London-Roma-1980 t1_jc75lne wrote on March 14, 2023 at 3:17 PM

Cullen Bell, the editor in chief of the Daily Apple, looked out over the beginnings of sunset. The deadline was fast approaching, and his biggest story was still up in the air. He needed to hear back from the final authors, twin brothers Edward and Jacob Long, before he could put it to bed.

"Where is that finished article?" he asked to no one in particular.

As if on cue, a knock came on his office door. Alice Carlisle, the managing reporter, burst through. "Mr. Bell, sir... we have a problem."

Someone who was a seasoned veteran of the newspaper industry such as Cullen understood that "we have a problem" was business-talk for "everything just hit the fan". He slowly turned around, then quickly recoiled. Alice's face and arms were covered in ink!

"Why, Miss Carlisle... what in the world happened to you?"

"It's the twins, sir. They were out of control."

"Did they hurt you?"

Alice hesitated. "N-no, sir, but they've set operations back in the printing room quite a bit. The two were working on a middle paragraph of the top story and got into an argument over the Oxford comma. It turned into a bit of a shoving match, and then... then a full-on fight broke out."

Cullen became nervous. "Is... everyone alright?"

"No injuries, sir, nor any damage. But as you can see, they wasted some of our printer's ink on each other and... I got in the middle of it to break it up." Alice stared at her hands, wondering when her subordinates stopped paying attention and hoping her boss wouldn't blame her.

"I'm glad you did. I assume both brothers were sent home?"

"Pending an investigation, yes," Alice replied. "And we're working double-speed to get the paper out. I don't want to fire them -- they have a way with words separately, but when on the story together, everything falls apart!"

"No, Alice, I presume a suspension will be enough." Cullen offered a box of tissues to Alice, as though that would clean up the black mess on her face thoroughly. "But I suppose this is a lesson for next time."

"I agree, boss. Never let the brothers on the same story again." Alice wiped as much of the ink off her face as she could with every tissue in the box before returning to supervise the daily edition.

Slowly, Cullen sat as his desk and made himself a note: two Longs don't make a write-up.

[WC: 411; Regrets: 0]

FyeNite t1_jc7h0sy wrote on March 14, 2023 at 4:31 PM

Hey Duke!

Welp, you got an audible groan from me for that ending. So like, I'll give you that, haha. And you did such a great job with a good story too. The plot didn't feel forced or anything in order to get to the joke. So really well done there.

Like, the only thing I could say is perhaps build it up more? Tease it maybe? But then again, I also liked how you did it. Write this great story and end it with a hilarious pun. I'm going to call it a pun at least.

Very well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Deadline was fast approaching,

This read oddly to me. "The deadline was fast approaching," or something may work better. But not sure.

> "And we're working double-speed to get the paper out. I don't want to fire them -- they have a way with words separately, but when on the story together, everything falls apart!"

So if Alice is Cullen's assistant, does she have the power to fire people? Is that something she can do or is she simply wielding Culen's power here? And with that, who is Cullen in the company? I might have missed it, but is he the CEO? The big boss? Not too sure but this bit did give me pause.

> Cullen offered an entire box of tissues to Alice, as though that would clean up the black mess on her face thoroughly.

I don't think you need "entire" here. It's a detail that we can already assume. Also, later on, you make it a point to say that she uses most, if not all, of the tissues anyway. So you could just dodge some repetition that way.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

London-Roma-1980 t1_jc882rb wrote on March 15, 2023 at 12:21 AM

Glad you groaned, Fye!

Alice is the middle manager between the brothers and Cullen. I should make that more clear.

Thanks!