Blu_Spirit t1_jc4wnc4 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 1:35 AM

The Beginning of the End

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This piece should have made my career, not ended it. That once in a lifetime story that, when it comes along, every other assignment — and competing writer — gets told to fuck off. But even knowing that it’d lead to this, I still think I would've taken the bait. Boredom can drive people to do stupid shit. And, damn, was I BORED.

I wasn’t even looking for a story. I was at the Blue Oyster Bar — my usual haunt after Caitlin left with our daughter. Said I was too invested in my work. She wasn’t wrong — I spent far more time chasing stories than I did making our own. My biggest regret.

Focus. The bar. The story. I was three sheets into the wind, munching on seasoned fries to absorb some of the booze sloshing around my belly before attempting to race the last dredges of sunlight home. At least, until this gorgeous redhead sat next to me with a smile, warming my core in a way the alcohol hadn’t. Grinning back, I offered her a drink, surprised she accepted.

Sabine accepted a second drink as well, downing it before whispering seductively in my ear. “Don’t you think it’s time to go home?” Her hot breath sending shivers down my spine and waking up parts I hadn’t paid any mind to for the better part of a year.

I immediately agreed, not considering that someone this beautiful probably had an ulterior motive. After all, it wasn’t like I still had “it”, that fabled recipe of charm and attractiveness. Not sure I ever did in the first place, if I am being honest.

Honest. Sure. Not like I have much time left. I am writing this in the foolish hope that someone — other than my captor — will find it. That my racing thoughts will cross the finish line before the blood — my blood — has been stolen from my veins.

Beautiful, sneaky Sabine. We went back to my apartment, and — well, it was a great night. For me at least. Never had the chance to ask her. Next morning, that damned manila envelope, leaning against my coffee pot. Full of the proof that the worlds’ leaders are working to keep us docile, distracted. Hiding the truth — that we are nothing more than livestock for gods that most of us don’t even believe in.

Gods. Demons. Celestials. Angels. Whatever name they use, they're monsters. Much like the legends of vampires, these…creatures feed on us. More than our blood, though, they steal our lives. Our years. I have aged decades in days. Always suspected I’d die young, never feeling the toll of time on my body. How wrong I was.

I won’t see tomorrow. But the proof, my article, can be found with the dreams of my future. He’s here. It’s the end.

If you find my story, share it. Stop them. Tell the world, don’t let my death —

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WC 495

Feedback always welcome, and thank you for reading!

FyeNite t1_jc7ai47 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 3:50 PM

Hey Blu!

Ooh, nice twist here. This kind of story often ends with the people being the real monsters. Those with power and wealth being the real things to fear and such. So it's refreshing to get a story that doesn't do that and takes a more literal meaning of the word monster.

I quite liked your opening here too. You set the backstory up really well, and tell us from the start that this won't end well. And that does wonders for the tension.

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> I spent far more time chasing stories than I did making our own. My biggest regret.

So I did just feel like there was a bit of a contradiction here. Before this, our character openly admits that they'd give into the rush of the biggest story of their lives even if they knew how badly it would end.

But then here, they openly admit that they wished they hadn't let their family go. So maybe just removing the "My biggest regret." could fix it? But up to you.

> warming my core in a way the alcohol hadn’t.

A minor change here, but "couldn't" may work better over "hadn't" here. Insinuating that she made him feel a way that the alcohol couldn't achieve. Because as it stands, one could maybe take it as 'if he'd just drink some more, he could perhaps reach that same level of warmth.' Which I don't think is what you were intending.

> Grinning back, I offered her a drink, surprised she accepted.

The commas here make it seem like this is all simultaneous. He grins at her whilst offering a drink for instance. There's no chronological order of events. But then the last bit snagged me. She'd only be able to accept the drink after he offered, right? So maybe a period followed by "I was surprised she accepted." maybe?

I may be way overthinking this, haha.

> Her hot breath sending shivers down my spine and waking up parts I hadn’t paid any mind to for the better part of a year.

Just a tense change here I think. You go from past to present a few times in this piece I think. Nothing too big though.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!