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UWontAgreeWithMe t1_iu2awbk wrote

He's only a few years older than me. I was heavily abused as a young child as well. Their music put a lot of words to feelings. In fact their music is basically him penning the symptoms of PTSD and the feelings of disassociation, grief, guilt, shame and things like that.

I'm almost 40. I'm struggling my ass of with the ramifications of sexual, mental and physical abuse. It's permeated everything. No aspect of my life is untouched by it. I have ruined my life and hurt or disappointed so many fuckin' people because of it. I've lost everything, I'm basically a hermit and trapped in a prison in my mind. I could feel that in their music and when he killed himself, it felt like watching the future. Like in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I wish like hell he didn't do it because yeah, I kinda looked to the music for support or a sense of not being alone but as time ticks on, I understand why he'd do it despite being on top of the world. Why all the money and fame wouldn't undo those feelings.

And I don't want that to be my future but it might be. You run out of treatment. You run out of medications to take that don't do anything. You can't be in therapy daily unless you're rich and have nothing but time. Depending on how young it happens it will hardwire you differently for relationships and other basic, fundamental human experiences. You never feel whole, you never feel clean, you always feel like a monster in your head and it's a fuckin' nightmare. And it's not easy or easier as a man dealing with it. It's hard to find support groups that allow men. It's hard to find support. It's hard to ask for help. I should be calling a goddamn crisis line right now but I can't see how my problems should be seen as equal to others who would need the help more like people who have a chance at steering away from this shitty place. Anything I ever did in this life, not matter what, isn't deserving of this living hell.

I was so fuckin' angry when he died because until then he was a pretty good advertisement for being able to level up to having a decent life and then it turned out not to be true. It was rough then, it's rough tonight.

Goddammit. No one deserves this. It's not fair. It's not right but it's a lot of people's reality. People are fighting hard to make it through each day because someone who is cold and callous, someone who can't even be bothered to remember or feel remorse did this to you because of many absolutely unexcusable reasons. It's one of the most heartbreaking and soul crushing things you can come to realize about this world.

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cgarcusm t1_iu2cpid wrote

Thank you for posting this. I really hope that is not your future. You deserve love, friendship, joy and more just because you are you. You are worth it. Even if you’ve hurt people, you are worth it. The things done that scarred you do not change the fact that you are worth it. You are not alone.

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zzzojka t1_iu2fe9r wrote

I always hated how "go to therapy!" is what everyone slaps like a bandaid onto a pile of ashes that is a ruined person's life. Did they not see all the suiсidеd celebrities with a lot friends, loving families, successful arts, access to best therapy and comfortable rehabs? It's not an exercise you do to inevitably get better. It doesn't always help.

One of the things that got me through was a Stephen Hawking quote, something like "while there is life, there is hope". I'm not sure time helps or therapy helps, but life sometimes helps.

I looked through your profile and I think you're a very likeable funny human. I wish you days that are easy to live through and a good score in kicking kids with a bouncing ball on ice!

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SirFraggles t1_iu6isdt wrote

I feel like people neglect the realization that therapy takes work. It takes years of really hard, emotional, grueling work. And in fact, therapy can take a lot more work than just trying to ignore the thing(s) that are making you miserable. And it has to arrive at the right time. Sometimes it comes too little and too late for the weight and trauma of the things that came before it. Therapy IS the solution, but it has a LOT of caveats.

I say all of this as someone who has been in therapy for nearly a decade now--and it was a really, really close call between which would win: therapy or suicide.

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zzzojka t1_iu6mp5f wrote

I'm glad it helped you, but it's not like that for everyone and isn't a guarantee even with hard work over the years. People who never reached healing they desired did not work less hard that you. Besides years of therapy I have education in psychology.

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Charger525 t1_iu2fu65 wrote

As a child abuse survivor, what you say resonates with me and it hasn’t been til the last few years that I’ve begun to come to terms with that abuse. I get medications and they help as much as I think they can. I see a therapist often to work through my traumas, but I hope in whatever capacity you need, I hope you get the solace you’re needing and looking for. I won’t say it gets better over time because (in my opinion) I’m not sure it does. But I hope you become better equipped to live with it and be the better for it.

If you ever want to vent or talk or shoot the shit or just anything really, message me privately. Sometimes it helps.

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Educational-Leg7464 t1_iu3s31e wrote

Have you tried psychedelics? There are tons of hallucinogens that have profound effects on trauma. Most people suggest micro dosing. But mega dosages are great for resetting the mind

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rpaul9578 OP t1_iu2cbuf wrote

It breaks my heart that due to someone's selfishness and callousness that someone so great with so many gifts to give the world had to suffer so deeply and his life cut short. I want to put it on billboards for people to see the result of SA in people's lives. That it is a very big deal.

While nothing I say is going to take that away for you, please know that you are just as worthy as anyone to call a crisis hotline. You have just as much a chance as anyone to steer yourself out of a crisis.

I have struggled with depression on and off for most of my life and what helped me is educating myself on the things that I was struggling with. Whatever I was feeling I put into the search bar on YouTube and watched videos of people talking about that emotion. I found blogs and YouTube channels that help to educate me on the things that I needed help with like relationships and attachment disorder. I feel like anything that we struggle with can be overcome with wisdom. Perhaps my techniques might help your situation.

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asmraccount939393 t1_iu30kr4 wrote

You should look into psychedelics (guided by someone to help you ideally.) I've never tried it but I've seen people say it healed their childhood trauma somehow.

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SexysPsycho t1_iu4rsa4 wrote

No my friend we dont. I was abused for probably 10 years of my life my multiple people. I struggle everyday with the destruction it has caused. The only reason I havent killed myself is I have to be here for my kids

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rpaul9578 OP t1_iu2f0hq wrote

It looks like I can't message you directly but if you're interested and want to message me, I can share with you some resources that have pulled me out of depression. They have to do with dysfunction around relationships and attachment trauma. Our traumas are different but it could be helpful.

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SharpieBass t1_iu2kc45 wrote

Get some help. You seem like an amazing person that his lots of life left to live!

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Ornery_Tip_8522 t1_iu2mqw5 wrote

I'm sorry to hear this. I am a Reiki healer. I will be happy to help with a distance Reiki session.

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