Submitted by Crystal1501 t3_zhvot4 in WritingPrompts
WilliamSyler t1_izp0f42 wrote
I had been sitting in my apartment, nursing a hot chocolate as the cold winter's day perfectly emulated my mood. I was bested, captured, and my identity revealed. I was arrested and charged for my crimes, and only because of a technicality could I be under house arrest. Not that I would violate that, I'm going to continue being on my best behavior. But the worst part was that it wasn't even my nemesis who did it. I had no doubt she would if she had the chance, but she never got to because of that new speedster.
I looked at my phone again to see no response. It was unusual that my ex-wife hadn't responded to my inquiries of how Malory's day was going, but maybe that was just because I'm now too infamous for her safety. I wouldn't blame her, but I can't not worry about my daughter.
Then there was a sudden knock at my door. I looked out the exterior window to the cops "taking a break" outside my ground-floor apartment; they looked flabbergasted at the building's entrance, but didn't have any weapons drawn. Concerned but cautious, I went up to the door and- blast, the peephole was still cloudy as hell. I opened the door.
Standing in the entryway, my 2-year old daughter asleep in her arms, was Valor. My nemesis. I leapt back and activated my "combat pre-cog" ability, but the analysis part of my power stopped me before I could lash out. It was only then that I saw that Valor was battered and bruised, her armor wrecked. Who could've hit Valor with that much force, I boggled. And my power noted that she wasn't even going for a combat stance at all. But there was pain in her eyes, that she had seen me react to her presence like she would hurt me.
She wouldn't, not now.
I relaxed as Valor tried to hide her pained reaction. Gently, she handed over my daughter and said, "Just saved her life. Need to go home and rest." As she turned to leave, I grabbed her arm gently and asked, "Hang on, I want you to tell me what happened." I began to pull her inside and she didn't resist, but she did stop briefly to waive away the police officers who had opened the front door and were coming into the entryway.
As Valor sat down I laid my Malory on the couch and put a blanket on her. I then went to get a mug of coffee and brought it to Valor. She drank deeply from the scalding mug, a reminder that she was absurdly tough even at her weakest, as I sat down and picked up my hot chocolate. Her eyes darted over to the window, and I looked out to see the officers observing. I nodded to them, enjoying the surprise on their face, before turning back to Valor.
She took an entire minute just to think. I had seen her do this before, her eyes darting back and forth as she pondered things deeply. Despite the fact that I had literally precognitive abilities, she still thought faster than any baseline human and I would not underestimate her. Then her eyes caught mine, and she flushed with embarrassment as she realized I was waiting for a response.
"Caroline's dead," she said simply.
No. My ex-wife was dead?
"What happened," I nearly shouted.
"Shh," she reminded me quickly. "A 'privileged witness' had notified me that the villain Rahul had killed a woman at a coffee joint in Gibson and absconded with a child. I came out as quick as I could, and found him monologuing to a news van about what he was going to do to her if you didn't come out to face him."
Holy shit. That bastard Rahul had targeted me directly? And one of Valor's family members, most certainly a civilian, had seen my ex-wife die. "Why hadn't I heard about this?"
"He had been talking to them for less than a minute when I arrived. I'm sure if you turned on the news now, it'll be all over."
My eyes involuntarily flicked over to the unpowered television before I looked back a Valor. She gave a little grin of recognition, remembering all the times she's done that same maneuver to me before, before she continued.
"I gave him the best sucker punch I had upon arrival and he thankfully dropped your daughter. I took the fight as far out as I could, but Rahul had his newest strength-serum already injected. I promise I didn't kill him, but the comedown from his serum combined with what I did to him was too much for his body to handle."
"What the fuck? Rahul's dead too? Jesus, that must've been some serum. I know how you fight, and you absolutely would disable him with the minimum amount of injury. Had he not analyzed this formula before?"
"Dunno, didn't care to ask," she said with a small grin. I couldn't help but enjoy the dark humor as well. "Couldn't leave your daughter with the cops, it didn't feel right."
I looked over to Malory, lamenting that they'll probably demand to take her somewhere "safe" soon. "It would've been the right thing to do, though, but I appreciate it more than I can say. I won't resist when they do come to get her though."
"I'm sorry Darkstar. I-"
"Please, Valor, it's just Paul now."
There was a moment of silence before a thought came to mind. "I can't help but think that the brat who caught me needs to learn that this is why we don't unmask each other so abruptly." I could feel the anger seeping into my words.
"I know. I told Wildstride to turn himself into custody as I was flying your daughter here. He does need to be held accountable to his part of this, or at least whatever the jury decides his part is."
I scoffed. "Then the jury will side with the 'heroes' again. They always do."
"You might be surprised," Valor responded as she grabbed my remote and turned on the TV.
The story flashed across the news, and they were describing it as a tragedy. I watched in surprise as the news stated the situation to a background video of Valor wrecking Rahul's left knee, and their sympathy towards my ex-wife was bleeding over to me too.
"It really does help that all your crimes were basically illegal take-downs of corruption and you never hurt, or even threatened, any innocent people. Hell, there's even a discussion going on online about the time you stopped Rahul from killing those civilians."
I grinned at that memory. "What can I say? That bastard absolutely deserved it."
Then another knock at my door, this one expected. I got up and let in the pair of officers who said, "Paul, the bosses are ordering that we get your daughter into protective custody ASAP. Sorry."
Before I could respond, Valor asked, "Can we at least wait until she wakes up? I'll be here until then."
The officer hesitated, but seeing the look on Valor's face he crumpled. "Sure, as long as we can wait in here as well."
"Of course, wouldn't want you all to freeze," I said as I sat down next to my sleeping angel. I looked up to Valor and I knew that she could see the gratitude in my eyes. Looking down at Malory, I resolved not to cry until they all left.
Crystal1501 OP t1_izp1zxy wrote
This was tragic but beautiful... I think Paul should insist that Valor gets to look after Malory.
DragonBoss206 t1_izq3lfi wrote
It would be pretty cool if that happened and then while they’re chilling at home a band of villains could attack her (Valor) and attempt to steal the girl again. Paul could pull up at the last second and fight them all to the death. I’m just looking for a last stand type of ending where he goes all out and takes them all down but goes down too so Valor can be a sort of God Mother to the girl.
Jumbug t1_izp9c7k wrote
IMHO, this is really well done and the pacing is easy to follow.
Two minor nits:
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"Windster" is only mentioned at the end. It doesn't seem necessary to hide that information. I think it would be clearer if you mentioned his name when you mention "that new speedster".
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Your description at the end of "basically illegal take-downs of corruption", suggest that Darkstar is more vigilante than villian. I think you could add something in the beginning, in addition to the pain of losing his wife, identity exposed, and such, that Darkstar is worried about who will hold the corrupt accountable and punish them for abusing trust (which also plays into a vigilante also breaking trust with the law and it's processes). I think it's great that Valor introduces the idea that Darkstar has never hurt anyone rather than have Darkstar reveal that.
random_shitter t1_izq654u wrote
Good feedback.
jjtitula t1_izp1uiz wrote
That was awesome, love the emotion conveyed! Sensing a switching of sides and a team up! Part 2?
MrRedoot55 t1_izq169b wrote
Good story.
MagicTech547 t1_izq5p1a wrote
Nice! This was really good!
HrithikTheBoss t1_izrk2n9 wrote
Some feedback is make more use of the fact that Valor and Darkstar are nemeses who seem to have put aside their differences… you could try to explain why that’s the case (some mutual goal)
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