Do I marry him? 5 years later and I (28F) am still unsure.

Submitted by throwaway1946284 t3_z8p2ck in relationship_advice

I remember the exact moment I started having doubts. For my birthday, only a little over a year into dating my boyfriend (29F), he surprised me with a pet. Mind you, we moved in together only 6 months prior (yes everything moved rather fast). As excited as I was, I was immediately burdened by the feeling of being stuck in the relationship. After that day, it was as if I had stepped onto the rollercoaster of questioning and doubt.

Why didn’t I leave then? Because he is an amazing parter and I would be an absolute fool to leave. And like any rollercoaster there are ups (no doubt/periods of contentment) and downs (doubt/questioning). The times of certainty of the relationship has kept me strapped into this ride. But after 5 years….why do I not feel 100% certain I want to marry him?

The doubts have grown worse/more frequent since moving to a new city while I attend graduate school. It’s been very hard on the relationship.

Despite him being a great boyfriend to me, I feel like there are things that might cause this doubt or things that bother me:

-He values making over 6 figures by age 30 but doesn’t really do much to change his career. He applies to jobs but nothing he is interested in. Just does it to make a little bit more money. He is ALWAYS talking about a different job he applied for or is interested in. After 5 years, I have major whiplash. I also wish he didn’t value a “figure” more than he values doing something he would be fulfilled by (although I know that’s not realistic for everyone). I just can’t help but think about how I don’t want my future children to choose misery for a dollar sign. -I also long for more adventure with him. He would be totally fine staying in the house every weekend and watching shows. -I wish I had deeper conversation with him. -sex life has been in the toilet since we got our pet mentioned above. Attraction has dwindled and I have no desire for sex anymore.

There is much more to it, these are just the highlights. And with every con to him, there are several pros.

I’m just confused and wish I had more clarity.

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Smokedealers84 t1_iycixl2 wrote

What are the pros all you did is listing the cons.

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iycjc7a wrote

I thought it would be too long but here are some pros:

-he is intelligent -we have similar world views -he has a great sense of humor and knows how to make me laugh -he is clean -he is an amazing cook and loves making me meals -he is responsible -I feel taken care of by him -his family is great and adores me -he has a great group of friends that I get along with -he has been incredibly supportive with my own career goals

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Smokedealers84 t1_iycjiqq wrote

I guess it's up to you to figure which pros or cons are more important and maybe try to communicate and fix the worst cons.

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BruceShark88 t1_iycl6y8 wrote

Youre not confused.

You want to leave but have already classified yourself as “an absolute fool” if you do.

People end relationships all the time, why cant you? Your post is filled with criticisms of him and things you dont like but please know You are CHOOSING to stay with him.

We cant change anyone else. You are choosing to stay in a relationship that isnt working anymore…for what? “To keep up appearances”?

Dont take our word for any of this, its been 5 years, you have plenty of material to take and go discuss all this with a therapist and see what they have to say.

Best to you🧡

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iyckf4v wrote

Yes. We have communicated about all of this before. And I believe that the cons can be overcome. I just have doubts still. That’s the main issue I wrestle with

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My_2Cents_666 t1_iyclfxb wrote

Maybe try therapy? Either individual or couples. You need to unpack what’s going on with your sex life. You two are way too young to have no sex life.

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My_2Cents_666 t1_iycmifn wrote

I ask because if he’s just not willing then he’s telling you that your relationship is not worth the investment. If that’s the case, it’s probably time to move on.

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iyclx8t wrote

I’m currently in therapy now (super cheap because I’m in grad school). It’s not very effective at the moment. I have expressed that I want to go to a sex therapist or couples therapy when we get into arguments regarding our sex life but he is not willing to pay for that right now.

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My_2Cents_666 t1_iycm3y6 wrote

Not willing or can’t afford it?

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iycmkvb wrote

I would say not willing but using the excuse of our very limited budget right now. He spends money on other things so I know it can be done.

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My_2Cents_666 t1_iycm7nm wrote

I would get another therapist.

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iycmp88 wrote

Yeah I agree. I’m currently on a waitlist for a sec therapist in my town. It’s been almost a year and she still has not opening. I’m also on a tight budget with school so my options are quite limited.

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Better_Addition_2872 t1_iycmvl1 wrote

The key to resolving any issue is through communication... Open your heart out, and let him hear your insecurities regarding your relationship. Maybe he's just aloof about all these issues you face. At the end of the day it's only for you to decide whether to stay or let go. You had doubts about the relationship, 2 years in, and now you're 5 years into the relationship. Don't try to stretch it out further. This is the most important conversation which would make or break your relation.

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throwaway1946284 OP t1_iycnqzp wrote

I agree! We have had an extremely in depth conversation along with several other conversations through regarding everything in this post and more. At times, it has temporarily helped and then at times it makes things worse. This is all on me because I’m the one in the relationship with all the doubt. I ask him if there is anything that I do that makes him question and he has not one thing to say. It is seemingly perfect apart from our sex life in his perspective.

I would love to have a third party present (like a therapist) to be there for these conversation because there is never any lasting resolve

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davidmacku t1_iye6yh7 wrote

Woman staying in relationship for five years in their most fertile periods. Teach each other better skills on selecting men and knowing when to leave relationships with no future potential.

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Snoo59694 t1_iyco3ma wrote

There's no clarity. Every person is flawed. If you quit him, the next guy will come with a different set of issues.

This is the paradox of choice. For men and women, we open social or dating app and see thousands of faces. We think to ourselves, there must be someone better. So we look for the mythical "the one", the 100%, instead of a partner you are 90% happy with. This is the paradox of choice. 50 yrs ago, he would have been an amazing partner that you would have gladly spent a lifetime with. Today, you are questioning if someone better is out there and thus making yourself unhappy.

It's ultimately your life, your call.

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