HardcoreMandolinist t1_j27zibq wrote
How the shit does this even happen? Fml.
I watched motionlessly, the blood pouring from my face as the driver of our Isekai truck swerved away from the kid. The kid who was supposed to become a great warrior and help save an entire kingdom from complete decimation.
“Dude, what are you gonna do? There’s no way we can use a grizzly and we can’t get authorization for another truck,” I said.
“We get a druid.”
“¿Qué?” I was beyond baffled.
“I said we get a druid.”
“Never mind the fact that the nearest druid is thousands of miles to the West and centuries earlier how the hell is a druid going to help?”
“They can cast an awaking spell on the bear.”
Marty looked at me like a toddler who just learned how to use a spoon. “Dude. This isn’t fucking Forgotten Realms it’s Edo Japan. There’s no fucking magic!”
“I know, I know. But we can still make it work. We just go to some fantasy world, grab a druid, bring him to the grizzly and have him awaken it.” That same silly grin on his face.
“And how do you suppose we get the druid there?”
He literally pointed into the air and said “We use a wizard!”
I hung my head in dismay. “So we just find a wizard, convince him to transport a druid between universes and have the druid awaken a seventeen-hundred pound grizzly then proceed to have the grizzly save the kingdom. Sounds simple enough. You just forgot one simple detail. What the actual fuck is an awakened grizzly bear doing in Edo Japan?”
“Shit. I hadn’t thought about that.”
“That’s the thing you hadn’t thought about? Seriously?”
“Okay, maybe we can—“
“Shut the fuck up for a minute. Let me think.” Marty looked a little hurt but I just ignored him. I paced the room for a few minutes trying to figure out how to get around his fuck up. I told him we should just wait until the kid flies to San Francisco. The plane was going to crash. It even would have been less paperwork since there wasn’t going to be any evidence of bodies, much less survivors. There were way too many variables while he was still in Alaska. Our Isekai truck was a 16-wheeler on an icy highway and that alone didn’t guarantee the kid would be hit. That kind of transport vehicle (no pun intended) is usually reserved for frivolous stories like a great-great-great-neice meeting her peasant aunt. Stories with no consequence. Usually when someone hits the wrong target you can still manage to make due with them. Generations removed it’s usually easy enough to convince poor old Aunt Elsie that she never had any nieces and this is actually her nephew. But shit man… A grizzly? I’ve seen some fuck ups before but this one takes the cake.
Then it hit me.
“We can use a wizard.”
“Wait… Aren’t you the one who just told me this isn’t a table-top game?”
“Yeah, but a powerful enough wizard can transport someone between any universes.”
“And where are we going to find a wizard that powerful?”
“Wait. You’re the one who had the wizard idea to begin with. You didn’t think about that?”
“Well…”
“Nevermind. I think I know just the guy.” I gave him a somewhat sinister grin.
A look of recognition slowly formed on his face. “Dude. He’ll fucking kill you.”
“Yeah and so will our manager.” Neither one of us was joking. “We don’t have a choice.”
It’s maybe a bit cliché? I like the idea of going meta though.
This is the first time I’ve ever written for a prompt. Please let me know what you think.
HelloWorld1352 t1_j2830j4 wrote
It’s an interesting story. I hope you continue writing more.
HardcoreMandolinist t1_j283ind wrote
Thnx!
Can you offer any specific critique? I've been writing here and there for some years now but have rarely had the opportunity for someone to read my work and so have had little input from others.
I'm especially worried about my dialogue. When I read others' dialogue all too often I find it to be stiff and unrealistic. I worry that mine falls into the same traps and I wonder how to avoid them.
EvilNoobHacker t1_j28upww wrote
Outside of general grammar and tense issues that are normally fixed with time-
The dialogue feels very natural. The way the characters are written feels a little cliche- I’ve seen this character dynamic used for comedy plenty of times before- but it’s well executed, and it doesn’t feel forced, so I like it.
The references to real world properties like Forgotten Realms is a nice touch.
The grizzly could have been played for a bit more comedy, I think. At least dead body humor. The humor comes less from the intrinsic zaniness of the situation and more from the character interactions between our POV character and his (probably high) partner in crime. Heck, I would have runs small gag where, in fact, the mama bear isn’t dead, just angry, because it’s a nearly 2 ton BEAR.
Outside of that, there really isn’t all too much to critique here. It doesn’t go too deeply into genre subversion, it doesn’t exactly throw the prompt in any wild directions, and it’s executed nicely enough. Those aren’t bad things- sometimes, popcorn reading is a little more fun than having to think.
Good Job. I honestly liked it, and it was a fun read.
HardcoreMandolinist t1_j2c4a6a wrote
I went through it and I didn't recognize any grammar or tense issues. I find it's easier for me to notice that kind of thing in others' writing than in my own. Can you point them out for me.
I was worried while I was writing it whether the whole thing might come off as cliché but I guess that's not always a bad thing. As you said, you think it's well executed and I would agree that the manner of writing can sometimes be more important the substance.
As for the bear? I was thinking about putting more gags in involving it, but it was really late in the morning for me and I just wanted to post something.
All said and done I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, and based on my upvote count so far, others are enjoying it too. This is a real confidence boost for me to continue working on my writing skills and putting more work out there.
HelloWorld1352 t1_j283mdg wrote
I’m not an expert but I like this story’s style. The dialogue is very casual, like the characters know it’s meant to be a parody. It’s pretty good to me.
HardcoreMandolinist t1_j283tb0 wrote
Cool. I can live with that. Thnx again!
HelloWorld1352 t1_j283ulc wrote
No problem.
jlg317 t1_j2b4v13 wrote
"Grizzly bear in another world: the animation" sounds dope to be honest
NahdiNomaan t1_j2cfixv wrote
Thanks for the read. Loved it.
XasiAlDena t1_j2eex0a wrote
We had the same approach, basically.
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