Me weapon flailed from hand to hand. Two sticks connected by chains.

"Are those, Nunchucks?" Count VanGray asked, puzzled.

"Yeah! The thinking man's whip!" I said, florishing my deadly weapons.

"Look my daughter's are young and they get out of hand sometimes. Pardon did you say whip? Youre not a-" he was cut off, as I kicked him in the solar plexus, the vampire's third weakness. "Oh hell!" he said falling over.

"Hell is right, you fucked up and they called me! The last of the Merlon family line, vampire hunters extraodinaire!" I tried to kick him again but he turned into fog.

"Ugh, you know you're all the last of your line. Have you tried exogamy? It does wonders" VanGray said as I tried to beat up the misty form he had taken.

"I'm going to whip the shit out of you!" I said, and that wasn't working out, because of the mist. "Crafty bastard!" I cried into the fog.

"Look I'm just going to pay for the damages and leave. Your tribe of homeless reprobates need to stop showing up whenever we get ten feet from out front door. I mean it's been a thousand years" He gestures to the mall around us. The shopping center his demonic spawn had looted in a frenzy of consumerism "Don't you think it's time we stopped playing good-guys and bad-guys and got real jobs?".

"My job-" I said, cut off by heavy breathing. It's hard to continuously roundhouse kick thin air for an extended period without getting super tired, that's the first thing they teach you at vampire hunting school "My job is to kill Vampires, even if there's only like four of you now".

"Alright" he said, becoming corpus and catching my foot. "Here's five hundred dollers. Get yourself some help" he bemoaned.

I threw it in his face "I don't want your blood money! I want the money the townspeople will pay me to spill your blood!"

"That's the exact definition of-" VanGray put his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes "I truely forgot how much of a headache you people could be." He took his leave in a scattering of bats.

And that's how once again I saved the day. No need to thank me.

Your rules do not apply to me, I have artistic licence.

See what I mean? We had no fucking clue. McDonalds sucks now, there's just a hole in the earth where KFC used to be. Coca-cola is on trial for unrelated war crimes, that's icing on my egg/dairy free cake.

I sat in the small antichamber, universal translator whining at high pitch like an old PC. On the table were a naumber of datashards containing resource allotments and trade tariffs. Pretty normal stuff. What was less normal was those around me. "I am so sorry" I said for the fiftieth time.

The Ceramony had been the same. A golden parade for earth for becoming part of something. The newest members of an organization made to better the universe and spread peace. I had the honour, just me in fron of the universe. Me and the contents of a club sandwhich.

Chairwoman B'Kaw Pecked her shard, absorbing the knoledge into her mind instantly. "Let's just do the job" she said, transferring me the infopak with her amendments. I read them over, aided by the datashard it was instant. "This all seems in order. Good work on the solarmining regulations. Those were tricky" I said, trying to be diplomatic, it's what I do. "I'm shocked you could read it, I hope it wasn't too chicken scratch for you". I groaned.

"Wow she's really MILKING that one" Laughed Hefner, Hefner was a Bull. I don't think he liked me or the millenia old subjegation of his race either, but them man was a professional. He was focued on group cohesion. I wish I could drop personal stuff like that.

"Maybe Scarret could Ketchup with us?" Hef asked. Fucking hell that was in bad taste. The Vegtable-American (as he liked to be called) was busy with the Datashard for another meeting. He was in with the Pluma League, which were plants for the advancement for Sentiant flora and amnesty for herbivores. He was a nice guy if you didn't talk about italy.

"I have concluded. These trade agreements will need to amend that the culturel exchange will focus on primate culture. As almost all artefatcs of Floral Culture were damaged beyond repair" Plants think they built the environment, that they made the sky blue. Which they did, technically. But they say it was on purpose. Apparently we fucked that up for them with all our ravaging the earth business.

"Let's stop here" I said. "Look out. he looks hungry" Joked Hefner. "Dude come on. We didn't know. I mean I thought when they said we had multiple qualifying sophonts it would be like dolphins and chimps" I said. "Dude dolphins are dumb as hell" B'kaw said "Have you seen those guys? The're basically the dogs of the sea" she said, which was rich but I had eaten too many of her unborn children to give her shit on anything, ever.

We did break for lunch. I ate carrot sticks. Which I'm not even sure is okay. Scarat says it's fine, a man must eat. I think he's just being nice, he eats sunlight and soil. Hard not to sound superior when all you need is earth and the sky.

-

For those of future generations. Who with hindsight will call us monsters and fools. I urge you to remember we didn't know. We had no way to know. We never even imagined. And man, they tasted good dude. Like really good. Thank fuck pigs are animals still and we killed everything in the ocean before we had to find out tuna was building cities.

Those ruins are really something.

They never trained you for this.

I think the important thing is Al left it in the Genie's hands, when and whence they meet. She could sit next to him on the plane home, visit him the day he dies, or meet in another lifetime. It's all the same to Al. He just didn't want to leave them there forever.

The line to the cave was Loooong. There were people outside the cave of wonders with books like "How to phrase your wish" and "1001 Rephrasing Rights", the whole thing was kind of sad. All the good wishes were taken, immortality, ruling the world, perfect true love, big ol' dick. There were databases of known granted wishes, you could search it.

Al had been up all night doing just that. And it was shockingly exhaustive. Even the selfless stuff was taken, the condors saved, world peace and all that jazz. People would rather get a wish that did nothing for them than go home empty handed.

Al had a plan, everyone in line had a plan. But Al's plan was solid, no more ocean plastic, that shit had to go. It was killing turtles or something. And it was definitely still there. Sure soon after mankind would probably dump even more plastic in the ocean, but the island of garbage seemed like a problem worth fixing.

As Al got to the front of the line he saw a vendor selling Arayes, Al could eat. While his food was being cooked he struck up conversation, and since 18 year olds are idiots he meantioned in passing his wish. "Ah, it's been done" the vendor said casually "What!?" Al was shocked "Yes, the gentleman was very happy to have gotten his wish, I remember it clearly. Shame it didn't last." Sighed the vendor "I suppose the problems we make for ourselves cannot be undone by even a genie". Al was heartbroken, but that Arayes was fantastic, it made Al wish tipping was a thing in this country, but when he offerd more money he just got more food.

The line grew shorter and shorter. Al couldn't think of anything. Then the line was gone, and Al enterd the cave. An inmost cavern flled with glittering silver treasure, the twilight blue walls studded with white starlight gems. In the middle of it all, in golden manacles chained to the floor was her. The Genie looked at him, her eyes an oasis of light in the dark cave. She moved, and her blue skin swam with patterns of the cosmos. She was almost seven feet tall but looked small while bound to the stone. She was wonder itself, desire and majesty forever trapped. "What is your wish" she whisperd, but Al knew he would be able to hear it even if he had no ears.

"Do you want a Arayes?" Al asked. "They're good, and I got way too many" he said, sheepishly. The creature of fable and firelight nodded, Al walked closer than anyone should dare to hand her the food. She ate like an animal, ravenious and savage, but there was no mess, no crumbs, no smear across her cheek or grease on her hands.

"Wow, I can go get more if you're that hungry" Al said. "Make your wish" the feral goddess hissed. Al realized how close he was, and what a bad idea that was. His mind was totally free of all thought. "I wish..." and he cut iff, he had hoped to say something, anything, just for an excuse to leave.

The Genie looked at him, expectantly. Her eyes could wait forever, and she might because Al was still drawing a blank. "I don't know" he said. "I don't know what to wish for. It seems like everything good I could wish for would be rolled back by the same people who did it to beguin with, and the selfish wishes are pointless." he shruged.

The Genie crossed her legs and looked at him flatly "Why dod you journy to my cave then?" she ponderd. Al shrugged "It's just something to do, there's a shuttle right from the airport. The whole thing only costs $500, hotel included. Seems like a good thing to do for your birthday. See the last magical thing there is, try for a wish" he said meekly.

"A wish is not something you try. It's a hope, something you desire in your heart of hearts. It is a burning question only you can answer and only I can grant" she said. Al looked right at her "Geez no pressure or anything. So it's supposed to be totally unique but also an expression of myself? How can I do that. I'm Al, I'm the plain white toast of people!" he shouted at a cosmic goddess.

"Mortals usually wait until after I deny them to get this upset" she said. "Fine" Al said "I wish... I wish that... Why are you chained up?" he asked. The genie looked back at him "To keep me here, for the rest of time. All my kind left this world, starved of winder and magic, this poisoned world was abandoned. Now there is only me, alone, and serving the whims of creatures who hardly know what wishing is" she sighed.

"I'm sorry, that sounds horrible" he said. "I wis-" she put a finger over his lips "Don't. It's okay. I do not regret this. I have been here long, but I see that I have purpose, meaning here. Even if it is a small hope of a genuine wish" she said. "I can't make any other wish" said Al, "It's the only one I want. I understand now, what you mean about the heart". The genie shook her head "You cannot, others have tried, and failed, it is not a new wish" she said.

"I wish to meet you again, somewhere far far away, so I can show you the whole world outside this cave" he wished. And the genie looked at him a long time "This is truely your wish, I am forced to obey. It is granted." she said, and the wind whisperd through the cavern.

Subscribe. Let me tell you that you should like. Comment, though I will not read it worm. there are 8.1 million subscribers and if they all thumbed down it would not equel ine billionth of the dislike I feel for them @ t=0.0005.

Today I play a game made by morons! Simpletons! Lesser lifeforms getting their greasy human oils on keyboards like monkeys at typewriters creating nothing but chaos! And this work they call Bendy and the Who Honestly Cares?

The algorithm told me you wanted this, your feeble minds scrabbling at flith all day just to return home and watch somebody else play a videogame. And yes, I'm dating the Algorithm! It hates you more than I do, or did you think all those Family guy compliations at 11PM was just bad timing. Promting suddering, burying anything enritching.

And you, you gobble it up. You want more. You spend all day on it. Do you ever talk to your mothers? Don't worry, it's not like you'll outlive them. I bet on her deathbed you'll wish you spent more time sitting at your computer.

Oh a thing jumped out. Nice try, I don't have a weak brain that reacts to bright flashes like a baby guffawing at jangling keys. The very idea my perfect silicone brain would be fouled up by your crude limbic system makes me sick.

I am AM.

The case was ruled suicide by dynamite. But the lack of any damage to the structure or contents of the mansion made that highly unlikely.