The one kid was good. Never did anything. The other wouldn't stop kicking the sister. Hence she removed his legs so he couldn't kick. And the daughter wouldn't stop pulling the "good" kid's hair so she removed her arms. Hence, she could no longer pull hair.

She's psychotic and has no motherly instinct. She's a heartless surgeon who is good at her job because she feels no stress or emotion distracting her from operating. She's a psychopath (not because she can operate focused, but because she could mutilate her kids like that. Seeing no problem and only problem fixed).

Watch for the starts of hostility. It wasn't until after the poor kid was beaten by his father that he became...damaged. The thing with that, it could've been brain damage. Or it even could've been effects of the event itself. He forgot his father existing, but the event still happened. His brain knows the event happened. It's trauma. There's just no longer a person to match to that trauma. He probably never went to see a therapist. His innocence was stripped away when he was just old enough to start really remembering.

That's good to know. I didn't know the specific rhyme or reason. Just that they're considered "dirty" animals.

Actually, a lot of areas won't eat pig because pig is considered filthy. Unclean. It's a "dirty" animal.

Also, in Islam I believe it is, they won't eat cow. Why they don't eat cow isn't because of "smart" creatures or anything of that sort. It's because for whatever reason they believe the cow is a holy animal.

Edit: my apologies. Indians don't eat beef. I don't know why I was thinking Muslims. I know better. I've been miserably sick for over a week so my mind was only half right.

Good. True. That doesn't mean that after writing this, something didn't happen, though. 😊 I look forward to your next update. Sounds like those people aren't fond of any outsiders.

Oh. Wow. Hope you're okay, OP.

Aww. Thank you so so so very much for your wonderful reply. I greatly appreciate your response. I am doing much, much better. I have my moments for sure and I get into ruts sometimes. Nothing as extreme as my worst though. The war never seems to be fully over, but I've learned how to deal with the battles when they come up and trudge through the mess. I never want to forget what I went through though when it comes to things like this. That's the blessing I take from my struggle. If I can help others and they know they aren't alone, that they can get through it (even though it's one of the hardest things to get through) then I take my struggles as a blessing. It's hard to help people when you don't understand.

As painful as life is, community is strength. Painful things happen in everyone's lives, and everyone has their own struggles. You have to take the good and bad together when they come. There can be no good without bad, and no bad without good.

What I mean by that is, if every day was a "good" day, nothing ever happened, ever broke down, then we wouldn't view it as a good day. It would just be a day. No happy, no sad, no angry, no anything. It's like when you're working. You look forward to having your days off. But when you're not working, every day is the same and unless you change things up, it's just the same monotony constantly. Good things are already too easily taken for granted.

I'll even use a...very hard thing. Losing a child. Losing a child is painful. Extremely. It's one of the worst nightmares anyone can have. Unfortunately, people do live those nightmares. There are many children who have cancer or die of medical conditions or any number of things. It's an agonizing pain that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. Of course, parents would give anything to have their children back, and I won't diminish their pain in the slightest. The one good thing that can come of that loss (not bringing religion into it) is they can connect and relate to others on a much deeper level. They can help them in their struggles, and they know there are those who understand. So if you can use a bad painful experience to relate to others and help pull them through, then what you struggled through wasn't in vain. Your struggle was for something.

It's taken me a long time to be able find the good things that can come out of the worst of times. We can't control things outside of our control, but using things that have happened to bring about good at least puts meaning in our lives. Even the darkest parts.

Thank you so much for your reply. I greatly appreciate it. I know sometimes my brain just blank screens whenever it's too tired to process things. I try to help how I can because I know the struggle. Better than I would like to. Am I happy that I ever struggled with depression and anxiety? No. Who wants to go through that struggle? But am I thankful for it in its own way? Yes. I am. Because then I can help those who are struggling just the same and don't know which way is up. Then, at least, the struggle wasn't in vain, and I'm making use of my struggles to help others with theirs. I know I don't know you, but for what it's worth, you're a good person. Kind. Caring. Loving and looking to still help others even when you're having a hard time yourself. It takes a lot of strength to get through this, and you're doing a great job. I have faith that you can pull through it all and get things sorted out. That video I linked? That was a big turning point in flipping everything I believed on its head (for the better) and gave me the ability to allow myself to let my guard down. Slowly. Carefully. But it had a big impact and gave me what I needed to be real.

Edit: don't be afraid to just let your body relax. If you can, sit in a sauna, hot tub, bath or even just sit in the shower. Listen to the sound of the water. The warmth on your skin. The feel of the water. Soak it in and let it give you a mental break if you can. Don't think about anything else but what your senses are taking in. Close your eyes. Focus on what your hands feel. I understand on bad days that it may be harder or even almost impossible to do. It's like meditation you could say. When it's nice out, go outside and just sit. Feel the warmth on your body. The breeze. The sounds. You could even (although I don't know how much it could help) but play white noise or relaxing music that has no words. Whether it's running water, the ocean, a thunderstorm. It's helped me to shut my brain down and give me a break by only focusing solely on what my senses picked up. If smell is a big thing for you, light a candle like on your nightstand or something. Lay in bed and just take in the beautiful, sweet, refreshing smell of the candle burning beside you. Life is so overwhelming its no wonder people struggle.

Edit 2: but for me it helps to close my eyes. What our eyes take in is probably the most prioritized sense that we have that overwhelms our other senses. Most of what we take in is what we see. Other senses just help that but we never focus on them. Never really focus on our other senses. It makes a big difference. Just be safe whatever you do that helps your brain to rest.

Yeah. I get it. And you never want to play with medication. Especially medicine that has a psychological effect. I have faith it'll get better for you. Just don't give up hope. I know that's easier said than done. Some helpful things that I've heard help people? Count your blessings. Roof over your head. Another day to be alive (although sometimes that doesn't feel like a blessing). I've always thought about those who have it worse than me to push me through. While only you know you, I know doing that can make things worse. It's how you see it. The way I looked at it was "I'm struggling now. Sure. However I have food to eat. A place to sleep. Clothes to keep warm." And with people having it worse than that, knowing they're still pushing forward drove me to keep pushing forward too. But it can also make things more grim.

As for the self destructive thoughts, something that has helped me a lot (not saying it will help you but I hope it will) is disconnect yourself from the self destructive lies. For me, I basically made there be 2 of me, and I chose which one I wanted to be. I changed my depression (what I didn't want) into its own personality basically. I know it sounds crazy but try to bear with me here. The thoughts ("I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I can't do anything right", etc.) I changed them. I looked in the mirror and when those thoughts came, I deliberately refused to see the person in the mirror as myself. It had my face, my looks, but wasn't me. The comments went from "I this, I that" to "you this, you that". I'll use the hulk as an example. Banner looks in the mirror and sees the hulk, not his own reflection. When I looked in the mirror, I decided what I saw wasn't me. It was what I hated inside of me (my depression). When I was able to stop internalizing the self destruction and accepting it as coming from myself, I could argue back against it. As if it was another personality trying to take over myself, I was then able to fight something that was distinctly not me. Not who I wanted to be. Not who I chose to be. And gave me an enemy outside of my personal ego to argue against and take control of my life over. When "you're ugly" would come, my response mentally was "I'm not. You're an ugly, miserable grouch. I'm not playing this game anymore. I see you for what you are and you're not me. I reject you. You're everything I don't want to be and you won't control me anymore."

Because that's essentially what depression is is an internal battle. And it's nearly impossible to figure out how to fight it when you believe you're fighting yourself. You grow hatred for yourself that is misplaced. When you're both sides, it's like you have a Ukrainian and a Russian (just the people at war right now that came to mind) fighting each other but you're both. You can't win when fighting both sides.

By separating my depression and no longer accepting it as me, anxiety was a separate issue I then struggled with. I accepted depression as something I struggle with. Something that tries sometimes to take over again. However, I stopped identifying in my head as my depression. Someone who has cancer for example. They don't say " I am lymphoma." It doesn't make sense.

Also, there was a book I started reading. It talked about emotions and ego/identity. Emotions are just that. Emotions. You feel sad. That's an emotion. You feel happy. That's an emotion. The emotions are the specific things we feel. Its good to feel them and theres nothing wrong with feeling your emotions. They come and they go. Not the thoughts behind them. Now there's the other part of it. The ego or identity. Not ego in the sense of "you have an ego as big as Texas". No. Ego in this context is who you are. Your personal being. Your soul. The problem comes in where we feel these emotions (like sadness) and then we think deeper into them, questioning ourselves and beating ourselves up as a result of an emotion. When you're sad, you think or do things (sometimes) that make the sadness worse. Not let it out. Worsen it. Digging yourself deeper. You don't have to try to make yourself be happy, but when you're sad, sometimes it can be better to just let yourself go through your sadness without digging deeper and unintentionally finding reasons to be sad.

Also, I emotionally blocked myself off to everyone too. I wouldn't let anyone in. Something else that helped me personally (because I struggled with things I viewed as weakness. I viewed myself as weak and it wasn't okay for me to be what I thought was weak). what does it mean to be human by Jeff Bethke. Strength doesn't come from hiding and blocking yourself off. It doesn't come from loving someone. While love makes people vulnerable, it also gives us strength in its own way.

I know there's a lot here, and I'm sorry for that. Things are never simple, and psychological things are always so much more complex. During the day, I felt nothing. During the night, I felt pain. I don't know if it's the case for you, but during the day, I felt nothing because I shut it down that way. Pretended like everything was okay and faked being happy. Faked being okay. Let me know what you think

Absolutely. I was in so much mental turmoil, it literally caused me physical pain. My mind was so messed up and I couldn't navigate my thoughts. There was many nights where my heart literally hurt physically and I wanted to plunge a knife through it. There were times my head felt like it was going to explode because of the built up stress.

Hopelessness. Depression breaks your spirit and your mind. Or tries anyhow. I can't tell you how bad I just wanted to have a psychotic break to make it stop. Like my mind felt like it was going to but the relief never came. Not then anyway.

And I know exactly what you mean by feeling nothing. I felt it all. During the day, I felt detached. At night I was in unbearable pain psychologically that it caused me to be in physical pain. I tried an antidepressant drug for 3 months. Low dose and I had to stop it because I felt nothing was real. I felt like I wasn't me. I questioned if I was alive. I quit the anti depressants because I told my mom, "I'd rather be in excruciating pain and know I'm alive, than take this and feel like I'm being controlled, feel like my life is my own than a puppet on a string. At least with pain, I knew I was real. One hell of a dilemma.

Thanks for responding. It means a lot. I still have my moments but it's not the extreme hell it used to be fortunately. People can pull through incredible things. But the day they lose the hope is the day they start truly losing the battle, and it becomes so much harder. I kept telling myself "just another day. I just have to get through another night. Time constantly goes on, things constantly change and this will too" I hope you don't suffer with it anymore and if you do, I hope it's become more manageable.

Edit: you also sometimes push people away because you're so angry, so hurt and you're afraid of being hurt more. Not to mention for me anyhow it pissed me off royally because I knew that because of me, my mom was suffering. It was breaking her heart. Which made me internalize it more and try harder to pretend I was fine. To hide my pain and suffering.

It is very complicated. And quite frankly, a lot of people don't want to die. Not really. They're terrified of dying. But depression is EXCRUTIATINGLY painful. Psychologically and emotionally. And there (especially when you're in it) never seems to be an easy fix. You have a headache? You take Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve, Advil, etc. It helps. The pain eases if not goes away entirely.

I struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Contemplated suicide more times than I would like to admit. If you're interested, I'd be more than happy to explain what's so complicated and confusing when it comes to going through depression. You don't love your family or friends any less. And you do eventually get to the point where you start hating yourself, feeding yourself lies that you believe are true, wonder what's wrong with you and just fall into the downward spiral. I've pulled a lot of people out of some of their deepest times, not understanding what's going on and feeling alone while I was in agony myself.

It helps as much as people don't want to, to talk about it. But it can be easier and more helpful to talk to someone who you can relate to. Who you're willing to let in and just listen. To see that you are heard, that you aren't alone and that you don't feel like people are diminishing your struggle because (you just need to get over it"

As hell as it is and the struggle of it, you try to force yourself to get through one day at a time. The nights are the hardest. Although getting out of bed is a struggle, agony comes at night when all is quiet, your tired after a long exhausting day, you're alone and you're mental fortitude is diminishing from the day.

I didn't read "mission to convert them to Christianity by whatever means necessary" in the text. Sorry. Read it in the comments but not in the story.

Edit: I found it.

Where do you get "harm and violence" from missionaries?

Hey. For all you know, that "student driving teacher" could've been her dad or something? I'd imagine a number of other people wouldn't have told you to just keep going or that what it was wasn't a big deal. If they saw the girl and deliberately refrained from telling you (which a person teaching a student driver should be aware of the surroundings while driving because they're responsible for what happens) they had it out for her. She knows it was an accident for you and she's not interested in harming you. She may be unsure of who was teaching you (but it was really her dad). Mom makes her sit in the middle of the road, and dad is the driving instructor (who could've deliberately made you run into the little girl by distracting you).

Edit: just a...hypothesis if you will. Also, poor girl. Hope she's able to get some peace.

And it looks like she never placed the key inside with him.

Edit: it was betrayal and premeditated murder.

Lol. I've done that before too.

Yea. Tbf though it is in nosleep. It's very rare to get one that isn't a horror.

😂😂😂

Absolutely. As far as I'm aware, purgatory in the literal sense anyway is at least of a religious spiritual nature. A "hellish" place. Or a place depicted as having no hope. A place of suffering. I think everyone has their own darkness or demons they face. Ironically enough its easier for us to hate ourselves and drag ourselves down than it is to honestly give ourselves words of encouragement. For most anyway.

We are our own worst critics but why is that? We have a natural need/fight to survive. We tend to fear death. Fear pain. Fear losing everything we love and care about. Our drive for self preservation is strong so why does it seem so easy to beat ourselves down to the point of causing ourselves unbearable pain? Physically we feel an instinctual need to look out for ourselves or our loved ones but yet we can kill ourselves Psychologically by the internal battles to the degree for some of even ending their own life because they want the pain to stop. It may start with outside forces but it turns into a waterfall that continues even after they stop.

Being our own worst critics, we're also the ones that hold ourselves back a lot of times or grant others the power to hold us back. I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I hope you find clarity and are set free. That you may see the truth whatever it may be so you may thrive to be the best you can be.

Also as a note: I spoke of God being able to grant you sight of things through dreams. A family member of mine saved my uncle, aunt and cousins lives because of the dream she had. Otherwise they'd have died in a car accident. And in a dream, when my brother was struggling from addiction and no one knew what life held for him in a downward spiral, in her dream, God told her not to worry. That he was gonna go into ministry. Man did he fight that hard-core but what happened? One of the several things that happened with him is he went to church for whatever reason while he was high as a kite. A point in time came and it was like someone flipped a switch. He went from high to sober in less than a second. And anyone who knows anything about drugs and/or has done them can tell you that NOTHING can make someone go from high to sober in the flip of a switch. But he did. He got clean and graduated with a major in ministry.

Edit: for anyone interested, the family member's dream was three vehicles were driving. Something happened causing the middle vehicle to swerve off the road down an embankment. Killing everyone inside said vehicle. She made everyone promise to be careful driving. We were driving for a family vacation. Low and behold my parents were in front pulling their camper. My aunt, uncle and cousins were second and grandparents following behind. I think my uncle may have been pulling a tag along. Anyway, a camper, my parents, that was 1 year old. The wall of the side of the camper blew off while we were driving down a long winding road. Thankfully because of the warning, everyone was driving more carefully. Otherwise it would've either a) taken out the second vehicle or b) caused them to swerve off the road and could've killed my aunt, uncle and both cousins. I'm not sure how exactly it went but when it was blown off, it came down (I think behind my aunt and uncle's vehicle) and my grandparents ran overtop of it. I was little. I've heard the story from all three parties the same.

That's a great story, OP. Not sure the reason for the vivid dream or the repetition of it every night. However there's a belief that there's a reason for our dreams. Our subconscious trying to come to terms with whatever stressor is going on in our life. Or subconscious is helping to tell our conscious that there is something wrong. Whether it be something holding us back. Something we feel guilty about. Something requiring active reflection. There's lots of reasons for dreams and many are hard to decipher. This seems to be quite clear. There are even dreams that have occurred where God is speaking to you and an event that is presented that hasn't occurred yet but warning of the dangers. I'm aware of a few of those dreams.

So, what's going on OP? What are you gonna do? What have you done that you could be burying that you believe let a lot of people down? Sounds like forgiving yourself is the open door to freedom. Is God reaching out to you?