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skunkadelic t1_j45b6cy wrote

Don't let people linger in your life if you no longer want them to be a part of it.

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Old_Red_Alligator t1_j46sv31 wrote

Yeah, this should be the post title!

You re not lingering in someone s life if he/she is not honest with you about how he/she feels, you re just being deceived.

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I_na_na t1_j484jlp wrote

Keep telling yourself it is true. Some people are more direct and some people rely on more subtle ways to signal, that you are no longer welcome in their life. Your inability to recognize it, is not their problem. I met multiple people, that couldn't let go because, the signals from their partner weren't “clear”. Have some dignity and let them be. If they want to be with you, they will show it.

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jennialy t1_j46zuf9 wrote

Yep!!! These days an old friend messaged me, i didn't even had his number anymore, but I felt sure I didn't want to have him back into my life, so I just blocked him :D best decision I made for sure

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plaid-blazer t1_j47rvow wrote

Absolutely, but it goes both ways. Sometimes you try to tell people you’re not interested and they don’t want to accept it.

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KnightOwl1408 t1_j4eltfo wrote

Sometimes it's worse than that. They'll only call you when they need you and entice you into coming back into their life, you then start over and somehow end up back where you started in a few weeks or months.

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UpliftinglyWorkable t1_j45dxo2 wrote

I couldn't agree more. Holding on to someone who has moved on only prolongs our own pain and prevents us from finding true happiness. It takes strength and self respect to let go and move forward.

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Raddyrode t1_j45ikgq wrote

Much easier for the girl in general in breakups because they have way more options and quicker distraction from you

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stumped711 t1_j46cpfq wrote

How short sighted you are. How can a situation of gender matter at all? It’s not like there are 1,000 men to a single woman. In fact the population of the human is actually very close to 50/50z

It’s likely a situation of you have issues, thus why you have a harder time connecting with someone after a breakup. Especially when you already doubt yourself by saying it is “easier for the girl”

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BankerBoy83 t1_j45eqj0 wrote

This hit. Definitely got to take care of yourself first and let everything else fall in place.

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TreeB7 OP t1_j45euxn wrote

Self care is priority 100%

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uncoolcat t1_j46fs0j wrote

This is solid advice if you know for certain that the person doesn't want you in their life any longer.

Problem is, sometimes it's rather difficult to determine whether or not that's legitimately the case; maybe they are depressed or have other mental health issues going on, maybe they've got a jealous partner, maybe they just got really busy with other stuff, etc. I've got friends where we might not communicate for a year or more at a time, and there have been other times where I legitimately thought someone wanted me out of their life only to find out later that was certainly not the case and was due to circumstances beyond their control.

All I'm saying is just be cautious when using this approach. People have deleted me out of their life because they assumed that I was not interested in being friends, just because I hadn't reached out to them specifically in X number of days.

However, if someone clearly communicates to you that they no longer want you in their life, by all means respect their choice and cut ties. It can be difficult and upsetting especially if you care about the person, but unfortunately it can happen and it's best to respect their wishes.

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Sniffy4 t1_j45q0tf wrote

I feel like this when a long term long distance friend doesnt bother telling me they got married. OK, guess I'm out.

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TheNuclearMind t1_j46yvu8 wrote

For me it was when my "best friend" got pregnant and I found out through a Facebook post and 30 other people had known for months :/

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calistatravels t1_j47yhsq wrote

I think you Sniffy4 are overthinking it. You weren’t as close as you thought you were. Doesn’t mean you aren’t friends. Nuclearmind, you aren’t as close as you thought you were. Maybe they were your best friend but you weren’t theirs

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Sniffy4 t1_j4axrum wrote

I was never at best friend status, but 'not gonna tell em I got married' seems like the red line you draw between long-term friends you value and 'friendly acquaintances'.

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wiztastic t1_j45bj62 wrote

I could have used this like a year ago

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TreeB7 OP t1_j45n754 wrote

Its Never to late to know this my friend

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Quey t1_j45rr1o wrote

It reminds of the lyrics to a 90s song, every beginning started with an ending. OP is right, never too late.

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JacDGzmn t1_j45wphy wrote

Totally right..i salute myself of having the courage to leave a place when i am not wanted. And bet, i will never go back even when there is an invitation.

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TreeB7 OP t1_j460l9m wrote

I salute you too! It takes courage and a strong will to do what you did and that is inspirational. Good job

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Casual_Frontpager t1_j46dipi wrote

Yer, same here. I still hate myself for taking so long to realize what was going on though, but I guess the other person could have said something too. Still, left with lots of questions and no way of getting answers and sense of dignity at the same time.

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11picklerick11 t1_j46w3cn wrote

In a healthy relationship lingering would never happen. This occurs because people behave like monkeys at times,they do not like to let go of one " branch" until they have a firm hold on another. So they allow people to linger, for ego, appearances loneliness, substance use, abuse , financial needs etc. In a healthy relationship proper communication, understanding, empathy would all be employed to have a more positive outcome. So if lingering occurred the relationship was unhealthy to begin with and had no real chance of success with the relationship skill levels of the couple at the time. Better question , why am I in unhealthy relationships?

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Ganjii_303 t1_j45cuwr wrote

The thing that gets me is this. I had a friend from work who just stopped talking to me. Wont return any texts, but yet he keeps me as friends on Facebook. Why? If you don't want to talk to me, then just delete me, and move on. Why ignore someone but then keep them as a friend on social media?

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AngelicDevilz t1_j45ghws wrote

If I think someone's cool I'll sometimes not know what to reply that won't make me seem to stuck up, too insecire, that I want to be friends more than they do, that I am bored by them and that makes me come across as someone they wanna be friends with too.

So after type and erasing different messages over and over I'll give up for the day, get new messages and forget I never sent anything

If it's opposite sex then it could be jealous bf/gf who throws a fit when they see them messaging you, they have a big argument and promise not to talk to you anymore but they never tell you because they are ashamed of their bf/gf behavior l.

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Lingonberry_Physical t1_j45goh0 wrote

It sucks but I think you're better off deleting them. It's hard to move on the offensive in that regard, but the residual relief is worth it 100%

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Ganjii_303 t1_j45ih4h wrote

I agree. I'm married and old enough that I don't have time for that type of childish behavior.

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TreeB7 OP t1_j45eo3l wrote

Do not remove them, keep them but do not like or watch any of their posts or stories, always remember that when people distance themselves from you, it is not your fault, it is their insecurities and their problems, just move on, sometimes people come to our lives for us to help them with something and once our job is done they just move away, be happy they left because their place in your life was only temporary, only the real ones stay and the fake ones tend to leave.

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Ganjii_303 t1_j45i2jf wrote

But why? I want to remove them. When I was younger I accepted everyone and anyone. Now that I'm older, I only keep friends on social media that I actually talk too. So why keep them around?

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TreeB7 OP t1_j45n29a wrote

It is really a personal choice, for me I like to keep them to show them that even tho they are not part of my life anymore, I am happy, satisfied and going forward with or without them, you might think that they do notice that but they do, people feel it when you detach and move on.

I forgot the most important thing, you need to forgive them for doing that, once you do you will feel much better and the emotional exhaustion that they put you through will go away for good.

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hundredthlion t1_j466i2k wrote

Then go ahead and remove them and stop worrying so much about why they wouldn’t remove you. Seems pretty ridiculous to sit around deciding how other people should run their own accounts. Just do what you want with your own and move on.

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Valuable-Switch-1159 t1_j46onc6 wrote

Seconding this. You are totally free to cut off people who are no longer a part of your life. That’s actually needed to make space for the new people that will come into your life.

Wish them well, then move forward.

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Clownhooker t1_j46e2sr wrote

I just had a friend of 25years drop me like a bug-filled-taco. I adopted a puppy and she felt the need to pull every problem I’ve ever had with a dog into an argument why I shouldn’t have this dog I told here “the dog is staying” and she grumbled off. When I followed up the next day on how any why that hurt me and if she was doing that in other relationships it was toxic. She replied back with “do not contact me again” she removed me from all socials and the streaming services we were sharing.

This is someone I considered my sister. That does not allow her to treat me like that. I deserve respect and love and the ability to change. My friends should also be able to take criticism when it come from the heart. You hurt me, should be followed up with an apology not doubled down on.

Will I have a whole where she used to be? For a while but soon it will turn into a stained glass memory of what a good friend she WAS. It okay to let people go.

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LiveMammoth7055 t1_j46gu15 wrote

Wow, I think you are better off learning this now instead of later. Why would a friend argue with you about a pet choice? Why would a friend think so lowly of you they would be offended you have an opinion unlike their own?

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Clownhooker t1_j46jiy6 wrote

It was pretty shocking to be honest. Her mother is somewhat of an animal hoarder, and my friend volunteers at pet shelters all the time. She can be a little high-and -mighty when it comes to animal care. I UNDERSTAND where the comments were coming from but it still doesn’t make it right. It was as if a “mommy expert” came and told me that I wasn’t worthy of having this child. (Painful) So even if she were to come back I wouldn’t be willing to continue the friendship.

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Wondergirl_IL t1_j46k9ii wrote

Agree 200%... don't try to convince someone to want you.

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veotrade t1_j46y0s9 wrote

Absolutely.

Once the calls stop coming, your calls go unanswered, and the messages stay on “read” for weeks or months, don’t push things.

Just move on. If the person reaches out in the future you can always pick up where you left off.

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ElsaNightsong t1_j48gul3 wrote

Honestly I think it's cowardly if you cannot directly express that you do not want someone in your life to their face with your words. Especially nowadays when you can just do it over text and block them if you're worried about an argument.

No one should have to pick up on "hints."

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Longjumping_Local910 t1_j4a4nfz wrote

See “Banshees of Inisherin” for more instructions.

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ElsaNightsong t1_j4a97e3 wrote

I've had my fair share of actual stalkers... Sometimes you just gotta have a backbone and be a terrifying force. People are crazy. I can be much more crazy, but I hate having to be.

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breezyking08 t1_j48nld6 wrote

And when people treat you like crap, that means they don’t want you in it. I’ve learned recently though a relationship that went good in the first half but last half, he was emotionally abusive and very controlling. If he or she doesn’t think to give you the respect you deserve then give yourself the respect you deserve and leave. You don’t deserve to be treated negatively over any inconvenience in someone else’s life. Love you until someone can give you the love you deserve ❤️

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Valuable-Switch-1159 t1_j46oawq wrote

Great reminder. Lack of self-respect is unattractive and unhealthy in the long run.

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ProjectMew t1_j46vpiu wrote

We mustn’t linger in doorways. It’s rrrrrrude

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Rockyyyyyaz t1_j46xfuv wrote

This reminds me of an ex I had, I wanted him out of my life and he would NOT leave. Me. Alone. So I had to decide to stop trying to be nice and make it firm that I didn’t want him to linger in my life, so I blocked him on every social media site and did not accept his offer on staying friends (hint: it never works)

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TheLit420 t1_j478wev wrote

The worst part is having family like this...What then?

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RedditVince t1_j47t5og wrote

What do you do when someone kicks you out of their life for 8 years, then come back and want to be friends again?

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BreakOdd9399 t1_j46lljm wrote

What if our kid is involved and she begged me to marry her and have the kid? Then leaves without any counseling

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jonhart7 t1_j480rg3 wrote

I say this to my wife all the time but she still won’t gtfo.

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heatonice t1_j4f5em1 wrote

2 years of relationship he spat on me: We belong to different cultures in India and we had countless conversations regarding how to give our best shot to convince our parents about us. I trusted him and he promised me he will make sure his parents will accept me and say yes since he claimed his love for me was true. Jan 1st - this is what he conveyed to me on the call: he had just a conversation with his parents saying he has a girl (me) in mind from a different culture, parents being parents at first said no. According to our discussion we knew that would happen and he said he’ll keep trying. But who knew THAT WAS THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP! He didn’t try harder and never bothered to convince and instead told me we are not a right fit for each other via text( an excuse) and broke up. Is it really true love if your not willing to give your best or even put effort as big as a mustard seed to your parents about marrying the girl you truly love? Is it right to just break up with her without giving proper reason? Is it right to break her heart by lying and giving dumb reasons to blame her and show she’s at fault ? Just so that it’s easy to push her away like she’s some dirt stuck on your shoes..or because he can’t face the guilt. Is it worth begging him, crying for him and also admitted myself in the hospital due to weakness and depression . My love was pure and genuine but I guess he faked it like an Oscar winning actor. I just want to know from a guy’s perspective or from everyone’s. Do guys go to such extent by taking care, buying her gifts , taking out on dinners and shed a tear when I left on a vacation. He just wanted to have some company till he marries the one selected by his parents? My friends say it was all an act and I just overlooked the red flags as I was blinded by love. All I did was sacrifice and adjusted to make him feel happy and make sure he’s parents will see that. I tried to learn his culture , Punjabi language, kept him happy mentally and physically, shared so many laughters , travelled in North America with him, took care of each other, changed my likings to what he likes. I can’t imagine how someone can’t just forget that and give up on something so delicate and pure. Oh yes, the amount of happiness and joy compare to the fights we had was 8:2 (even though he knows that, but now he won’t accept it). We were the happiest with each other. But I guess that’s not enough in todays world. True love is unappreciated! PS: I’m moving out from Canada as every diner or places in Mississauga and Brampton reminds me of him. My heart throbs with pain and betrayal! Or maybe I was dumb and naive to believe in him

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TreeB7 OP t1_j4hg069 wrote

I am sorry for what you went through, but do not blame yourself, he is the one who lost you and not the other way around, sometimes people get lost in their emotions and get pressured by norms, family and society, other times you might have been dealing with a narcissist but what you need to know is that you need to move on, forgive and forget, if he is not willing to sacrifice for you than he was not the right guy for you in the first place, true live is about respect and sacrifice, if those 2 factors are not there than it wasn't love, it was just a bunch of feelings accumulated, stop blaming yourself and learn from this experience, one day you will find the right person for you, it is a good idea to stay away from places that remind you of him in order to heal and rebuild, but true healing starts from within, start by forgiving him for what he did and most importantly forgive yourself for trusting him, and start rebuilding and loving yourself again, pamper yourself, you deserve it. Good luck and do not forget to know your worth and not to hold grudges because it will destroy you emotionally, forgive in order to help yourself and for your sake. Take care

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