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tinny36 t1_iujdwdw wrote

Reply to comment by Capricondor in My wife (F 30) started talking with a therapist and wasn't ready to tell me (M 29). She lied about what she was doing and I dug in. Now she's mad that I didn't trust her but I'm mad she lied to me. by [deleted]

So...first off give her some space for calling it a 'lie'. Approach it with 'look, I want to talk this out, I love you, and we need to sort this through.'

I got angry because I could tell you were not telling me the truth about the therapist. Seeing a therapist is not something you need to keep from me, I support it (if you do?) so I just want to understand why you felt you had to hide it?

Then, be open to what she says. If she says she thought you'd flip out, tell her you're sorry you gave that impression to her and reassure her how you feel about it. I mean...DO you support her seeing a therapist? Ask her if she kept it a secret because she didn't want to answer questions about why? Do you KNOW why she's seeing someone? Might there be relationship problems? Anyway...be open to listening, if someone is seekign therapy that is ALWAYS a good thing, and be supportive, apologize if you gave any notion that you'd flip out...and while you're at it, apologize for going off the deep end about it. Yes, she held that back from you, but it's not a lie like I'm going on a business trip but instead I went to vegas with friends. She did it for a reason, the issue here is finding out the reason and making it so she doesn't feel she has to lie to you about therapy.

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Capricondor t1_iujeskb wrote

First of all, her seeing a therapist is something I have wanted for her for years but never new how to tell her without it offending her. So I support this 100%! Especially now with a new emotionally taxing job as an ER Veterinarian its super important. My worst nightmare is relationship problems and I don't believe that is the case.

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Am I the asshole for feeling betrayed and lied to? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion from my angle? Maybe I'm hurt because I've wanted to get a therapist for the last 6 months but haven't felt financially stable enough. Maybe this is all on me?

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tinny36 t1_iujhzj9 wrote

Again, stop saying it's this big 'lie' and that she 'betrayed' you. I mean, you said you have wanted her to see a therapist for years and never told her. Isn't that kind of a betrayal? As for her not being honest with you, sometimes therapy is something people want to keep private so focus on this being a chance to be more open with each other and how great it is to want to grow and seek help.

If you want to seek therapy, please do it for yourself, there are often some free outlets for you to at least get an initial few sessions like through workplace benefits, etc. But don't hold it against your gf that she has done this for herself...you can't resent her for doing something you wish you could, but haven't.

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sxfrklarret t1_iujocn3 wrote

YES, YES YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE!

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Capricondor t1_iuk31un wrote

I appreciate you being mature about this and taking the time to explain your point of view. As this is a serious issue and I take this very seriously it means a lot to me.

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