TIFU by stuttering during sex

Submitted by clearlyspoken t3_z3krme in tifu

This actually happened in February earlier this year. Throwaway because it’s an embarrassing story I’d like to take to my grave.

My gf at the time (19f) and I (22m) were pretty new at doing the deed, as we had taken each other’s v-cards recently. We both got over the initial hump of nervousness and were really starting to cook things up. As a result, I got more confident and began to throw some dirty talk into the mix. She enjoyed it a lot, which brings us to that one fateful night. We were getting down to business, and I felt completely in the zone. Let me just say that whenever I’m excited/hyped up, I sometimes struggle to get my words out coherently. Because I was so into it, I blurted out, “You like this b-b-big dick?”

THREE B’s, guys. I’ll give you a couple seconds to cringe or laugh; my gf took three minutes to do both before composing herself again. After that, the mood was ultimately killed, and we just laid in bed to cuddle. She continued to laugh her ass off while I remained redder than a strawberry. Our sex life together was still great after that, but she never stopped teasing me about my flubbed dirty talk.

TLDR: I asked, “You like this b-b-big dick?” in the middle of sex. Session ended immediately with her laughter and my shamefulness.

EDIT: I'm not packing in case you were wondering. After doing [(length x diameter) + (weight / girth)] / yaw^2 the best I've got is a Desert Eagle.

EDIT 2: I’m aware that a Desert Eagle is long on a literal basis, but I’m being completely figurative. Nothing true to size about my Johnson here lol

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RandomHero3129 t1_ixm8h2b wrote

This scene is playing out in my head with Jimmy from south park and it's great.

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Mike2220 t1_ixo7sxm wrote

You like this b-b-b-bi.... ..b-b..b... this b-bi-b-bi...b-b-b-b-b

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RavynRydge666 t1_ixmuniy wrote

Exactly what I pictured and now everyone's looking at me and I can't explain why I just busted up laughing lol

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FrisCo58 t1_ixm9g2p wrote

Timmy, but yeah i had his voice in my head too hahaha

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RandomHero3129 t1_ixm9lf5 wrote

Timmy's the one in the wheelchair, Jimmy is the one that stutters. I had to Google it t make sure because I get them mixed up all the time.

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mfiirk t1_ixmhokb wrote

It could be worse, I once stumbled over my words and ended up telling my girlfriend (now wife) “I want you inside of me”.

Was a weird one to try to explain.

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IICoffeyII t1_ixmmf2p wrote

Don't have to hide it, she's your wife. Just tell her you want her to wear a strap on dude. 👍

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mfiirk t1_ixmtb9b wrote

While I wouldn’t exactly call us vanilla, role reversal has never been our thing. But I knew this comment was coming and got the expected chuckle anyway.

Kudos.

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JeffroCakes t1_ixnqn0m wrote

I called mine’s eyes blue instead of brown for some goddamn reason. I was about as flabbergasted as her.

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super_senpai64 t1_ixn1mjy wrote

Reminds me of this one time my wife made me squeal while doing the dirty. Like legit, high pitched squeal. She stopped and looked right at me, confused if that sound came from me. I cleared my throat and gave a corrected grunt “like ohhhhhh yeahhh”. She busted out laughing 😂

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LillithBlackheart918 t1_ixmvic0 wrote

The best part about sex with a partner with whom you have an emotional connection is when something goofy happens and you both have to stop and laugh. Lots of times the sex doesn't continue, but holding each other and laughing is so much better sometimes.

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SendMeSomeBullshit t1_ixmoqfd wrote

I have trouble with my stutter when I get nervous or excited but my timing was a bit different I got stuck on the word cock so what came out was the noise "bawk bawk bawk" before I coild stop myself.

It was probably 15 years ago but it still haunts me.

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dgluv4lf t1_ixmj6or wrote

Was she laughing and the joke of a big D or the stutter?

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clearlyspoken OP t1_ixmjwkd wrote

The stutter 100% but I'm not packing by any means

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nah-knee t1_ixo6ymb wrote

Mate u said your dick was a desert eagle which is is like 11 inches long

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DefenderOfDog t1_ixmuzva wrote

You got a desert eagle for sure. that's some great stopping power.

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SlowCrates t1_ixn6afr wrote

The older you get the more you'll treasure moments like this. My girlfriend will occasionally throw something ridiculous into sex, which we both laugh about until we can't breathe. For instance: I had a cat when we first started dating, who was not fixed. Before she got fixed she would always "present" (that's where a female cat assumes the position), and while doing so let out these agonizingly cute "chirping" sounds. Imagine it as rolling your tongue with increasing pitch, as if asking a question. Years later, we still have the cat, she no longer does that weird shit, and all is well. Until one night, while having sex, my girlfriend perfectly mimicked that chirping sound knowing full well that it would destroy the mood, but make me laugh. I can't remember every time I've had sex with her, but I'll never forget laughing with her that night.

All I'm saying is, you'll be happier if you own it, and laugh with her. :)

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JeffroCakes t1_ixnr41m wrote

This right here. A couple that can laugh with each other during sex is a strong one.

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Twolef t1_ixmk065 wrote

The best thing to do is to laugh, too.

I know that’s easier said than done, but if you can learn to laugh at the accidental stuff (there will be more), you’ll become less inhibited and that’s when the fun really starts.

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Mattzilla93 t1_ixn4yxc wrote

When you say Desert Eagle, is your dick precisely 12.7x33mm? Is it pretty damn big but not the biggest? Or is it decent sized but still not a rifle? That’s a very confusing metaphor. Unless it’s not a metaphor and it is in fact 12.7x33

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SpiritTalker t1_ixm9hdu wrote

B-dee B-dee B-dee that's all, folks! (said your bbb-ig dick)

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bllbong t1_ixmms47 wrote

I actually have a speech impediment and stutter pretty bad, I feel your pain lol no dirty talk for me ever. I wouldn't even attempt it lol

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Son_of_Macha t1_ixn3bqm wrote

You have to start leaning into these laughs and enjoy yourself.

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userhvfegcd t1_ixnx3n8 wrote

bro started glitching 💀

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RexIsAMiiCostume t1_ixoe9n8 wrote

I went to my boyfriend's house and asked if I could dock my switch to charge it. He said "I didn't know we'd be doing THAT so early!" And I was confused. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he told me he googled docking and did not correctly use the term. I love that goofball.

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donttouchmeah t1_ixot3wr wrote

I feel your pain. DH likes dirty talk and my go to phrases are “gimme that d!ck” and “you like my p***y?” and it came out “you like my d!ck?”

So yeah, embarrassing stuff happens.

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Ishidan01 t1_ixmpirq wrote

you all are now imagining Porky Pig porking.

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darren1119 t1_ixmq1vd wrote

Simmmm pleeeee jaaaccckk

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Teem47 t1_ixmt98k wrote

I have a stutter but won't stutter during sex as I take my mask off and don't second guess myself.
I'm guessing you stuttered because you were fairly new to the whole thing and haven't personally said "you like this big dick" a whole lot.

In future, if you do stutter in sex, don't focus on it, just move on and focus on the sex. Focusing on the stutter and making a big deal about it will only make it happen more.

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useless-useless t1_ixmyr0q wrote

“THREE B’s” - this cracked me up 🤣

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emveor t1_ixneii5 wrote

You got your formula wrong here, its not [(length x diameter) + (weight / girth)] / yaw2

You gotta multiply that by Your body weight cubed, or better put B*B*B . Now thats what i call a B B Big dick!!

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wow2400 t1_ixnt9j2 wrote

next time immediately follow up with a “holy fuckkk” or something to play it off 😂

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pattyG80 t1_ixq890b wrote

I'm picturing a delivery like Ben Stiller's "Simple Jack"

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marvin565 t1_ixmumhq wrote

When a girl says "make me laugh", it didn't mean to keep going AFTER she says "yes"... ;)

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undeadeater t1_ixmuw15 wrote

Sir you're using a outdated method for calculating the length of Randy's penis

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_ixn7ox0 wrote

Don’t be embarrassed, you were getting sex!

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Alonest99 t1_ixo9pbw wrote

gif

“Hey Pooh, do you like this b-b-big…”

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ExodusGravemind t1_ixobpeg wrote

Is this what happens when porky pig tries to pork his wife?

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_Marine t1_ixojxjr wrote

Been married 15 years, we took each other's V card. We laugh during sex. I love it

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Banzoola t1_ixolzrs wrote

I don't get it 😅

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epi_glowworm t1_ixp5zi6 wrote

I just came to say that I love that your edit actually led to more discussion. But you forgot to include the pitch in your equation. That's how you miscalculated as a Desert Eagle.

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PracticeAsleep t1_ixpa94r wrote

Sounds to me that you are b b b bad to the bone!!

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whyunoletmepost t1_ixpcw0q wrote

Dude I would definitely lean into this one. Anytime I got a chance I would ask her if she likes my b-b-big (fill in the blank)

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durvtho t1_ixpkurl wrote

I cant stop la-la-laughing. Thank you for sharing this.

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LiterallyWTMF t1_ixpmop0 wrote

Plus the sentence is cringe. At least stuttering it made it funny.

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fizzguy47 t1_ixpsra8 wrote

You should have done it in the Unreal announcer voice

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Renzlo99 t1_ixpt449 wrote

Own it bro. I'm 39m and stuttered since I could talk. Use to get embarrassed by it, but now could care less. People I know joke at me and if it's funny I'll laugh back. If it's not ill say something like "common, that wasn't even clever. 2 thumbs d-d-down."

These are people I know so no biggie. People trying to get under my skin...? Whole dif post.

Sounds like a funny event. Not funny at ur expense just silly. Laugh with her about it. Make other sceneries up like "next time I hope I doesn't happen when I'm telling u I'm about to c-c--cum. Awe... to late."

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ProphetOfPhil t1_ixpykrw wrote

There are all these stories of people laughing during sex and just stopping and not continuing. Idk why you wouldn't just try again after you finish laughing, if you can't laugh during sex what's even the point? XD

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yeeepeeeyyy t1_ixq0ia0 wrote

Too bad I'm packing deringer.

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MSGRiley t1_ixm3v7m wrote

I am told, hand to god, this happened.

Boy and girl who work together. Girl usually goes for tall, in great shape, movie star face, goes for boy who's not really too tall, kind of average, dad bod. He's clueless she likes him and she has to throw the kitchen sink at him to get him to realize she's hot for him.

Finally do the deed. We'll call him Stan, for the purposes of this story.

G: Oh, yeah, put it in me.

B: Here it comes.

G: Oh wow... Stan!?

B: But wait, there's more

Laughter from girl interrupted by more.

Story told from girl perspective to the chorus of "really? Stan? Hmmmm" from other girls.

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LynxKuroneko t1_ixoawe2 wrote

I guess you had to be there.

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Libra_Allyson t1_ixp07t6 wrote

I'm sorry that her first reaction to a stutter was laughter. I get that it sounds funny to a lot of people, but I don't think they realize just how self-conscious it can make a person feel - and laughing usually makes it worse (especially since laughter is one of the biggest things the stuttering person was worried about, and stress can worsen it). I tend to get defensive about such things, as my cousin stuttered and I have known more than a few other people who stutter, as well. Having witnessed the embarrassment, the shyness, the hesitation, the worry over how others will react, etc., I can't bring myself to find it funny. I wouldn't go so far as to call the girlfriend a shitty person, but that reaction was certainly ignorant.

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stineytuls t1_ixotszs wrote

Can we please kill off the phrase "vcard". It's stupid.

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