My (34M) partner (33F) cannot identify feeling or communicate needs, but feels resentful that they aren't met

Submitted by HiCommaJoel t3_126sld8 in relationship_advice

We're both therapists, which is and isn't an important detail. I tend towards REBT (owning feelings, challenging shoulds and oughts) while she tends to be more into the concrete and actionable goals of CBT.

I am a white CIS male, she is a black CIS female. There are cultural differences influencing this, certainly.

We've been together for 6 years.

She often expresses how she is unable to identify what she is thinking or feeling most times. It was not something valued in her family - her role was caretaker and giver, I highlight this because it she frequently falls back on this label. She has said how, since birth, she has had to intuitively determine what all those around her need and give it to them - resentment builds when this does not come back in kind.

I have stressed myself out tremendously trying to intuit her needs and give them to her unprompted. I have expressed how profoundly difficult it is without any direction and only past mistakes to go off of. I will directly ask "what do you need right now", I will do things she has done to me back, etc. I participate in the household workload - dishes, laundry, making meals, etc.

I get nothing when I ask what she needs, what would make her happy, what is something fun we could do etc. If I don't ask and just do, she will usually say something like "sure, lets play a game so you can feel like you're doing something fun with me, I don't want you to feel like you can't help." Or, most hurtful, if I ask "what does support look like for you?" she will say "I don't know, I'll make you list. Ok? I'll make you list so you can know." It feels very dismissive, and I find myself pulling away.

She has no boundaries when it comes to giving. Her job loves it, happy to pile on more work and leave her working 12+ hour days most days. Her family loves it, happy to dump all their issues on to the family therapist. Her friends seem unaware of this side of her, she isolates when she's stressed and doesn't communicate negatives with them, always remaining positive.

I cannot form her boundaries for her. I cannot find them. She is unable to communicate them. And, after a few weeks or months, she explodes into extreme anger and articulates very well all of her resentments and needs. She also kicks things, throws things, and has punched several holes in walls and tables.

She is in therapy. Her therapist is also a black CIS female, and in my opinion she validates and affirms what I feel is a toxic giving. She has worked on her anger, she used to blackout and say some pretty heinous things in the past which has stopped, she can remain and listen or walk away before it reaches a breaking point - but much of the rest remains. Last night I brought up how I feel I have to hide my unmet needs from her, because she will destroy herself trying to give and give, and she said I was the issue. I was a Taker, I benefit from her giving, the onus is on me to reject her giving and that she never had to communicate her needs to her family because they just knew and gave.

I am not her family, I am her partner. I do not like making assumptions. This is not just "oh it's 6pm and she had a stressful day, I'll make her favorite meal without asking", this is her sitting on the bed, silent, answering "I'm fine. It's fine. I'm fine" for weeks at a time until an explosion.

She will not attend couples counseling because she "doesn't need a stranger speaking like they know our business." Again, we are both practicing psychotherapists...so this response is odd.

TL;DR How do I effectively meet the needs of and communicate with a Giver who is unable to articulate their needs and expects them to be met without communicating?

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CrystalQueen3000 t1_jealsc3 wrote

Short answer: You can’t

And I think your frustration comes from knowing that. She’s unwilling to communicate and unwilling to work on your issues in couples therapy.

At what point will it become a dealbreaker for you?

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HiCommaJoel OP t1_jeamuc5 wrote

That's fair.I am holding out hope that there is something I am doing wrong or could do differently. Or that, if I am patient, the behavior will change. The lack of communication which causes the lack of boundaries doesn't cause issues only between us, but in her whole life. The 12 hour job and demanding family are only two examples.

Your question is a good one, and very difficult to sit with. I appreciate it though.

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mercifulalien t1_jeamvu9 wrote

>How do I effectively meet the needs of and communicate with a Giver who is unable to articulate their needs and expects them to be met without communicating?

Now, I'm no psychotherapist, but even I know you can't do that, especially when the things you do attempt to do without any prompting or feedback are never enough.

I fail to see how you're nothing but a "taker" when you've made innumerable attempts at giving what you think she may need, asking what she needs and even suggesting counseling to try to break the communication barrier. Sounds like a classic way to lay all the blame of her shortcomings in the relationship on you so she can avoid having to address her own issues. Either that, or she's upset you aren't a mind reader - which I don't think I need to point out is a totally unrealistic expectation.

Honestly, this just sounds toxic. She is setting you up to "fail", letting it go on for months and then exploding on you. Rinse and repeat. I am thinking she may not really be in the best place to be in a relationship.

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HiCommaJoel OP t1_jeanl10 wrote

I appreciate your directness.
I realize in reading it that I am hoping for someone to call me on my BS and tell me directly what I could do differently or what I am not seeing.

I realize also that's something I have internalized over the last 6 years - it's me, all I have control over is me, I can do better. I am grasping for what that is, though.

Maybe it is in vain.

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mercifulalien t1_jeatpp9 wrote

>I realize in reading it that I am hoping for someone to call me on my BS and tell me directly what I could do differently or what I am not seeing.

That’s understandable. You've invested a lot of yourself into a 6 year relationship and you're hoping someone will see something you aren't so that you can be given something to fix or a way to fix it because your only options at this point are to live with it or accept defeat.

This is a her problem, though, and not something you can fix for her.

It's really unfair for you to be made the scapegoat of her lack of boundaries and inability to communicate, to be made to feel as if you are doing something wrong because she has an unrealistic expectation of you being able to simply sense what she wants/needs and act accordingly with absolutely zero input from her. It's too much to ask for her to put the responsibility of her boundaries on to you. Not just respecting a well-communicated boundary, but formulating and enforcing them for her. It's not fair to you that your attempts at connecting with her are practically dismissed with an implication that meeting you at that halfway point is on par with humouring a toddler helping to "wash the dishes" (you know you'll end up with more of a mess than what you began with and probably a broken dish, but its cute that they wanted to try).

If she can't or refuses to communicate and also refuses to accept the suggestion of help in learning how to do so in your relationship, while simultaneously lowkey laying all the blame and responsibility of that on you... I don't see any of this changing. You'll get burned out trying to shoulder the whole relationship, if you haven't already.

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HiCommaJoel OP t1_jeav1gr wrote

> on par with humouring a toddler helping to "wash the dishes" (you know you'll end up with more of a mess than what you began with and probably a broken dish, but its cute that they wanted to try).

This really hits home. My Mom was exactly that way - "you can help by getting out of the way", so it is triggering.

Funny how people can find relationships that recreate dynamics like that.

I appreciate you and your reply, plenty to think on.

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nothanksandthensome t1_jeccu7f wrote

Since you're both practicing psychotherapists, maybe you can appreciate this trope:

Nobody sets out to become a therapist if they don't already have issues themselves that they are looking to gain insight into!

Even if you don't appreciate the trope, it doesn't just come out of nowhere. Several studies have shown that a large percentage of psychologists, for example, are indeed suffering from mental disorders themselves, and other studies have shown the importance of therapy for therapists.

I can kind of understand why you probably feel tempted to expect more from your girlfriend given your shared line of work, but no amount of studying the human psyche or practicing related subjects is going to render someone immune from personal trauma, poor communications skills and whatever else.

You're asking questions you basically already know the answer to in the hopes of a 'Hail Mary' because you love her and don't want to part ways with her, but you already know you can't possibly effectively meet the needs of someone who just isn't able to identify their needs or communicate them.

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