redbucket75 t1_j7o6puh wrote
It's your relationship, you get to decide together what it looks like.
But you looking at arousing media isn't a "boundary" of hers. Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable. This is just a rule she has for you regarding your behavior generally while in a relationship with her. If you're ok with that, cool. If not, talk to her about it.
Relationships have lots of rules. I think this one is stupid but it's not my relationship.
SUPERSAMMICH6996 t1_j7o79er wrote
I don't think that's necessarily true. If he were to sleep with other people, would that be crossing a boundary or breaking a rule? Either way it seems pretty pedantic.
PennyNoneTheWiser t1_j7oc7xw wrote
Boundaries are set for oneself. “You cant sleep with other people” is a rule. “I won’t stay in this relationship if you sleep with other people” is a personal boundary
SUPERSAMMICH6996 t1_j7qegko wrote
That's still fairly pedantic though.
CavemanSlevy t1_j7s7sac wrote
What is the point of having different words if they don't actually have separate meanings?
SUPERSAMMICH6996 t1_j7sf50a wrote
I meant that in that example, calling it a rule vs a boundary doesn't seemingly make a difference in the outcome. A rule of: 'Cheat and I will leave you', vs a boundary of 'I won't stay in this relationship if you sleep with other people', is effectively exactly the same.
GsTSaien t1_j7s3xy5 wrote
Right, so it was a boundary then... because the result of breaking it was it hurt her and made her uncomfortable.
PennyNoneTheWiser t1_j7scrm9 wrote
Lol no, a boundary in this instance would be “if you look at naked women on instagram I won’t continue this relationship”. You can’t set boundaries for other people to follow, only for yourself. I don’t know the specifics of this relationship and conversation, I was just trying to explain the difference between boundaries and rules as I understand them.
GsTSaien t1_j7s3py6 wrote
No that is definitely a boundary. Looking at women online is definitely a behavior.
You can say you wouldn't agree to this boundary, I wouldn't either, but you can't claim it isn't one.
redbucket75 t1_j7s4o28 wrote
It's just semantics, the difference between a rule and a boundary.
In a relationship I think of crossing someone's person boundaries as how you act towards/with them ("I don't like public affection", "I won't accept you telling me what to wear", etc.)
A rule to me, in a relationship, is behavioral limits one partner puts on another outside of how they are directly treated by their partner. Monogamy is a common rule. No porn, no Netflix cheating, no talking shit about their partner to friends, whatever.
But if you are using a working definition of boundaries that includes rules that's fine. It's not a big deal, and I probably shouldn't have bothered bringing it up.
GsTSaien t1_j7s5sol wrote
Personal boundaries are things like you mentioned, but there are also relationship boundaries. You seem to call those rules, I guess some could be called either, but rule to me implies something is wrong. No cheating is a rule. But a boundary moreso to me feels like "I do not feel comfortable going beyond this" For example, if my partner sleeps with someone else without checking in with me, that break a boundary, and it is cheating. If they talk to me first and I am ok with it, it does not cross a boundary. It is no longer cheating. No cheating is a rule, no problem so far. But cheating is relative to our boundaries.
aussie_nub t1_j7o8st0 wrote
>Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable.
So it's only cheating if she's included, got it.
redbucket75 t1_j7obxin wrote
Monogamy is a pretty common rule in relationships. Seems likely that is a rule both have for each other.
aussie_nub t1_j7ovurx wrote
Yes, I was picking apart the way you said it that suggests cheating is somehow OK because "She's not involved".
For some people, monogamy includes not staring at (semi) naked women for sexual gratification.
redbucket75 t1_j7pauy4 wrote
I didn't say that at all, I was explaining the difference between boundaries and rules.
Most, though not all, romantic relationships have monogamy as a rule.
aussie_nub t1_j7rj8n9 wrote
>Boundaries are behaviors that involve her
No you're right, you never said that.
Since you swear it's different, please explain how looking at scantily clad women in a sexual manner doesn't involve her, but cheating does.
redbucket75 t1_j7rl4px wrote
I didn't say that either. Both are rules for a significant other's behavior while in a relationship, neither are boundary issues.
aussie_nub t1_j7s4vm3 wrote
Which part didn't you say? The bit I quoted from you, or the bit where you suggested that looking at scantily clad women on the internet doesn't count as cheating because the woman isn't involved:
>But you looking at arousing media isn't a "boundary" of hers. Boundaries are behaviors that involve her and make her uncomfortable.
Because you definitely said both.
redbucket75 t1_j7s6183 wrote
I'm going to stop this conversation here, you won the argument. I don't know what the argument was, but you seem intent on winning it. Good job.
aussie_nub t1_j7s87fh wrote
It gets like that sometimes. But you contradicted yourself multiple times, so it needed to be pointed out. Have a good day.
cloudyasshit t1_j7p0bp2 wrote
Those people will be either forever alone or cheated on the whole time.
aussie_nub t1_j7p3qfm wrote
What a load of crap. You understand that some people get married when they share the same values and are both happy with the rules, right? Don't act like one rule fits all, it doesn't.
twochain2 t1_j7pi11g wrote
Well username checks out because you are a nub at reading comprehension. They did not say that AT ALL.
I’m actually amazed that you read their comment and came to the conclusion that they said “it suggests cheating is somehow OK”.
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