My (26M) girlfriend (24F) wants me to propose before we move in together because it's against her family beliefs

Submitted by Tomatomir t3_11emseg in relationship_advice

Me (26M) and my girlfriend (24F) have been dating for 3 years.

I will note that my girlfriend is Georgian.

Her family is kinda old fashioned, and that messed our relationship in many ways over the years.

For example, even now, we can't sleep together overnight because it's not considered appropriate by her parents to sleep together before marriage.

Before I go any further, I must say that my gf does not share the same values as her parents, and she suffers as much as I do from it.

Lately, the subject of marriage has been brought up in conversation between us, and I said that I won't even consider proposing before we live for some time together.

I truly believe that it's a necessary step to go through as a couple before considering moving forward with the relationship. I've heard about plenty of couples that had amazing dynamics, but as soon as they moved in together, they figured out that they couldn't live together and they broke up.

I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm finding out that I cant stand to live in the same house as my partner after we're already married and now we need to go through a divorce, instead of just breaking up if things don't work out.

I've explained my logic to my gf, and explained that its a principle thing for me, and instead of giving me a proper response in the like of that she doesn't agree with my views or opinions (which if that was the case, it would've been a completely different story), she just said "we wont move in together before marriage because it doesnt line up with my family old fashioned values". (Which again, she hates and doesn't agree with)

We've talked about the contradiction of her words and actions before, and it boils down to the fact that she is kinda spoiled and she doesn't want to set bounderies for her toxic parents because she is afraid they will cut her off..

We got into a heated argument last night about this topic, which by the end of it, she asked me, " What's the point of continuing dating if you're not gonna marry me? We won't be loving together before marriage because of my family. " To which I responded, "I will seriously consider proposing as soon as we'll move in together for at least a couple of months."

What do you think I should do? Talk to her and try to convince her that she should think for herself for once instead of chickening out because her parents were raised in a different time when living together was considered wrong..

Should I talk to her parents and try to get them to see my point? Or should I seriously consider breaking up?

P.S. Sorry if it's a bit hard to understand, English isn't my native language.

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LaPakawaka t1_jaey52a wrote

What if she burns the bridge with her parents and loses their support and you don’t end up proposing? If you plan on doing it in a few months what is the difference if marriage is something you both want?

Unless it is for tax reasons or debt I don’t understand people who want to live together and do wife/husband things like setting up a home without being married. I get that it works for a lot of people but you are asking her to burn an important bridge without the piece of paper that would protect her. I have seen these types of arrangements or uncommitted commitments turn messy(especially for 1 of the people) in the long term if they don’t work out.

If that is a deal breaker to you then let her go and go on your way.

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Tomatomir OP t1_jaezdgo wrote

I "plan" to propose in a few months in the case that we will live together and confirm to each other that we can manage to live together, without anyones support/meddling and without wanting to "kill eachother" after being stuck together for 24H every day straight 😅 I find it a necessary step for a relationship that any couple should face before considering marriage..

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LaPakawaka t1_jaf0vfw wrote

So you do realize what you are asking of her? And it is whatever? If she loses her family support and you don’t propose AND marry her, it seems like she has a lot to lose on your living habits and expectations.

Living together or a long engagement/relationship is no guarantee of a happy and long marriage. She has a lot to lose; her family. She could do everything right and be the perfect living mate by most standards and you can still decide “you want to unalive her” bc she doesn’t put out the recycling the way you would have liked or she chews to loudly. That is a big risk for her and if she were my friend I would advise her against the risk.

I moved in the week of my wedding and have been married for 14ish years so I guess I am biased and don’t understand wanting to set up house with someone who would not commit and was willing to see me risk my family who supports me.

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SugarGlitterkiss t1_jaexj6x wrote

You know, you're pretty much past the proposal part. One of you has proposed living together, she's basically proposed you get married if you want that to happen, and you said no.

You're at at impasse, so unless she can accept a marriage proposal from you and agree to live together as an engaged couple (for at least a year, with a firm date to either set a wedding date or break up) it sounds like this isn't going to work.

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Tomatomir OP t1_jaeyc3o wrote

The part that bothers me the most is the fact that it isn't even her own will.. she just doesn't want to get cut off from her family for not following their "rules".

They won't allow us to live together till we are officially married.. even proposing won't "solve" this issue..

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SugarGlitterkiss t1_jaf0mrk wrote

It is her will. And it's been your will to stay with a girl who follows her family rules. It sounds like you might not have made the best choice for yourself.

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