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OurMasterAM t1_jacsl51 wrote

Info, if I may: Why do you think you'd give your daughter a better upbringing than the mother?

I know this is hard since we're emotional beings, but you need to put aside your feelings and truly, genuinely consider what's best for them, not what's best for you. Thinking of yourself and your needs only is what lead to the choice of cheating, and one of the best things you can do is begin to put the needs of others in high importance.

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Acypha t1_jact684 wrote

He says he makes money. That’s probably why.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jactsio wrote

Thank you for your measured response. The reasons I think I can give her a better upbringing are

  1. I can provide for her financially. Her mother would barely scrape by.

  2. Mother would also need to do shift work including night shifts, which is hard for everyone

Whilst her mother is an encyclopaedia of parenting knowledge I have been (by my own estimation) a loving father and although I would need to learn a lot, I could make up a lot of the gap. I can’t replace a mother but I can give her a lot (not just financially) and it wouldn’t be as good as if both wife and I were in the picture but I don’t think she would say it was a bad childhood or lacking in love or care

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Thisisthatguy99 t1_jad06bo wrote

You are forgetting the alimony and child support you will be paying. Upwards of 60% of your 200k income. That leaves mom and daughter $120k a year… plenty to live on.

If you continue to be selfish.. you will fight that. But if you want to do whats right for them, and truly feel guilty for your actions, you won’t.

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RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jad6ura wrote

why did you cheat?

like if you regret this so much- and still dipped your dick in someone(s) else twice why.

you owe it to your wife- and your daughter to BE A BETTER PERSON. not talking about basically taking your daughter from your wife since you make more money. clearly your moral character needs a slap up the head.

why can’t there be shared custody? or alimony and child support?

and even if she took full custody you PAY HER. so she can take care of YOUR child.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad8f4k wrote

Shared custody is 100% out of the picture. My wife is 100% leaving the country. It is out of my control.

I don’t deserve it but I wish I could come to some sort of arrangement but it won’t happen.

I see the future of my daughter as a separate issue to my sins. I will forever regret what I have done but I love my daughter and I would be able to care for her in my country more than I think my wife could in hers, in her particular circumstances

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RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jad93mu wrote

after reading a lot of your comments- you need to let her go- and your children go.

your wife is pregnant- her family im guessing is going to provide the support she deserves that she is not getting from you. send money try and stay in contact with your daughter and be supportive and try and maintain whatever relationship you can with your children as they grow.

actions have consequences.

by you taking the child/children your only punishing your wife further for YOUR actions.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jad9hve wrote

You are right my actions will hurt my wife more. I regret that very much but I am balancing that against the future I think I can provide for my daughter.

It won’t be perfect because of my actions. I wish my wife and I could both be present in her life, but because of me that won’t be possible.

My wife’s family could provide some support but not as much as mine could. All things considered, I think the best environment for my daughter would be with my family

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RealVeterinarian6401 t1_jada18o wrote

No no no no stop being in your own head and thinking like such a dick. seriously wtf. you fucked up. YOU. YOU DID THIS. you can’t undo this- you are STILL being selfish. you will continue to destroy your wife and family if you do this.

please open your eyes before you say anything to your wife. do not be so selfish.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jadb1xx wrote

I think im putting my daughters needs above my wife’s.

I know it benefits me personally also but that is not my intention (I know you will not believe me).

I hate what im putting my wife through. She definitely does not deserve any of it. I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t

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BeckyW77 t1_jaecs1l wrote

No, you don't, not really. You are putting your feelings first so once again, you are sacrificing your soon-to-be-ex wife's EVERYTHING you have done and plan to do is ruining your wife. You're just finding pretty rationales to dress it up.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaekufh wrote

I’m doing what I think is best for my daughters future. I hate that it’s not aligned with what wife wants and it will hurt her.

I am already the asshole. I can only try and do what I think is best for my daughter

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BeckyW77 t1_jaecic6 wrote

Dude. You only want to keep your daughter because you're afraid you will miss her. And that's on YOU...for cheating against your wife. Saying your country is better and that you have more money is just you putting your own self-interest first, because it is more important for a parent to be loving and have a close bond. And even with all this vaunted love you have for your daughter, you still blew up your marriage because you had to scratch an itch. You are, RIGHT NOW, unfit to be a decent father.

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BeckyW77 t1_jaec2bc wrote

How many diapers have you changed? How many times have you read to your child? How many times have you fed her? How many hours of any given week have you thought about her? How many times have you actually played with her? Is it even as much as you boinking some other woman?

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaelku3 wrote

I change nappies, do playtime, read multiple books to my baby every day. Nobody could accuse me of not doing enough for my daughter.

Bonking the other woman has happened twice only, and that’s the honest truth even if nobody believes me. It doesn’t make it better or excusable in any way and I won’t be believed but I can only tell my truth. There’s no point lying to look good to a bunch of strangers

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OurMasterAM t1_jacuqf3 wrote

Question: Would you not provide money if she moved? Even though she'll be in a different country, you could still send money to her online (I would get it clarified she'd be ok with this first - sending it unprompted would suck). That way you could help provide financially while still putting their needs first.

Of course, I don't know you, and so anything I say will be built on presumptions. But if you cheated twice, that sounds like poor impulse control, and perhaps a lack of emotional maturity. I feel like your daughter should live with the parent who'd best raise her, and it sounds to be her mother - by your own admission, she has a stronger bond with her mother.

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Odd_Ad_5639 OP t1_jaczzsi wrote

I could provide money but it’s not only that. I think my country provides a better environment for children. My sins aside I also think I’d provide her with a loving home.

I know that nobody will ever believe me but I would never make a third mistake. It’s too late for my wife (understandably) but I can only work to improve from here

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