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HelloWorld1352 t1_j2830j4 wrote

Reply to comment by HardcoreMandolinist in [WP] The Isekai Truck misses the intended target and hits a seventeen-hundred pound Grizzly Bear instead. by FalseWallaby9

It’s an interesting story. I hope you continue writing more.

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HardcoreMandolinist t1_j283ind wrote

Thnx!

Can you offer any specific critique? I've been writing here and there for some years now but have rarely had the opportunity for someone to read my work and so have had little input from others.

I'm especially worried about my dialogue. When I read others' dialogue all too often I find it to be stiff and unrealistic. I worry that mine falls into the same traps and I wonder how to avoid them.

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EvilNoobHacker t1_j28upww wrote

Outside of general grammar and tense issues that are normally fixed with time-

The dialogue feels very natural. The way the characters are written feels a little cliche- I’ve seen this character dynamic used for comedy plenty of times before- but it’s well executed, and it doesn’t feel forced, so I like it.

The references to real world properties like Forgotten Realms is a nice touch.

The grizzly could have been played for a bit more comedy, I think. At least dead body humor. The humor comes less from the intrinsic zaniness of the situation and more from the character interactions between our POV character and his (probably high) partner in crime. Heck, I would have runs small gag where, in fact, the mama bear isn’t dead, just angry, because it’s a nearly 2 ton BEAR.

Outside of that, there really isn’t all too much to critique here. It doesn’t go too deeply into genre subversion, it doesn’t exactly throw the prompt in any wild directions, and it’s executed nicely enough. Those aren’t bad things- sometimes, popcorn reading is a little more fun than having to think.

Good Job. I honestly liked it, and it was a fun read.

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HardcoreMandolinist t1_j2c4a6a wrote

I went through it and I didn't recognize any grammar or tense issues. I find it's easier for me to notice that kind of thing in others' writing than in my own. Can you point them out for me.

I was worried while I was writing it whether the whole thing might come off as cliché but I guess that's not always a bad thing. As you said, you think it's well executed and I would agree that the manner of writing can sometimes be more important the substance.

As for the bear? I was thinking about putting more gags in involving it, but it was really late in the morning for me and I just wanted to post something.

All said and done I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, and based on my upvote count so far, others are enjoying it too. This is a real confidence boost for me to continue working on my writing skills and putting more work out there.

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HelloWorld1352 t1_j283mdg wrote

I’m not an expert but I like this story’s style. The dialogue is very casual, like the characters know it’s meant to be a parody. It’s pretty good to me.

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jlg317 t1_j2b4v13 wrote

"Grizzly bear in another world: the animation" sounds dope to be honest

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