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katpoker666 t1_jc7y1kd wrote

‘Dodgeball Gods’

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Stanton Elementary’s grounds embraced their rural setting. Blessed with plenty of space, crabapple and sycamore trees lined dappled asphalt paths. The baseball field spread out next to the pristine basketball court. But at the heart of it all, in the disused tennis court, dodgeball was the name of the game.

Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening’s fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, he was nevertheless the leader, as his friend’s slightly slumped shoulders attested.

“They’re looking good, Pepper. In fine form. And aren’t those shirts great?”

“Yes indeed, Cotton. The school’s done well with the new gym uniforms… And wow! Look at them go—straight through the metal gate and onto the court.”

The students gathered in a line as the two self-declared captains, a gawky kid and a tanned, brunette, picked sides.

“The first few choices have been unsurprising—your standard dodge gods. Wait, did you see that, Pepper?! Scrawny new guy gets chosen over the next round of ball hogs?”

“It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for them.”

“And look, it’s everybody’s favorite gym teacher and the coach for both teams to provide some inspiration!”

A man with thinning brown hair and a mustard-stained blue shirt stepped forward. “Alright, kids, it’s time to review the five Ds of dodgeball—dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. And, if you remember nothing else, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

“Words to live by, Pepper. Words to live by.”

Six players took to the court on each side. Angry looks and scowls at those usually considered their friends were the norm in dodgeball.

“Ain’t no room for smiles here. Dodge ball is life!!”

“You’re quoting Ted Lasso now, Pepper?”

“At least it’s a current reference!”

“Touché, Pepper. Oh, no—look! Inside-out-shirt team’s captain got walloped. Ouchtown, population: you bro!”

“Is t-that blood?”

The captain roared as the ball hit the ground, indicating a fair play. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!”

“Gross. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

“TMI Cotton. Moving on. Who will win is the big question of the day! Will it be the righteous right-side-out shirts or the incredible inside-out ones? Only time will tell.”

As the three balls whizzed back and forth between the two teams, Cotton and Pepper watched, mesmerized.

“Didya see that catch? Gonna be a substitution for sure!”

“Right, you are Cotton. And in good time, too—the players look pretty tired out there.”

The seasoned coach glanced up at the reddening sky, darkening to black. “Time to call it, kiddos.”

“But, coach,” the right-side-out captain whined. “We’re tied! Didn’t you say ‘only losers end on ties’?”

The coach combed through his sparse hair with his hand, little wisps floating in the breeze, before standing tall. “You’re all losers then, I guess! Hit the locker room!”

“Who would have seen that coming, Cotton?”

“Well, it has happened the last six games…”

—-

WC: 499

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Thanks for reading! Feedback is always very much appreciated

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FyeNite t1_jc85shl wrote

Hey Kat!

Hehe, I loved the commentary here. You have some hilarious moments like the TNI comment and all the different uniform descriptions, haha. I think you did a fantastic job characterising the two kids too! Even without dialogue tags, I could make out who was who here with the speech.

Also lol, I loved that twist ending. The coach was clearly fed up with the game and just wanted to end the class. So hey, everyone's a loser, haha.

One specific detail that I liked here was where you had the game situated. On the disused tennis court. It pretty much tells us everything we need to know about how the teachers of the school view the great game of dodgeball, thereby setting up some of the other jokes going forward.

So really well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you though,

> Blessed with plenty of space, crabapple and sycamore trees lined dappled asphalt paths.

I do think you might want just a little more here. You mention the trees, but is there anything more? Maybe something about hills or forests in the distance? Everything was neatly mowed grass? Just something more to this beautiful description, basically.

> Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening’s fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, Cotton was nevertheless the clear leader, as Pepper’s slightly slumped shoulders attested.

I think there's just a bit of repetition of names here. I think using a few pronouns instead could work better because you've already established who you're talking about. So something like:

"Cotton stood with his buddy Pepper as the team assembled in the early evening's fading sun. Younger and shorter with red hair, he was nevertheless the clear leader, as his friend's slightly slumped shoulders attested."

Maybe that could work?

> “They’re looking good, Pepper. In fine form. And aren’t those new uniforms great?”

> “Yes indeed, Cotton. The school has done well with the new gym uniforms… And wow! Look at them go Straight through the metal gate and onto the court.”

I think you just repeated the bit about the uniforms here.

"And aren’t those new uniforms great?"

And,

"The school has done well with the new gym uniforms…"

Both seemed like introductions to the uniforms. Like two different ways to bring our attention to them for the first time, if that makes sense. Maybe cutting one?

Also, the second bit of the second paragraph made me think that the uniforms were running through the gate for a second. Probably didn't help that I originally read it as the gate still being closed, haha. Just a small thing.

> And, if you remember nothing else, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

Just a bit of repetition of "if you" here a little close together. Hmm, not sure how you could change that though...

> the Right-side-out captain whined.

And finally, the name for the uniforms. It's named two different things I believe:

"right-way-round shirts"

And,

"Right-side-out"

I'm not sure if that was intentional though. However, considering the other team goes by a consistent name, I'll leave this here in case it wasn't.

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

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katpoker666 t1_jc86k07 wrote

Wow! As always some great crit! Thanks so much, Fye! :)

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LivelyFox3737 t1_jcco7x7 wrote

Kat, you've given us another delightful read. I never fail to smile reading your stories, I'm in for a shock if you ever write a dark piece!
Smiled big time at "dodge gods". I can see that as a title also, a nice little juxtaposition for the disused tennis courts in the first para.
I've awarded myself the title of Crap Critiquer...so I'll be scuttling off now!
Thanks for an enjoyable story.

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katpoker666 t1_jccq3yx wrote

Thanks Lively appreciate the kind words and feedback. May also steal your title idea :)

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