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zxDanKwan t1_iu22siw wrote

Reply to comment by [deleted] in Whoever said its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved, clearly never dated a narcissist by [deleted]

I think it works because if you love a narcissist and lose them, it’s typically better for you, hopefully you learn something, and you choose better partners next time.

I think the idea holds true for the same reason that it’s true that you get better through failing at things and learning how to do them right.

If you never loved before, you won’t know what to seek or avoid.

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Fender6187 t1_iu2lniy wrote

My mom is a narcissist, but my dad will never leave her. She’s a drunk as an added bonus. Growing up around that sucked. My sister and I were constantly gaslit into believing that we were to blame for her rage and pain. I still have problems knowing when I should be upset in my own marriage. To her credit she never hit us, but the mind games were probably just as bad.

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9Lives_ t1_iu3i9kz wrote

Do you think she drinks as a way to escape the shame of her narcissistic ways that like 99% of them just sweep under the rug?

Im convinced there are so many I diagnosed narcissists that don’t even know they have it. It seems as common as introverts/extroverts. Like at what point is something a disorder and at what point is it just a fundamental nature of human being?

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justsaysso t1_iu3tuh9 wrote

Narcissism is a spectrum from healthy self love to destructive. It's ridiculously over-diagnosed by people that have no clue.

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Fender6187 t1_iu4a9fi wrote

She doesn’t drink because she a narcissist, but she definitely thinks her own emotions and feelings on any matter are more important than everyone else’s.

Most recently, my sister broke up with her BF of five years and my mom liked the dude a lot. She felt hurt when my sister ended things and took it out on her. This was months ago and she still says awful things to her about it. Not once did she ever think to console her or understand why the relationship ended. She made it about her. This is what she does.

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UDPviper t1_iudji8v wrote

My mom once asked me if I ever thought about how much it hurt her to watch me go through a divorce. I was so shocked that I couldn't even form a reply.

If you had a loved one that was dying from cancer, would you rail on them because they never recognized how hard it was to watch them going through it, as if that was more horrible than actually being the one dying from cancer?

This is my mom.

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flyingcamel19 t1_iu3xnyv wrote

So true. It's insane the amount of time it's thrown around as a buzzword.

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hopelesscaribou t1_iu3nyx2 wrote

There's a difference between have some narcissistic traits, and being a full blown narcissist, who justify their behavior, rather than being shamed by it.

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Fender6187 t1_iu49ldu wrote

I think she drinks because even at 60 years of age, she still doesn’t know who she really is. She projects a person she wishes she was to other people, but that person isn’t her, and as a result she is never comfortable in her own skin. So she numbs that negative affect with drinking.

It’s easy to expose by just trying to have a real conversation with her. Ask her how something makes her feel. What she likes to do, etc. you will see the simulation for what it is.

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Nihilikara t1_iu3lmuz wrote

>Like at what point is something a disorder and at what point is it just a fundamental nature of human being?

Are the two mutually exclusive?

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TimeSuck5000 t1_iu4t9hj wrote

Narcissists typical don’t feel shame. That’s the thing. So my totally uninformed guess is: No, probably not.

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JumpWithScissors t1_iu3fznw wrote

Idk, maybe I'm blessed or just gaslit, but it looks like everyone on reddit has a narcissist parent. Probably why we are here in the first place

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UDPviper t1_iudismx wrote

I'm sure it's different for women, but words hurt more than fists, IMO.

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niyamaa27 t1_iu376nh wrote

I agree with this. Coming up on one year of leaving my ex narcissist who love bombed me and revealed his true evil colors that ended in physical abuse and a restraining order. Some days I wish it never happened, but now I know how to spot a narcissist and run far away before they can manipulate and hurt me.

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9Lives_ t1_iu3iavl wrote

How do you spot it?

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niyamaa27 t1_iu513b4 wrote

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Narcissists have a love bombing phase where they reel their victims in, making them feel like they’re loved and cherished. Other things to take note of once they have you in the trap and the mask is off are superiority, making everything a competition, extreme jealousy, gaslighting, belittling, name-calling, weaponizing your past mistakes, never apologizing…the list goes on. Not all of this means they are narcissistic but it absolutely can be a sign.

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9Lives_ t1_iu3hy1a wrote

>I think the idea holds true for the same reason that it’s true that you get better through failing at things and learning how to do them right.

Yes and no. I mean it’s impossible to go through life without pain and heartbreak and intentionally avoiding it is probably going to be worse cause you’ll miss out on so many wonderful opportunities but what about the trauma that develops through caring about someone that see’s gestures of love as weakness they can exploit?

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hopelesscaribou t1_iu3npyx wrote

It is better to have loved and lost a narcissist than to have never lost them at all.

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