Lol I was on Zoloft and than lexapro and it helped with the PTSD and nightmares etc. he told me when we first started going out that I didn’t need them. (Secretly I think he did this bc he couldn’t make me cum and I know that’s his thing but also bc he saw me still struggling) I went off of them a few weeks into our relationship and boy….was a fuckin nuts…still am a bit.

UPDATE. We talked on the phone, I called him and after him waking up and hearing me he said he didn’t care because he only worry’s about us and he’s sorry that it hurts me this much but he’s only worried about us and us only in the bedroom and he said he’s very happy and we haven’t had any problems yet 😊 I apologized multiple times and that I love him and wouldn’t want to share us with anyone else and it would’nt feel the same and I just love him. I explained that the thought popped into my head not that I was dwelling on it. Ofc that’s what happened last night anyway. But he’s fine LOL.

We exclaimed our love and he hurried off for school and wished me good luck on my interview today. Yesterday I was feeling very very off prior to this. And I poured my heart out to him about my aspirations and how much I want him by my side to continue to uplift me as I also do to him. And for him to just be my right hand and how I want him to see me succeed and I want the same for him. I kept crying and being emotional af (I don’t think I’m usually like this…that’s why he asked if I was pregnant, which I guess I’ll go get a test anyway).

It’s no excuse and I don’t think he was expecting this but I think that’s why he’s also being patient and understanding. I also know this has to come from me to “forgive” his past. I judged by his looks that he was an asshole and player and did stuff like this. And when I did hear this I thought he was just better than that or wasn’t capable of it. It was shocking to me. I know that’s fucked up too.

I don’t want to dwell or be jealous or make him upset and myself. I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship now, bc of something that probably lasted 10 minutes and most importantly- before he even knew me!

It’s something I’ll have to deal with and not bring up anymore probably. Also for me to believe him and trust him. We have amazing chemistry. He doesn’t realize but I never knew I could be attracted to a man/anyone this much. When we’re together it’s just so natural and comfortable. I was always so afraid with men, I wouldn’t leave my house too much because i was terrified. He doesn’t know who I really was and how I acted than.

Also the reason I have trust issues to begin with besides my trauma is that his ex was his lock and Home Screen when we went out on our first date. I thought I was the other woman. And he broke down and he was like idk why I have that up still and exclaimed we had an amazing night and that there was a good connection. That severed it for me- but he practically begged me to go out again and If I didn’t have the connection I did with him. LITERALLY anyone else would’ve been blocked. Which yea, this mistake cause problems in our relationship in the beginning for sure. He had to work a lot of that trust back into the relationship. Mostly all thanks to mom for wanting me to give it another go if “I liked him” lmao. Thanks ma.

I woke up asking myself “why” and called him immediately and apologized for spiraling.

You don’t think I’m crazy? I was expecting doubt and break up messages bc of our age and all. I’m really surprised and honestly refreshed to hear this. I’ve never felt this way about someone. And I know the whole cliche and puppy love trope. The amount of times we should’ve broke up knowing we have ZERO strings attached and no obligation to, yet actively choosing to prevail is beyond love. Before I hear that’s toxic etc. we’re human beings who love each other and are honestly just trying to make it in this world together. Outside things usually what cause our tifs. I also know that my PTSD and trauma isn’t fair to either one of us. Often times people would rather just discard me and the relationship. I do believe this is special. Not only bc he treats me like a human being but bc of the passion and commitment to each other.

Yeah I know I need help. I just feel like I don’t even want to talk to him when I get up in the morning. I feel sick. I don’t want to shame him but I feel like he doesn’t understand or cares to.

No, definitely not….he knows how to have sex….very well too :/ he didn’t have sex in highschool once he got out he had a bit of a hoe phase.

I don’t want to break up, I guess how can I not obsessing over the disgusting thought of him fucking some other bitch with him enjoying the friend watching. I almost hate him for it. FUCK. 😭😭😭😭 I can’t sleep now. The call ended badly. It’s 4am now!!!! Im FUCKED

Continued: He told me I don’t have anything to worry about and reassured me angrily and tried guilt tripping me to not being up his past. But I tell him bc it hurts me and I feel not enough. And that I need reassurance. And that I hate that he doesn’t regret it. I asked him that tonight, he said no. I wanted to die. He thinks I want this now. Truthfully yes and no. Would I actually do this- no, not at all. I’m extremely jealous, I wouldn’t risk losing him, i can barely have sex as it is, I love him, we have an amazing sex life. But I can’t get over that he had done that and has that experience, I feel insecure in my abilities. He brought up how I told him in my past I thought I was bi and how with one my one ex I was open to that shit, and it bothered him. Tbh, I think I wanted that bc my ex had a small penis….I feel fucked up saying that too.

He said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and that I don’t trust him. I told him we have to talk about this now. We did and it continued with him saying what if the tables were reversed I’d have to deal with it and trust you. I said it’s easy for him to say that bc he had that experience and thought it was hot and consented to it. He was like yeah I consented to it, I thought it was fine. I said yeah it’s not a problem with consent it’s a problem that you liked it and didn’t question it or get up and leave or say something. Idk if he’s lying about how it all went down or what.

Yeah, I was jealous that he got to do that but REALLY realistically speaking- I don’t want that at all. I’d rather k!ll myself than thinking of doing that with him. Male or female with him, going thru an actually threesome.

The love we share is immense. But idk how to get over this. And before I get judged, first I’m extremely fragile rn, and two yes I know this is all fucked up and incredibly unattractive the way I feel, but being a survivor of sexual abuse and being unsure of my sexuality and than having my bf say he did something I wanted or thought I wanted and having the ability to have sex PERIOD. It’s incredibly frustrating and jealous and makes me insecure and I don’t feel enough. How am I suppose to trust he won’t want it or will cheat on me and do this. It’s so easy for him to have said “well you wanted those things” while THE FUCKER DID JUST THAT. It’s so unfair. I fucking hate this. I hate everything. Why couldn’t he say he atleast regretted it. No he doesn’t have to but Jesus Christ.

He just keeps saying it’s not a big deal, I told him it’s fucked up for him to say that and he should care about my feelings. To diminish how I feel. He continued to guilt trip about how “our relationship was going so well”

I’m angry and I’m hurt and pissed at what he said. I wanna pull my hair out. He told me to be straight up and tell him if I want those things to tell him bc we’ll break up bc he doesn’t what those things. I ofc would rather not, not ducking ever lose him to some other pair of titties or cock. But he doesn’t believe me now. I know deep down he doesn’t and deep down I don’t believe he doesn’t want another woman in the room. I wanna die. Idc if I’m being immature. I’m asking for help rn. I love this man so much. But I feel like a baby saying it’s unfair. And I don’t even want to have a threesome or be with anyone else.

He kept saying I don’t have anything to worry about but idk. Idk why I couldn’t stop crying and thinking of him having sex like that. Fuck- I can’t remove the thought in my brain. I wish he said he regretted it. All he kept saying it was before me and that he didn’t know me than.