Did your mom really not know who she married?

I mean she did, but he’s been going to therapy for a bit now and I guess she didn’t realize how bad it still was. Plus I have 2 step-siblings so that kinda complicated things.

😬. That's a tough position to be in, but I wouldn't say you fucked up.

Yeah, I guess this whole time she’s been blaming me and the kids, and I feel pretty shitty that she’s struggling more with it now, even if it is the truth

Based on the description of him, sounds like you did her a solid. Who says that to someone's kid?

Yeah, he’s been around since I was 10 and I just turned 18. I’ve never liked him much and my mom knew as much but she always expected it was more minor that it really was

Well, it sounds like it's time she found out the truth. He doesn't sound like someone you'll want to deal with the rest of your life.

It's alright to empathize, but don't blame yourself for this.

[removed]

Her divorcing him sounds more like a win all around than a fuck up

Don't think you fucked up, you didn't choose your step father but your mother did. If anything this will be a win in a future as your mother has shown her true colours by siding with you her daughter. I wish you all the best and I hope your stepfather finds it deep within his heart to apologize to you.

I'm a stepfather myself and I would never ever treat my wife's son anything BUT my own son. In fact he is my son regardless what anyone says. Stay strong and keep this strong and close connection with your mom and I'm sure itll all work out

Yup.

It's a very clearly abusive step-father, and she seems to have needed the wakeup call on it. Losing a child, emotionally or otherwise, can be incredibly hard. Losing them because your partner is a piece of shit gives you a bright, neon target to channel all that frustration and lights them up as the piece of shit they are.

You didn't fuck up. You cant fuck up by being honest unless you're trying to hurt somebody.

Your mum could have followed up on it and contacted you/your dad, she could have left the guy. There's little fault here other than your stepdad who sounds like a PoS .

You didn't fuck up. Your step-dad did by being an all-around narcissistic, manipulative piece of shit. I empathize with your mother because it can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, but at the end of the day you also have to think about your own safety and future. You shouldn't force yourself to live in an abusive environment because it's more convenient for everyone else.

Hopefully this will be the wake-up call your mother needs. Some people don't change and if he's like this now, think about how he might be 5-10 years down the line. Only a real toxic piece of shit would stop a mother from having a relationship from her own child. I know that moving on is never easy, but sometime being a parent means you have to make difficult sacrifices for the future of your children.

Also you never know. In a few years time she might meet the perfect soulmate. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't respect you or your family.

Sounds like fate brought good fortune through a bad time.

"If the truth kills them, let them die"

Only thing you fucked up was the formatting of this post.

OP, you did not fuck up. Stepdad did.

I hope she does divorce him. Any decent parent puts their children first.

Congratulations to you. He sounds like an arsehole.

How did you fuck up here? You outted a terrible person. Yea, your mom feels bad for not seeing it but come on shes a grown adult, at some point she has to pick up on things on her own.

You didn’t fuck up. You just made your mom see the reality she was clearly avoiding. Please don’t blame yourself. Your parents are meant to protect you, not ignore abusive behavior so that they can continue their relationship with an abuser.

I hope you find healing and peace.

This is no misunderstanding. When I was 13-14 I had a similar experience. My step mom was a horrible person, on many levels. I was supposed to do the weekly switch as well, and I got to the point of finding any reason not to go to their house. Stay at friends, lie and stay at my mom's, whatever I could do.

I am nearly 38 years old. And this still affects me today.

The best thing you can do, is speak your feelings. Get it all out there. Parents are blind to a lot of what kids feel, because kids often have trouble expressing their true emotion and feelings.

Eventually, you will be more powerful than your step-dad.

Don't think, "oh no I ruined my mom's happiness". If he treats the woman's children he supposedly loves the way you say. It might be far worse for her. You telling her what happened, and how you feel might be what she needs to take the blinders off.

Be intelligent, strong, and don't be afraid to do what you need to.

You didn’t fuck up the step father should have been supportive but he was anything but supportive. Good call on leaving!!

you actually did the right thing, never feel bad about it

They’ve been together for 8 years now, it’s not like she doesn’t know how awful he is to us kids. But she doesn’t want to leave because then the kids won’t be taken care of properly, and I guess he has good days when it’s just them.

You didn't TIFU, and your mom is the one who needs to be in counseling. Then she can figure out why she anchored herself to a man like your stepdad, and risked her kids.

No fuck ups here, well... Not on your part anyway. You might benefit from R/raisedbynarcissists

Strange how eerily similar people can be, I have a coworker who was in mostly the same situation. But something I’m more fine pointing out to a stranger is why put so much weight on your mom’s relationship without considering your position? Why wouldn’t your mother take into account her childrens’ feelings? It seems more like she was just lacking information, not that you’ve done anything wrong.