feelings they're experiencing (every stalker ever). Often bc they lack psychological differentiation and emotional regulation skills.

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Waramp t1_iyes6xy wrote

Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man.

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Deranox t1_iyeao3j wrote

A good tip, but not always a thing. Telling your partner how you feel is something MANY people WANT to hear to know that their love and opinion matters (or not, everyone appreciates the truth).

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SafeStranger3 t1_iyec3bk wrote

Have been on the receiving end of this once. A girl I knew for a long time decided to tell me that she really wished to be in a relationship with me even though I was already in one and happy. I didn't feel the same and she kept going with the long texts. I really didn't have any chance to think over things and decided it was better to just take a pause from this person.

It ruined any decent chance of us staying as the good friends we were (known each other for 10+ years). Still talk with her occasionally but it's just not the same anymore and I don't feel comfortable being personal with her now and probably never will.

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uselessthecat t1_iye2gms wrote

Oh wow, I'm realizing why I may have started avoiding certain people in my past, keeping them at an emotional arms length...

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Actually-Yo-Momma t1_iye1mrf wrote

No one can love you until you love and respect yourself

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keepthetips t1_iydjbcx wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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whyunoletmepost t1_iyf17gx wrote

Very well said, thank you for putting this out there to help people

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Dan__Torrance t1_iye2vc7 wrote

Good LPT. It's sometimes hard to recognise such situations and even harder to go through with it nonetheless.

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JosephRocket t1_iye4mqr wrote

wish i knew this like a year ago :(

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sambull t1_iyey22z wrote

there's a reason men don't cry or show emotions in relationships..

it can change forever how your partner views you, a lot of women see this a weakness.

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