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iphigenia22 t1_iqvl38y wrote

Reply to comment by YogurtclosetOdd4238 in In light of the Try Guys' Cheating Scandal, I asked 50 friends whether they thought physical or emotional cheating was worse [oc] by hannigong4dmi

Emotional infidelity is quite a common term. There are many things that could fall into that category, for example a man (swap male/female to whatever suits you, it happens all ways, I'm just giving an example with no intended implications) in a committed relationship becomes involved in a deep friendship with another woman, he begins to confide in her, share secrets with her, spends an increasing amount of time with her and perhaps talks to her about problems in his relationship or shares confidential details of personal information (eg details of their sex life, a pregnancy that hasn't yet been publicly announced, details of his partners finances or medical conditions etc).

He is basically engaging with this woman in a way that would likely be uncomfortable to his partner, possibly unacceptable to her, and may be engaging in texts/ calls that need to be deleted/ hidden, which is a level of deception and not conducive to a strong relationship built on trust.

The partner meanwhile is not initially aware of this friendship, the woman has not - and likely will not - be introduced or even mentioned to the partner because the man enjoys having the attention of the second female and might be using it as a distraction from dealing with issues at home.

Believing all is normal in her relationship she continues to put her time and effort into being a good girlfriend/partner/wife and making her man happy, blissfully unaware at first of what is taking place. This would usually increase over time & begin to increasingly violate the trust and confines of the relationship. The partner is likely to feel a distance or detect a change and may start to become suspicious, feeling she is being left out, or as if she's being lined up to be replaced, and possibly a sense of betrayal.

Remember affairs don't usually begin with sex, they begin with smiles, conversations, a build up of familiarity, shared jokes and flirting etc until the person starts to check out of their existing relationships to fulfil their desires with the new person whilst betraying the loyalty and trust of their partner.

Women are also often more deeply hurt because men don't tend to cheat upwards, the last thing a cheating man wants is a woman who has her shit together just as much or even more than the woman he's got, one who will quickly catch on to his games and emotional immaturity and lack of boundaries, so he cheats with someone who will laugh at his jokes and massage his ego, and for women it's usually devastating because they have a strong habit of comparing themselves to the other woman as a way of trying to understand what needs the man got fulfilled elsewhere that she wants able to fulfill. Men don't usually put themselves through that comparison, they don't tend to assume they were they problem, and thus are usually more disgusted by the (thought of the) physicality of another man touching his woman.

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ten-year-reset t1_iqxgmau wrote

>comparing themselves to the other woman as a way of trying to understand what needs the man got fulfilled elsewhere

This reminds me of something my wife said when we talked about infidelity: "If you cheated on me with another man, that's something I would understand, because he could do things for you that I couldn't"

I think she'd still leave me, there just wouldn't be any "why are you with that floozie?" in the ensuing argument and barrage of dishes hurled my way.

Interesting point about men not cheating upwards. I'd never considered that before, but it makes perfect sense.

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iphigenia22 t1_iqxjvoi wrote

I can't offer any statistical evidence but my anecdotal experience is that women often take infidelity with an internal sense of failure on their part, even if their brain tells them it was completely "on him". Men seem to internalise it far less.

The need to understand "why" is more obtainable if the reason was that the husband had an undisclosed sexual attraction or preference for other men. A woman may, after the initial hurt, be able to feel a level of understanding and commission in such a scenario, but when it's with another woman there is no reason that can offer any comfort, the only small solace is absolute honesty to whatever questions she may have.

Often it opens a door for the woman to question if she could have done something to prevent it, analysing her looks, struggling with her stuff esteem etc which in turn less to crippling amounts of insecurity, self doubt and inevitable comparison.

It's quite common for women to become fixated with the "other woman", feeling a need to know about her appearance and personality. I've noted that in instances such as infidelity that women often cling to obtaining information as a way of intenally maintaining some sense of order and control whilst trying to process & make sense of a situation.

Of course this is a large generalisation and there will be plentiful exceptions but such responses are surprisingly common.

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YogurtclosetOdd4238 t1_iqwf3yz wrote

Holy smokes, dude. Thank you very much for your effort and your time. I definitely understand now what 'emotional cheating' is and totally can understand it, why people don't like it.

Since I've read so much about cheating on the internet and how common it is, I think I would feel the most comfortable by getting an Android. Or a hype realistic love doll.

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iphigenia22 t1_iqwix4s wrote

You're very welcome. I understand your reaction too, and hopefully you've never had nor will have to experience such a situation, because for many people - of any gender - it can be absolutely devastating to have ones trust betrayed and the thing about betrayal is that it is never done by our perceived enemies but by those we loved and had faith in.

Those who cheat aren't necessarily bad people, they're often just emotionally immature, and those who do it repeatedly are most likely caught in a subconscious cycle of wanting love or sometimes just validation but being unable to cope with relationships. People who stay desire multiple offenses are also doing so to try to meet some subconscious need.

IMO it's unfortunate that society promotes falling into relationships so easily and we fail young people by but teaching them the absolute necessity to learn to qualify the people we meet as friends, lovers, partners, business associates etc - so many people end up in messy situations because they simply didn't take the time to qualify and observe someone before granting them access to their life at these levels.

Although there is inherent risk in trusting another person, we humans are wired for connection and will always seek it. That risk can be greatly reduced by knowing ourselves better, being clear about our wants, needs, expectations & boundaries. That self awareness affords us a level of protection. People that give anyone and everyone access to themselves at an emotional and physical level, let alone sexual, often fail to have a full sense of their own worth. If one values something, they naturally protect it, that also applies to our own hearts, sadly many people don't learn that lesson until after theirs has been broken.

For anyone interested in learning more about those things and creating harmonious successful romantic relationships I would suggest The Gottman Institute as a good starting place, check out their IG for example.

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