I (29F) am dating a guy (29M) that has a peculiar relationship with his EX - what's your perspective?

Submitted by canyouaskfirst t3_10q72c4 in relationship_advice

As per the title, I’m (29F) dating a (29M) who has come out of a 6 year relationship with his ex (38F). I get along great with him and we have so much in common but… I am not comfortable with his current relationship with his ex.

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Some examples of this:

- He says they are best friends and they talk to their therapist about each other still.

- They have pics of each other private and publicly on social media where they present as a couple. He doesn’t delete them because it was 6 years of his life that he doesn’t want to erase or delete.

- They have long calls all the time where they have really intimate conversations like: she currently is having a baby with another person and is having relationship issues.

- Her current partner she’s having a baby with has an issue with them being in contact so often, yet they still continue.

- He constantly talks about her and has offered to show me a picture of her, calling her gorgeous.

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I’m not against having a friendly relationship with exes but this seems a bit too much! I confronted him about it (without requesting or demanding anything) but he called me immature. He also said that other women do not have an issue with this and that this is unique to me.

I really want to hear your perspective if you were in my shoes and how you would handle this. Am I really being unreasonable with this discomfort? Is this a healthy relationship to have with one's ex?

P.S. I understand this is ultimately my choice to accept or not and that boundaries are subjective. I get there are no universal sets of rules - I just want to hear your differing perspectives. I understand you can't make demands or change people.

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nothanksandthensome t1_j6oelp1 wrote

To me, it sounds plainly like he is just not over his ex-girlfriend.

The fact that he calls you immature just for bringing it up and uses phrasing such as "other women don't have an issue with it" suggests that he is the one being immature here.

What "other women"? Why do these other women's feelings seemingly take precedence over yours, the person he is currently dating? And if you're the only woman in his whole vicinity to question his interactions with his ex-girlfriend, why isn't he dating one of those other women instead?

I'm not at all suggesting that he has any specific women in mind, but people who use this line of argument are usually people who are in the wrong and can't think of anything better to say. If it were me, I would think I deserve more than to be compared to a bunch of unspecified women who probably don't exist and whose opinions anyway have no relevance.

Edit: missing word

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canyouaskfirst OP t1_j6oukmz wrote

Thank you so much for your thorough response. I really appreciate it.

I guess we were both on dating websites and talked about who we were dating while we were also dating each other. I do agree though that if there are people out there that he aligns on this matter, he should be with them rather than choosing to be with me and complaining. I agree that it is an unnecessary comparison and a way to distract from my feelings.

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nothanksandthensome t1_j6p2j5z wrote

It's absolutely a way to distract you from your feelings.

Again, I really don't believe your boyfriend is thinking of anyone in particular when he says "other women don't have an issue with it". It's just an excuse he throws out there to feel more justified in continuing his inappropriate behaviour. It's like when a man is called out for cat-calling and claims "none of the other women I yelled inappropriate things at ever complained to me about it".

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hollsberry t1_j6ofcmd wrote

That’s not normal, and you already have confirmation that his exes partner is also uncomfortable with their relationship. I understand it’s painful to grieve a relationship, but you have to to give 100% of a relationship to your next partner. While they are no longer an official couple, and the physical part of their relationship is over, I would argue that their behavior indicates that they are unwilling to end the emotional part of their relationship. I feel comfortable saying that most people would be uncomfortable with their partner engaging in the emotional part of a relationship (ie, emotional support, emotional intimacy) with their ex. Typically, YOU would be the one your partner would rely on and you would rely on him. Also, homeboy has been out of the dating game for years, who is he to say what “most women” are comfortable with? Many women would consider his behavior an emotional affair.

Personally, I have a boundary in my relationship that we do not tell each other that we find others attractive. Obviously, others can be objectively attractive, but what purpose does it serve to tell your partner? We also have a boundary that we do not keep in contact with our exes, not because they’re evil, but because we want to rely on each other and focus on our relationship. I believe that you need to have a conversation with your partner about boundaries. The boundaries that you are expressing are NORMAL and reasonable. I personally would also have a conversation about the use of an insult (ie, calling you immature) while discussing boundaries.

Next, I understand that his ex is experiencing relationship troubles and needs advice and support, but I do not see a reason why your boyfriend is appropriate, especially considering that he is creating a problem in her relationship. A therapist is far more appropriate for her to be speaking to:

Ultimately, I personally view relationships as partnerships and as a team to build a life together. I looked for a partner who had the same view. I believe that it is reasonable. I feel from your post that you are second guessing yourself and doubting your boundaries, but they are also extremely reasonable. While he is hesitant to move past his ex, he is also depriving you of being YOUR partner. Breakups are painful, but you lean learn what you did right or wrong and apply that to your next relationship. You don’t have to “erase or delete” a part of your life, but you do have to move past and accept that it is over. Also, on most social media, there are ways to archive posts so they’re not deleted but are no longer public ally available.

Overall, I think you’re extremely reasonable and acting mature throughout this whole experience. I just wouldn’t change yourself over him.

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canyouaskfirst OP t1_j6ovaun wrote

>Ultimately, I personally view relationships as partnerships and as a team to build a life together. I looked for a partner who had the same view. I believe that it is reasonable. I feel from your post that you are second guessing yourself and doubting your boundaries, but they are also extremely reasonable. While he is hesitant to move past his ex, he is also depriving you of being YOUR partner. Breakups are painful, but you lean learn what you did right or wrong and apply that to your next relationship. You don’t have to “erase or delete” a part of your life, but you do have to move past and accept that it is over. Also, on most social media, there are ways to archive posts so they’re not deleted but are no longer public ally available.

Omg this is articulated in a away that is :chef's kiss: amazing! Thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling. That's exactly how I feel. This child is not even born yet and I already know too much about the life he is being born into.

He can have personal archives of his ex's photos but if my family or my friends want to follow him, I do not like the fact that they can see him on dates with an EX he talks to and is pretty much discussing personal details on a daily basis.

I like him overall and we aligned on most things but this is making it really hard to get over. Old me would've gotten into a relationship despite seeing red flags, but now I'm getting too old to ignore this.

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