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AstroRide t1_jbm9jva wrote

##Experimental Medicine

Mary sat on the park bench as the sun set behind her, eating a bag of seasoned oyster crackers. A figure wearing a long trench coat and a fedora sat next to her. The figure looked away.

"Did you come alone?" They had a deep raspy voice. Mary nodded her head. "Good. Did you see the story on Dr. Tyler in the City Times?"

"I wrote it."

"You need to issue a correction. Dr. Tyler doesn't just run a clinic for low-income people. He's a sick twisted man who runs experiments on the most desperate."

"How come I've never heard of it?" Mary asked.

"Because we're too ashamed to show ourselves." The figure lifted their head. The face was a woman's with multiple patches of skin sewn to it. Her left eyelid was held shut by a metal rod. Her neck was covered in slash marks. "My whole body is like this."

"Oh my god."


One week later, Mary hid in the bushes by Dr. Tyler's office. He locked the office door behind him as he left none the wiser. She persuaded the building supervisor to give her a master key in exchange for favorable reviews of his other properties. After waiting several minutes, she entered his clinic.

She tried to find a room that she hadn't seen on her previous visit where he tortured people. The first door she checked was a janitor's closet. When she opened it, she discovered a mop and cleaning supplies. The backwall was cracked and pushing it revealed a staircase.

At the bottom of the staircase was a laboratory with a table in the middle of the room. She turned on the light and screamed at the sight of his handiwork. A human body was on the table with its torso cut open. She moved closer to inspect it, and she found it completely hollow. Looking around the room, she saw jaws with internal organs inside of them. In the corner of the room, bones hung on a rack with liquid draining off of them. The scene was too much for her, and she vomited on the floor.

After taking several photos of the gruesome scene, she left in a hurry. In the alley, she collided with Dr. Tyler. He laughed as he helped her up.

"Sorry about that." He tilted his head at her. "Mary, what are you doing here?"

"Monster." She slapped him in the face and ran. Dr. Tyler looked at where she came from and realized she knew his secret. He chased her for several seconds but quickly gave up.

The next morning, Dr. Tyler's sadistic activities were on the front page of the City Times. The police went to his clinic to arrest him, but he disappeared. He left the unfortunate results of his experiments.


r/AstroRideWrites

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FyeNite t1_jc425pt wrote

Hey Astro!

Ooh, you did a great job of painting a truly disturbing scene in that basement. and teasing it too with the woman's face. I really liked how you showed Dr. Tyler to be such a normal and friendly person too! All the way up to when he realised what she knew.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Mary sat on the park bench as the sun set behind her eating a bag of seasoned oyster crackers.

I think just a comma after "behind her" could help here.

> Their neck was covered in slash marks.

We know it's a woman now, so being a bit more specific with the pronouns would help make this character a little more personal to the reader. So the injuries impact us more.

> One week later, Dr. Tyler locked the office door behind him as he left none the wiser. Mary hid in the bushes nearby.

I think just some reordering could help here. Establish that Mary is hiding before you mention that Dr. Tyler is locking up. That way, the "none the wiser" makes sense as we know what he isn't wise to.

> At the bottom of staircase was a laboratory with a table in the middle of the room.

Just missing a "the" before "staircase" here.

> He left the unfortunate results of his experiments.

I just wanted to see this final line connect a bit more with the lines before. So a connective could help maybe. Or "he disappeared, leaving the unfortunate results of his experiments."

One final thing, why didn't the woman go to the police? Why go to a reporter? Did the Doctor threaten her or pay her off? Was something else going on? Why would he leave her alive after he experimented on her? It's clear that he's killed before. Just a bit more detail could help here I think.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

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AstroRide t1_jc85ynt wrote

Thank you for the critique. I've made the changes to improve the phrasing and flow of the piece. Glad you enjoyed it.

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