Advice: I am a 26 (F) who’s been in a situationship with a 28 (M) saying I’m the reason he hasn’t committed after one year.

Submitted by beautyandrage25 t3_11ek1yi in relationship_advice

So a little back story, I met and romantically linked up with a man at this time last year. We both have the goal of marriage and children by age 30. Our mindset is dating to marry. No fooling around. He’s the first person I’ve said I love you too and he says I’m the first girl he’s said it to.

We are still not boyfriend and girlfriend. I have pushed him away a bunch due to childhood trauma creating it difficult for me to feel safe with trust in relationships. He said because of me he’s taking things slow and hasn’t put a label on it. But the longer I go without a label, the more I push him away. He wants to do the relationship stuff, spend time together, be romantic, etc but it’s been a year of the same story. He also will not tell his family about me but was very eager to meet my friends and family. Should we just call it quits? I feel stuck and the lack of relationship title makes me feel unsafe.

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Ambrose-DH t1_jaeih96 wrote

Good lord just let him love you or let him move on, and I mean that the nicest way possible, but from experience if he has genuine feelings for you and you're doing this? It's gotta hurt way more than he lets on, he WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, and you push him away, he clearly has presence of mind to think of you, and then want to to start a relationship, and he's put up with it for a whole year, I promise you someone who wants something from you and just wants to bang would not put up with you for this long, so get it together and give him your best, or let him find someone who will, I say that a bit harsh in the hopes it gives you the push you need one way or the other, but for real, mixed messages hurt when you really care

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaeirsi wrote

This is honestly the best advice I’ve gotten on these comments. Thank you. I want to work on myself but the fears hurt so much. I genuinely want him to be happy. I’m going to reflect on your advice. Thank you

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JellyfishGod t1_jaeh65e wrote

What are u asking? It sounds like ur the only thing stopping a relationship. What exactly does “pushing him away” even mean? I won’t lie this sounds kinda toxic for him. U should choose either u wanna be with him or u don’t and go from there. I mean it’s been p damn long

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaehbp4 wrote

I find reasons why I shouldn’t be with him. I’ve genuinely said my actions towards him come across toxic and I need to work on myself

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dtorre t1_jaegtb2 wrote

you are sabotaging any potential relationship with this man. Labels exist for a reason.

he stated that he wants to be married with kids in two years. If you’re not going to show commitment, he’s probably going to find a partner who will.

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dollyviciousx t1_jaehkgk wrote

Please describe what you mean by pushing away? Because tbf, if he wanted to commit he would.

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaehw8t wrote

Because I feel so scared of him non-commitment I start finding reasons why we shouldn’t be together

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dollyviciousx t1_jaekb18 wrote

Honestly that is a pretty normal response to lack of commitment. He sounds like he’s playing games and leading you on tbh.

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VanMan32 t1_jaegrcv wrote

> I have pushed him away a bunch due to childhood trauma creating it difficult for me to feel safe with trust in relationships.

What exactly happens though when you push him away?

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaegxmp wrote

I find reasons why we wouldn’t work out

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VanMan32 t1_jaehnm4 wrote

Then I am sorry, but if I was the guy, I wouldn't stick around unless they are trying to get help. Are you seeing a professional about your trauma?

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaei2da wrote

I’ve tried to get professional help but I live with my trauma abuser. When I try to pull away he threatens to call the police on that person. He’s the first person I’ve told of the stuff going on at home

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tickleyourfanny t1_jaeh8l0 wrote

>I have pushed him away a bunch due to childhood trauma creating it difficult for me to feel safe with trust in relationships.

how about you work on yourself for awhile? you have to accept you are in a situation ship of your own making.

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaehdrj wrote

Work on myself by myself?

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tickleyourfanny t1_jaeho7g wrote

I hear they have things called 'therapists' that can help..might just be a rumor though. I hear they can help with all this past trauma. again, might just be a rumor generated by social media

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaei71c wrote

I live with my abuser and have seemed professional help. On top of that due to my means; I have no way to leave my current living situation. I’m surviving currently.

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tickleyourfanny t1_jaeis5h wrote

get a jobby job and move out..Certainly sounds you have more problems than just some other guy, you are pushing away, that you need to focus on first.

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beautyandrage25 OP t1_jaejcay wrote

Working on it. My abuser put me 10k in debt, micromanages my life, and so on. The first out I find I’m going to take.

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