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1

Remarkable-Youth-504 t1_jdgockd wrote

The galactic council was in a turmoil.

The galaxy, for the most part, was a peaceful place. No wars, no violence (except for the humans, of course), general pacifism and brotherhood.

All of which has come to a standstill today.

The nbuurhh, an expansive and racist species, has taken a seed world hostage. They were demanding to be left alone, else they would kill all life on the seed world.

The nbuurhh couldn’t be left precisely become they pulled off shit like this all the time. And the galactic council wasn’t sure that they wouldn’t genocide every living thing on the seed world anyways even if they council gave in and agreed to all their demands.

Military intervention was not an option. The nbuurhh would see it coming and detonate their RIP bombs that would turn the seed world into an asteroid field.

For the nth time that day, Yhij, the president of the the council, rued the day he had taken up his position.

“Is there no other way?”

“No Sir”, his aide responded.

Yhij let out a bubble, his equivalent of deep disappointment: “Fine. Send in Joe the American to negotiate.”

The Nbuurhh were expecting a negotiator, however, they had clearly not expected a human. A hushed silence reigned as the burly, bearded human descended from his craft.

“Howdy” he growled, handing off his Stetson to high-prince Jjughub, second in line to the throne, who had come to receive the diplomat. He then took out a cigar, cut it with a cutter, lit it up and took a deep drag before letting out a massive volume of smoke.

“Aah” said Joe, satisfied. A claxon went of nearby as all nbuurhh men , women and children scampered to put on their gas masks.

Joe waited, unfazed, occasionally dragging on his cigar. Once they were done putting their gas masks on he followed high-prince Jjughub into the negotiation chamber where the High-emperor welcomed him.

Inside the sophisticated negotiation chamber, tiny but precise instruments were measuring every single thing that the human did and reporting it to the Royal family. When Joe, after putting out his cigar, withdrew a hip flask from his jacket and took a large swig, First consort Ttryuul fainted. The instruments had just told her that the human was drinking ethanol, a known toxic chemical about 4 times more stronger than the industrial spirits used on the nbuurhh homeworld.

Joe continued to remain unfazed.

More if this gets a good response.

273

Remarkable-Youth-504 t1_jdhc88o wrote

Replying to Remarkable-Youth-504 (#2,331,656)

Part 2:

The meeting continued. Shortly into the meeting, Joe put his legs on the table. A few more nbuurhh fainted when the system identified that his shoes were made from the hide of a 18 foot long apex predator.

Joe remained nonchalant, reclining in his chair and occasionally taking sips of the ethanol in his flask.

The nbuurhh repeated their demands. Although this time, quite meekly.

When it was his turn to speak, the human sat up. His eyes were now quite red. For a moment, he collected his thoughts, then directly addressed the High-emperor: “Mister, sorry I forgot your name…”

The prime-minister was up in arms: “High-emperor Chzuu’rbb, and you will address his majesty by the right honorifics!!”

“The Chung-what now? Sorry too complicated, I’m just gonna call you Xander, Xan for short”

While the Nbuurhh were completely shocked into silence, the human continued:

“Look here, Xan my man, I honestly do not give a shit about what you do to the seed world. I do not care at all about what you do, and I give less than a shit about the Nbuurhh.”

“However, I am here to do a job, so I will do my job.”

“Here is what I offer: Nothing”

The nbuurhh in the room shuffled nervously. They couldn’t believe their ears, but they also didn’t know how to respond to the human.

“We offer you nothing.” reiterated the human, “you will withdraw from the seed world, submit to the galactic authority, and pay reparations for this affront.”

“Or, you can do none of that, do as you wish, and the human fleet will grind the entire star system of Nbuurhh to the dust.”

Here Joe paused for dramatic effect, took out a piece of chewing tobacco from his pouch, and bit into it. A few more of the Nbuurhh fainted.

Chewing on the tobacco, his voice now coming out in a deeper drawl, the human continued: “Do you know how many weapons we have in storage that are nearing expiry? Our war games and weapons testing don’t even put a dent in the stockpiles, and the galaxy’s avowed principle of pacifism means that the only time we get to use those beauties is when we have fuckers like you.”

Dropping his voice to a whisper, he continued: “Raytheon and Lockheed will probably pay me a trillion credits each if this negotiation falls through.”

Joe then brought his face very close to the high-emperor’s, as if he was letting them in on a secret: “Personally, I do hope we get to fight. I’ve always wondered what you guys taste like.” He then flashed a smile that could only be defined as predatory.

While the entire room reeled from the effect of processing what the human had said, Joe got up, and without a second thought, started walking out.

Just before walking out, Joe turned back, and said: “Xan, my man, do not take too long to make your decision, or the decision will be made for you. My offer of ‘Nothing’ stands only as long as I am in orbit around this planet.” He accentuated this by spitting out the chewed tobacco on the floor of the sacred negotiating chamber.

The nbuurhh delegation, still too shocked to respond, followed the human back to his starship. Just before boarding, the human turned back, sporting his predatory smile again, said: “I reaallly hope y’all don’t take up my offer”, and winked.

Then he was gone.

***************************************************^^

On stardate 107.467.77.08777, the Nbuurhh unconditionally removed their weapons of mass destruction, withdrew from the seed world, and submitted to the galactic authority for integration and judgement.

Their one request? No humans be allowed into their sector.

Far away in another corner of the galaxy, Urkignf was watching news of the Nbuurhh capitulation while brewing coffee.

She finished making the coffee, walked back to her cubicle and offered a cup to her colleague, who was extremely hungover.

Her colleague sipped the coffee and let a satisfied “Aah” out.

“Another one bites the dust. How many does this make it?”

“12 out of 12, I think.”

Urkignf waited until her friend finished his coffee (with many slurps), the continued: “Are you ever gonna let them know that your dad retired and moved back to Texas?”

“No, never” replied the human.

“So you are gonna continue to pretend to be “Joe the American?””

“Hey, I am Joe! Joe jr! And I’d have you know I am a full citizen of the United States of America, with voting rights and such!”

“Gotcha” said Urkignf and went back to her work.

Joe Bradbury, Jr. , continued observing her with interest for a few moments, before speaking up again:

“Hey Urkignf, how would you feel about going out to the new sgbyuf place this weekend for food and drinks, just you and me?”

Flashing his best smile, Joe continued: “In earth , we call this ‘a date’.”

158

BboyLotus t1_jdhhq9t wrote

Admiral Baker, recently promoted from Five Star General of the Earth Alliance Fleet, due the fleets participation in the Oolan K'gree conflict. A relatively small conflict in the Alpha-1-12 system. Where a K'gree warfleet attempted to seize Oolan colonies that built their first moon settlements.

The Galactic council hesitated and deliberated heavily before allowing the Humans to intervene in that conflict. As the K'gree had only plans of capturing the settlements for themselves. And we're not fully hostile towards the Oolan. But the Oolan gave reports of temporary hostages being taken. And even a report that the K'gree threatened to change the beautiful art and architecture the Oolan erected, due to the differences in opinion about beauty between the two species.

The Human EAF fleet was nearby on one of their exercises. And we're called into action. The K'gree were amused when they saw the warning messages flare up on the main screens of their battle cruisers. But they're amusement and mocking grins quickly dropped when Admiral Baker, then general, appeared on screen. They only heard stories of the Humans and their barbaric ways. Aggron, the K'gree high commander, quickly assured the General that he will see a full K'gree retreat from colonies Theta 1, 2 and 3. But asserted firmly, with a slight tremble of fear in his long ears. That the K'gree will take colony Delta 5. The art there is so atrocious that it must be changed The high commander thought.

The battle for the liberation of Delta 5 was a swift and decisive victory for the EAF. After three K'gree battleships were lost to a single squadron of EAF scout ships. The K'gree scattered and retreated immediately to their home planet. And the Oolan could continue to peacefully work on their colonies. With an EAF patrol and defense force, checking on that system periodically from here on out. The K'gree would never dare to return.

The Oolan gracefully and enthusiastically invited Admiral Baker and his party of close lieutenants that participated in the battle. For a celebratory feast honoring the liberation, and the General's promotion. The Oolan, humanoid in appearance, with breathing holes in their foreheads instead of a nose. And slightly purple skin. Could share a atmosphere to humans. And shared a relatively similar diet, although their species was purely vegetarian. They were happy to host this feast on colony Delta 5. Now a booming settlement.

Admiral Baker and four lieutenants beamed down to the dining hall entrance. And were greeted by an Oolan welcoming party.

Princess Ateena extended her had upwards in a peaceful greeting and stepped forward to welcome them personally, after the Language Interpretation and Translation devices of the Humans clicked into action. "Greetings and salutations fellow brethren of the Galactic council, I, Princess Ateena Amoutala the third, welcome you to our humble colony that was saved from the K'gree, thanks to your courageous efforts. I apologize for the atmosphere quality, we've yet to fully terraform this moon. We hope the air is not too difficult to breath"

Baker and his party were breathing the freshest and purest air they'd ever had the pleasure of taking in. Like fresh morning air, from the mountains back on earth.

"Nonsense, nonsense Princess, the air is fresh and splendid" said Baker. And the lieutenants murmured in agreement "We're honored to visit you again, in times peace now. And on behalf of my crew, I am thankful for this feast you have arranged for us." The General and the Princess continued to exchange pleasantries. Meanwhile John and Sergei, two of the lieutenants, stepped outside the dining hall and onto the balcony to have a smoke. As they puffed away discussing the peculiar landscape. An Oolan architect stepped outside aswell. As soon a whiff of smoke entered one of his air holes. He became dizzy and lightheaded. He put his three fingered hands on the rail to stabilize himself as he nearly collapsed. The lieutenants saw this and quickly put out their cigarettes. "What is... That..." Ampon the architect mumbled. "Oh we're very sorry" said John. "We were just having a smoke, we should have known better". "I... I think I am about to collapse..." Ampon's legs were trembling and he could barely stand. "Having... A smoke? You... Willingly inhale those.... Those fumes?" Sergei laughed "haha yeah, some humans like to smoke, it's relaxing although quite addicting unfortunately". "Re... relaxing? I am about to puke" Ampon tensed, and vomited while hunched over the railing. John went to get him some water. After a while Ampon regained his composure, but was still feeling quite weak.

"Apologies, us Oolan are not accustomed to such toxic fumes". "Oh you have nothing to apologize for" Said Sergei. " We should have known better and went somewhere outside." He said, as he pulled a small clear flask of vodka from his jacket, and took a quick swig. "Is that water?" Asked Ampon, thirsty for some relief. "No it's vodka" Sergei smiled. "John went to get some water for you" I see, said Ampon, staring at the liquid curiously. " It looks just like water." "Here" Sergei moved the flask close to Ampon's forehead so he could smell it. Hesitant, he breathed in gently. And quickly recoiled backwards. "Oh goodness, it smells like ethanol! We use it to power our waterborne crafts. How can you drink that poison and live?!" Sergei laughed and took another swig. "It's quite common and popular on Earth, it burns a little at first but you get used to it. It liberates the spirits... And makes one feel... How should I say it, happy and relaxed." Sergei smiled. Unbelievable Ampon thought. "You humans astound and terrify me." Consuming these substances would surely incapacitate, and probably bring about the swift end of any Oolan I know" Ampon was saying, as John had just arrived with a glass of water. "There you go sir, we apologize for the inconveniences". "Oh thank you" Said ampon before quickly drinking the water and feeling much better.

51

SilentObsrvr t1_jdhyqrd wrote

Few know where he... No, them... Came from. A single man, in a kahki shirt and shorts, a belly, rugged leather boots. Spoke in a funny, yet very distinct accent, calling itself "Oem Yan". He simply arrived from all the corners, a human from a tiny spec known as SOL-3.

No he wasn't the first of his species, this "Oem Yan", there were many humans before him although all individuals. No, this... This man according to rumours were hit by a stray tourist vessil travelling through, well... Not quite reality, hit him somehow, and he's just been appearing everywhere.

What's more terrifying is his aptitude for consuming large quantities of terran fuel, his carelessness about sun radiation, the sheer volume of acids and poisons that would kill colonies he'd pour over his "Braai", they called it.

The man walked onto any battlefield, raise his kinetic rifle and simply take down any before him... Them. So many of him. All at once.

"Hey Boetman, yor beer is getting waarm, and I didn't put any pepper on de Braai tonaait, know yous can't have dat."

I smiled, nodded. Our escape pod crashed onto the nearest planet, waiting for rescue, and this... Afrikaner, this human with his exposed face, legs and arms managed to build us a fire near the pod and has spent the last two hours skinning wildlife and drinking his "beer" next to the fire. I won't lie the smell is growing on me. As much as an anomaly and prone to danger these humans are, I'd rather be stuck with one than without. I wonder how his copies are doing, fighting our wars in the stars? I look up and see a shooting star turning towards us. I almost hope to see more Oem Yans on this rescue vessil. I'd like to hear more about the "plaas" (which I presume to mean farm) they're from.

20

Pope-Francisco t1_jdklefo wrote

“Dude, did you hear about that human on Klu?” “Oh god, what did they do on that moon this time?” “Get this, some human named Rudof Ofic tried to fight against a lava worm!” “Who the fuck tries to fight a lava worm?! Those things were one of the Klu mages greatest weapons!” “I know! And the craziest part was how they actually beat the fucking thing! This one guy fought it solo with just a space suit & some small laser cannon!” “God, I don’t understand those humans. They’ve gone crazy ever since they genetically modified themselves with some Carvan cells & used Hrus.” “I don’t know man, I would feel like a god if I got some super aliens cells & got powers from a highly dangerous magic ritual.” “Oh shut it, those are the words of a stupid person. They practically poison themselves every day & go into life or death situations because it “feels like a video in real life.” “Your just a pussy.” “Maybe, but it’s kept me alive for 368 lunars.” The first aliens device buzzes & he looks at it with shock. “Did another human do something crazy again?” “There’s a human trend for who can eat the most neurotoxin.” “Oh my god.”

7