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MsBuzzkillington83 t1_iujbp92 wrote

Why tf is she so damn defensive?

A) I don't think u did anything wrong

B) what did u do to not "trust her", asking for clarification is not a trust issue

C) it sounds like she's trying to manipulate u to distract from the fact she's doing something she doesn't want u to know about, why is therapy so bad unless she's discussing separating with u

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Capricondor t1_iujdd0o wrote

She is a very private person and the biggest barrier we have in our relationship is her personal walls. She is very proud and very smart and her getting a therapist may feel like a weakness to her at this point. If it was just within a few days it would be ok from all angles for her to take a little time to let me know about it.

B) She made it seem like me questioning her a second time and telling her I was concerned with the defensive reaction I was mistrusting her. Also continuing to be concerned about it shows I don't trust her (?).

C) This is my worst nightmare and the reason I want to make sure to discuss this right away! That being said, she has recently (3mo) taken a job as an ER Veterinarian. There are many emotional hurdles to the position and her getting a therapist is well within normal expectation.

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MsBuzzkillington83 t1_iujemcu wrote

A defensive reaction is always suspicious

Can u speak to her in a way like "okay I believe u aren't cheating but I do believe there's something wrong because people that don't have something to hide don't get defensive about nothing, if it's embarrassing, it's okay, I'm just curious because it seems like a pretty big deal"

Don't feel bad, u did nothing wrong

Is there something that she might be discussing that she'd be self conscious about?

Like, I don't really think she's totally cheating either but she's definitely hiding something

Ask reddit for chat website interfaces to see if u find anything that looks familiar maybe, if she won't tell u more

Like she doesn't have to give a ton of detail but she should be able to provide an answer that makes sense

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sxfrklarret t1_iujo6df wrote

Yes, he did do something wrong. He didn't trust his wife, that is wrong. The tool she was using could be the portal the therapists use to communicate. But hey way to go straight to the cheating zone, stupid.

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MsBuzzkillington83 t1_iujqw2c wrote

Well I see u didn't read the comments I made after, I said she's hiding something, I was thinking seeing the therapist about her leaving him

Unless he was accusing her, he did nothing wrong

As far as I gathered, he asked her twice, both of the times she acted suspicious.

OP explained her personality and after that u suspect she just thinks therapy is a weakness or embarrassment

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sxfrklarret t1_iujs8qb wrote

If he is this mistrusting in his wife he needs to leave her. But not because of her but him. He is one the reddit man babies who makes it all about him and his insecurities. Being defensive is NOT suspicious it is being defensive for a reason. He has a poor relationship due to his insecurities so he needs to pack and go if he does not trust her.

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MsBuzzkillington83 t1_iujevdx wrote

Oh sorry, saw your edit now, fair enough.

Yeah give it time, u can also discuss couples therapy to work around some of those barriers, idk

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Capricondor t1_iujf63t wrote

Honestly I think that would be a great idea. Thank you.

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sxfrklarret t1_iujnsh0 wrote

She didn't gas light you, YOU didn't trust her. It a therapist! didn't you think after you found that out she might be slightly embarrassed and hasn't been strong enough to talk about it yet? But then you come on here wanting to told you were in the right, you weren't you were/are wrong

I couldn't care less what apps my wife uses to chat with others and never ask not about the app or who she is talking to. If she wants me to know she will tell me.

If I had so little trust in my SO like most men on Reddit I would get divorced and never be with anyone ever again.

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Lord_Swaglington_III t1_iujqq6b wrote

Why is he to blame for not trusting her when she did lie to him? Isn’t that when you shouldn’t trust someone? He should apologize for her being a bad liar?

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misterk2020 t1_iuji993 wrote

I don think you did anything wrong. She should apologize to you.

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Jay7488 t1_iujiars wrote

Did you actually see the chat and you know for sure it's a therapist? Or are you just going on what she said?

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Capricondor t1_iuk3scr wrote

No I have not. But again I trust her and I have no reason to believe that she would lie to me about that. My biggest issue is I couldn't come up with any reason that she would be hiding who she was talking to from me.

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Jay7488 t1_iuk4sjz wrote

But you didn't believe that she'd lie to you in the first place. How do you know that you can trust her?

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Capricondor t1_iuk7k5h wrote

Because I trust her. She would only lie to me with good reason and I have been given no reason to believe that she would lie about that. Also I was aware in advance of her current job having a high % of mental health issues and therapists being provided through work so it is a very believable scenario. No reason to not trust her. Just didn't understand or appreciate her lying to me.

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sxfrklarret t1_iujs5kg wrote

If he is this mistrusting in his wife he needs to leave her. But not because of her but him. He is one the reddit man babies who makes it all about him and his insecurities. Being defensive is NOT suspicious it is being defensive for a reason. He has a poor relationship due to his insecurities so he needs to pack and go if he does not trust her.

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Capricondor t1_iuk3nfi wrote

Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate you trying to help me in my goal of strengthening my relationship with my wife. As I said I do trust her, but I feel as tho she lied to me. How am do you respond when someone you trust lies to you?

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tinny36 t1_iujbnu7 wrote

I can understand that you are concerned, but even though you say you trust her, you don't. And maybe she thought if she said 'it's private, so can you please trust me and respect my privacy' that you wouldn't understand. Yes, her 'friend' response made you suspicious but she should be able to say 'it's private' and have you be ok with that.

I hope it works out, but please talk to her and let her know it's ok that she has private things in her life, and to come up with an agreed upon way to communicating that to each other.

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Capricondor t1_iujcx8p wrote

Thank you. Thank you. That's my concern. She could have just told me "its private we can talk about it later" and I would have happily respected that because I trust her. The mistrusting came in because of the obvious and repeated lie.

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tinny36 t1_iujdwdw wrote

So...first off give her some space for calling it a 'lie'. Approach it with 'look, I want to talk this out, I love you, and we need to sort this through.'

I got angry because I could tell you were not telling me the truth about the therapist. Seeing a therapist is not something you need to keep from me, I support it (if you do?) so I just want to understand why you felt you had to hide it?

Then, be open to what she says. If she says she thought you'd flip out, tell her you're sorry you gave that impression to her and reassure her how you feel about it. I mean...DO you support her seeing a therapist? Ask her if she kept it a secret because she didn't want to answer questions about why? Do you KNOW why she's seeing someone? Might there be relationship problems? Anyway...be open to listening, if someone is seekign therapy that is ALWAYS a good thing, and be supportive, apologize if you gave any notion that you'd flip out...and while you're at it, apologize for going off the deep end about it. Yes, she held that back from you, but it's not a lie like I'm going on a business trip but instead I went to vegas with friends. She did it for a reason, the issue here is finding out the reason and making it so she doesn't feel she has to lie to you about therapy.

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Capricondor t1_iujeskb wrote

First of all, her seeing a therapist is something I have wanted for her for years but never new how to tell her without it offending her. So I support this 100%! Especially now with a new emotionally taxing job as an ER Veterinarian its super important. My worst nightmare is relationship problems and I don't believe that is the case.

​

Am I the asshole for feeling betrayed and lied to? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion from my angle? Maybe I'm hurt because I've wanted to get a therapist for the last 6 months but haven't felt financially stable enough. Maybe this is all on me?

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tinny36 t1_iujhzj9 wrote

Again, stop saying it's this big 'lie' and that she 'betrayed' you. I mean, you said you have wanted her to see a therapist for years and never told her. Isn't that kind of a betrayal? As for her not being honest with you, sometimes therapy is something people want to keep private so focus on this being a chance to be more open with each other and how great it is to want to grow and seek help.

If you want to seek therapy, please do it for yourself, there are often some free outlets for you to at least get an initial few sessions like through workplace benefits, etc. But don't hold it against your gf that she has done this for herself...you can't resent her for doing something you wish you could, but haven't.

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sxfrklarret t1_iujocn3 wrote

YES, YES YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE!

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Capricondor t1_iuk31un wrote

I appreciate you being mature about this and taking the time to explain your point of view. As this is a serious issue and I take this very seriously it means a lot to me.

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diagnosedwolf t1_iujev2m wrote

But she didn’t want to talk about it later. She didn’t want to talk about it at all. She wanted “it’s private” to be enough.

You thought “it’s private” meant that she was cheating on you. That’s why she’s hurt.

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Capricondor t1_iujfeq3 wrote

She didn't say it's private. She got defensive and said "just friends". If she had just said it's private I would have let it be because I trust her. But because she got defensive and lied my spidey senses went off.

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