NotMuchChop t1_jbt2krh wrote on March 11, 2023 at 2:26 PM

Pauline was sat on the trunk of her custom painted (off-white and rust) Camry. It was getting late. She had driven out here, to the worst-polluted beach in town, and parked with the boot towards the ocean so that she could watch who came and went. That job had passed hours ago and now she watched the day run out.

The Sun had set — was swallowed whole by the ocean — and the wasted hours were getting to her. A feeling which was exasperated by the waves and their gentle cooing pleas to remain cool-headed...

Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhhhh.

Pauline hated being told to calm down. Hated it.

Her eyes were on the hazy golden dregs of unfinished daylight and she watched as the coming night slowly slurped it up. Late. The backs of her sensible sneakers took turns to bounce off her cars already dented rear fender — each passing second was gifted a short yet firm kick.

Her contact was late. Very late.

Beyond being a boredom-based bumper-beating metronome, Pauline works as a self-employed investigative journalist...which in this day and age means she has a blog and a lot of student debt. There had been a few freelance gigs and her bills were often paid by baristary, but what she wanted — what she really really wanted — was to be a hard-hitting, truth-touting, blow-this-shit-wide-open journalist.

She just needed a story. She had the chops. She could word good. Could word well, even! And folks seemed to like her in-depth and well researched takes...but she needed...substance?

And now, after networking and investigating and work upon work? A lead! Someone had something for her. Something big. The photos were a good start and Pauline had organised this clandestine meetup, just like a seasoned professional. You never know who you’re going to meet at the beach, right? At the beach no one goes to because it smells weird. Anyone notices us and it’s just a random chance meeting, but who would see us at Stinky Beach?

Late afternoon was the agreed upon time.

And by the thin strip of day that floated on the ocean...it was very very late afternoon. And when that went, so would Pauline.

The journalist was knocked off her car by something hitting her in the side of the head.

It was the word “Hey” spoken by a calm voice from a form that had arrived without warning. Pauline stood up, brushed herself off and squinted at the woman who had scared her half to death. Long dark hair, white business blouse, waist-cinched black pants, and an expensive set of heels. Corporate. Not boardroom, but definitely big-business.

Beyond this new arrival was the silent chariot with which they had secretly secreted themself: one of those new and shiny chic electric cars. Big big-business bucks.

“I left my phone at home like you suggested.” Said The Contact.

“Your car is covered in cameras and has GPS, Dingus.” Is what Pauline thought. What she said was: “Good.”

[wc: 500]

One day I'll get one with a resolution!

FyeNite t1_jc3wvk9 wrote on March 13, 2023 at 9:20 PM

Hey Chop!

I loved these descriptions and the sheer rich backstory you give Pauline here. You do an amazing job of bringing her to life through just a few simple facts about her life. Her dreams and aspirations, her debt, her current work and the amount of work she puts in.

I also really liked the gentle calming feeling the first portion of the story had. It really builds up quite well to that sudden intrusion of the voice. So very well done.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> The Sun had set — was swallowed whole by the ocean — and the wasted hours were getting to her.

I honestly think you don't need these em-dashes here. You're saying the same thing twice, just more dramatic the second time around. I'd say drop the "The sun had set" line and go straight for the more powerful bit.

> Pauline works as a self-employed investigative journalist

There seemed to be a tense shift here. We were in the past tense earlier and now we're in the present. Not sure if that's intentional though.

> but what she wanted — what she really really wanted — was to be a hard-hitting, truth-touting,

Similarly, as above, I think the bit in the em-dashes is just a little too similar to what comes before it. So something like "what she needed really" could be better.

> Anyone notices us and it’s just a random chance meeting, but who would see us at Stinky Beach?

Similar to the tense change. Here I think you switch person. You go from second person to first person. I'd say stick to second.

> The journalist was knocked off her car by something hitting her in the side of the head.

Finally, was just a bit thrown by this. It's an awfully physical and violent reaction to being startled. She didn't just jump off her car, she was thrown off. Just sounds a bit exaggerated.

And last but not least, I kind of have to mention it: the ending. Heck Chop, I need more! Please, it's such a perfect opening. It just needs more!

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

wordsonthewind t1_jcdptyq wrote on March 16, 2023 at 2:13 AM

Hi Chop! This felt more like a lead-in to a longer story but it was a great lead-in! Pauline felt really vivid and real as a character, with her struggle to make a living and dream of breaking a huge story. Her impatience was woven in well throughout the entire story too.

I'd have appreciated a bit more specifics about the exact nature of the story Pauline is chasing. There's photos as evidence but I'd have liked some idea about what was in those photos, if that makes sense. Other than that, I feel like describing her informant's sudden greeting as "something hitting her in the side of the head" was a bit too misleading. I genuinely thought the contact had thrown something at Pauline to get her attention and it was kind of jarring to mentally readjust. Just my two cents.

Good words!