How do you get yourself motivated when you've always been driven by threat/anxiety/trauma? [Discussion]

Submitted by ElegantCherries t3_111d8uq in GetMotivated

Something I've been struggling with in the last year is how to motivate myself without the anxiety/urgency created by negative consequences or external deadlines. If there are none, I just do nothing. I go all lethargic and shut down and can't get myself to do anything at all.

e.g. boss asks me for something by 4pm that day. I am ON IT, super focused, doing a good job and delivering on time.

Boss gives me my own project with unclear deliverables and a long timeline... I half-arse it and don't start until two weeks before the deadline. I have always gotten away with this because I do produce good work... I just do it in a mad rush at the end.

I'm all or nothing. I know it comes from childhood trauma, and it's so ingrained in my brain that no external demand means now I rest, and conserve my energy until there is another threat/demand to react to.

I've had a lot of therapy, and my most recent bout did a really good job at calming the hyperresponsiveness of my threat and drive systems so they're not constantly causing me too much anxiety - the idea is this gives me room to choose what I want, rather than reacting to what I think I should want, or what others want.

But I'm now left in a situation where if there's no threat, there is zero motivation, and I just shut down. How can I move from being reactive to proactive? I cannot keep promises to myself at all. I can keep a new habit for about a month, then I go back to not doing it, even if the goal is important to me.

Even more frustratingly, I do meet almost every goal I set. I do get my work done, I have studied successfully, I have lost a lot of weight, I've lived overseas, I've saved a lot of money, I went to therapy consistently for five years, I completed Couch to 5k. It's like... I do get things done, but I don't like how I do it, and day to day it makes me feel like shit.

If anyone can relate, please let me know! And any tips you have for gently starting to overcome this are most welcome.

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Maternalnudge t1_j8e2i5j wrote

This is my personal way of coping. Imagine the journey of life as a path you walk down. When you focus on negative things, like past trauma, you turn your focus away from everything else. It is almost like you stop walking and turn around, facing backwards on life’s trail and then walk with your back turned to your future. You’re afraid to turn around because everything in your past is so important and maybe not fully processed. It’s so important to understand that you should be MORE afraid of progressing through life backwards than you are afraid of what is behind you.

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karanarak09 t1_j8eqj9a wrote

Thanks for writing down my issues. I can now just send this post to my therapist. But jokes apart, I think one has to unlearn the fear/anxiety response and then build positive motivation for achieving goals. I’m still in the process but I’ve figured that you cannot skip straight to positive motivation. Unlearning the anxiety response is critical. I’m using meditation, medication, journaling, exercise, breathing exercises, yoga to retrain my neural network.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hb4r9 wrote

Thank you for reminding me of this! I get very impatient and think I "should" know how to do this now I've had therapy, but you're absolutely right about the fear response.

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lkayman30 t1_j8evw29 wrote

I have the exact same issue. Severe childhood trauma. People think I'm doing well because I have a good job and home but in reality, I'm like you.

At work I can crush my goals but, at home I'm a month behind on laundry. I had to get a weekly house keeper to clean my house because I don't have the motivation to do but, I can't stand filth. It's so ridiculous to me but, honestly I don't know how to change it.

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Prize_Huckleberry_79 t1_j8h1ney wrote

I think that at work, you run out of whatever it is you run out of, that you would ordinarily rely upon to get your housework done or your chores. I won’t call it “energy” because I still have that at times. I wouldn’t say it’s “motivation” either.

I think it’s some sort of actual chemical in your brain or something that gets depleted through the course of your day. Maybe a scientist around here can tell us if I’m right, and what that chemical may be…

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crazylifestories t1_j8h7opk wrote

That is exactly how I fell. I can do work, I can clean my house, or I can play with my daughter. I can’t do any on the three at the same time. My energy is just depleted after 1.

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AintNothinButaDream t1_j8tkm6b wrote

I'm older (62 m) and have been dealing with this since I was a teen, its brutal and gotten worse the older I got. I used to be able to do things by forcing myself, sheer determination. The older I got, the harder that got.

I'm at the point now where I can do like one thing a day, and I'm done. Being a parent while constantly exhausted was the worst.

So interesting to read all these comments and suggestions, gives me hope that perhaps I can be a bit more productive and less negative at the same time.

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dulcamaraa t1_j8u0wdv wrote

Mayb you mean dopamine? Which is needed to start/continue/finish tasks and is deficient in people having ADHD.

Or more generally, maybe you’re talking about willpower. There are a lot of studies done on diminishing willpower over the day (eg in judges, that need to make tough decisions their whole day, or people on diets that have better food choices in the morning vs the evening)

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Prize_Huckleberry_79 t1_j8vv4vr wrote

Yea I bet you’re right. “Willpower” is interesting. I need to research that some more…

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hb6xs wrote

I'm so sorry, it feels awful, doesn't it? Especially that bit where everyone thinks you're functioning really well, but you know you're not.

I'm glad you have found a way to cope in the meantime, but wishing you peace.

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lkayman30 t1_j9tyvx9 wrote

Thank you so much. I wish Peace and happiness as well.

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trusty20 t1_j8ffjdd wrote

What you described is screaming that you should read "The Now Habit" by clinical psychologist Neil Fiore. I mention his credentials because the book is based on his clinical practice instead of being your usual self-help guru book. Pretty concrete practical stuff. He talks about various negative motivational styles and how they can be retrained to more proactive styles, and how you can embrace gradual improvements rejecting extreme goalsetting. Pretty big focus on CBT based therapy, which is a pretty universally accepted therapeutic method.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hdgcr wrote

Just started reading it, it's spot on so far. Thank you for the recommendation!

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sneakypedia t1_j8ofyeo wrote

thank you both for this exchange. I just started the same book thanks to this comment and I feel right at home in it

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Clever_Mercury t1_j8fkgya wrote

There are two recommendations that I'm not seeing others offer that might be of help.

First, motivation doesn't have to be an emotional experience. Sometimes trying to run everything on our sense of thrill, terror, or adrenaline is the problem; it makes tasks exhausting to our central nervous system. Many benign tasks, like doing the dishes, really should be something we train ourselves to do without emotion.

So here's an example, when doing the dishes it doesn't have to be a thing where you've whipped yourself or punished yourself to do the task, it can be emotionally neutral or robotic. That's OK. In fact, it might be nice to let your mind escape while your hands just repetitively washing.

Second, motivation does not need to mean something like having a negative or positive connotation to the end product or reward (like fearing a consequence or exhilarated by an outcome). Instead, we can think about the experience of the task itself as something worth doing. The possible reasons might be for 'variety' or from 'curiosity.'

Here is an example of the latter; I sit most of the day, so while mopping the floor is not exactly a fun time for me, it's an opportunity to stand up, walk around, blink more, and I can listen to music while doing it. These aren't punishments or rewards, but they are different physical sensations and the sheer variety for my day is something I do not resist. So the floor gets mopped!

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hd6wu wrote

This is great and reminds me a lot of my former therapist's reminders to "get curious" about my experience rather than spinning off into that anxiety. Thank you.

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tele68 t1_j8e157h wrote

I've never seen this explained. Is there a name for it?

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kiffiekat t1_j8gkbeg wrote

Executive dysfunction. You have a thing to do, you know you have to do it, there is nothing physically stopping you from doing it, it's not a difficult thing to do, you just can't make yourself do it. It's just your brain throwing up an invisible, intangible roadblock. And it sucks being a full-grown, independent adult trying to overcome it.

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RemoteMammoth6 t1_j8eyqrs wrote

ADHD

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hdvrt wrote

I've wondered sometimes if I had ADHD but it just doesn't fit for me.

I think it's trauma-based executive dysfunction. In survival mode I work very well, I just don't know how to function outside of it yet.

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Weekly_Ninja1314 t1_j8h10lv wrote

bi-polar type II ? .a dopamine or hormone imbalance? go see a doctor and have your Thyroid checked. have them do blood work for diabetes. a regular health check at least once a year is always good . you may just be lacking a certain vitamin in your system.

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happyele t1_j8en0ax wrote

Cbt therapy. You have to work through those feelings of perfectionism and sit with uncomfortable feelings of being conscientious.

It sucks I know to be be this way but this particular type of therapy helps.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hbbxo wrote

Thank you for the suggestion. I don't have the capacity to do further therapy right now, but have started reading "The Now Habit" as suggested by another poster, it takes a CBT approach.

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mybirdblue99 t1_j8ejsp1 wrote

I have exactly the same experience, it’s like I only function whilst under stress and pressure. I haven’t found a decent way to access that high functioning mode without deadlines or purpose

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tele68 t1_j8e0ox5 wrote

Same. It's been a lifelong mystery that I mostly dealt with by not fighting it too hard.
But what you sacrifice is things like writing a book or other solo creative situation.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hbd0f wrote

It can't be fought, I don't think! Sorry you're going through it.

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zaphod_pebblebrox t1_j8et3w9 wrote

Honestly, keep moving forward with your therapy. If you have made progress with your current therapist, keep going.

I look at it like a utility.

We need electricity and internet to work with the world. We need therapy to work with ourselves.

Just pour your heart out to your therapist and keep working with them.

You were a kid a long time ago when you collected these cobwebs. Today, you are an adult with limited you time to clean the cobwebs.

It will take time.

And a good gym. Healthy mind, healthy body.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hd9yp wrote

Thank you for your lovely comment. I'm buying a house and starting a grad programme at the moment so I've put therapy on hold until the house at least is sorted. But agreed, it absolutely is a utility!

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RevolvingCatflap t1_j8eya83 wrote

I'm exactly the same. Fight, flight or freeze. Standby mode for everything else.

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veralina t1_j8jf55z wrote

I’ve never heard freeze before! Brilliant! And standby… hello me

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Goge97 t1_j8gwcf0 wrote

For me (and I get you 100%), I write it down. Something about a pen and a piece of paper is so focusing.

Whatever part of my brain organizes things for me is activated! A list, a plan, step by step, dates and deadlines.

It really feels like magic sometimes. And the little burst of endorphins from checking something off the list is sweet.

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Jammintoad t1_j8fuja2 wrote

It is possible that part of you believe the work you create is not very good and not worth doing. One thing that helped me is having faith that the daily habit will turn into the long term goal achieved. It's placing confidence in yourself, even if you don't feel like you will 100% reach that end goal

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No_Vacation3909 t1_j8gz2to wrote

Damn thank you for writing this. You just described me better than I could describe myself to anyone. I’m successful but damn am I exhausted dealing with everything fight or flight mode my entire life.

I describe the way I operate as being able to take care of everything I need to take I care of inside a burning building, executing with adrenaline, and knowing exactly when the building will be coming down to know exactly when I need to get out. Somehow I make it out every time but damn it’s exhausting.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hde6o wrote

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Exhaustion is a great way of describing it - I feel that too. I feel a great need to just rest, to just be. I think I am resentful about having to do anything at all at the moment.

The burning building is a great analogy! For me it's always been scrambling up a cliff face, and I can't stop else I'll fall back down into what I came from.

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darkThunder123456789 t1_j8gkkav wrote

I am lethargic , and couldn't do it even with a deadline . I run out of energy, give up , and go to sleep .

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StructureWise8468 t1_j8gtpya wrote

You got to align your life with your values. and you just told us your values. You want to move forward without being chased. your want to set and achieve goals. There are plenty of great audiobooks on this. You kinda gotta dedicate your life to them and they are worth it.

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Lumbarjack666 t1_j8h2js1 wrote

Ive found personal to do lists create an internal deadline/force that helps alot with tasks and break them down into smaller ones if possible. For home/self maintenance stuff I do them right after work since im still in "work mode". I dont change or sit down to relax untill they are done

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Moon-spirited t1_j8ifnkn wrote

I also struggle with this, so I’m not sure I’m the best person to give advice, but try to set yourself smaller sets of goals. For example, if your boss gives you a project that’s due in a month, divide your project in smaller sets of tasks with your own deadlines to respect and set yourself (realistic) time during the day where you’ll complete those tasks. In the end, it’s really about learning how to be more disciplined

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Moon-spirited t1_j8ifz1y wrote

I also want to add that I get the dealing of fearing to fail/anxiety which makes you not want to start at all the project. The trick is to just start. Once you get deeper in the work, you’ll get more motivated to work on it because you’ll be able to see the finish line more clearly.

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MakeCyberGreatAgain t1_j8f7c7v wrote

My strategy: continually come up with internal games, stress, and deadlines. Like, can i do this task faster than the last time. Time yourself.

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ZephkielAU t1_j8hzfjm wrote

Motivation is easy*, that's just doing what you want/ avoiding what you don't want. Not getting destroyed by a threat is pretty good motivation.

Discipline is a skill that you have to learn and practice. It's all about doing the things you don't want to do. That's hard when your primary motivators have historically been "don't die, don't get attacked, don't be poor, don't live on the street" etc, stuff like that.

You said you give things up after a month (presumably when you lose motivation)? Make it last 6 weeks. You don't start tasks until 2 weeks out? Make yourself start 3 weeks out.

Build the skill. Train it like a muscle. Start earlier, stay longer, push harder.

And give it time; progress is incremental not instant. If you're already succeeding, that's a pretty good foundation to start from. Now just get better at it.

*I don't mean getting motivated is easy, I just mean it's easy to do the things we want to do when we want to do them.

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sonofagun_13 t1_j8hzrkl wrote

I relate totally. I don’t have any true words of wisdom other than to say I relate. It’s frustrating and something that always feels like an internal fight. I generally make lists of what ‘needs to be done’ and those days without any motivation I try to force myself to focus or appreciate getting some ‘small things’ accomplished. When lack of motivation hits, any accomplishments can be be big to you and it’s ok to treat small things like accomplishments when you feel like it’s all you can do. At least that’s my take.

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durgadas t1_j8j24te wrote

I went through a long period of this exact problem, when I realized I was motivating myself through self-abuse. Worse, I realized that this was inherited self-abuse- i.e. I had chosen to abuse myself because someone else or the culture as a whole was telling me that this was how motivation worked.

It actually took me something like 3 years of being relatively listless and unable to function as I'd previously known myself and then I much later discovered the ideas of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.

Many of us have intrinsic motivation, but need extrinsic structures to assist us and help focus our own goals into reasonable action- i.e. extrinsic motivation.

I was talking to one of my longtime coaching client of mine about exactly this in the last couple of days- when we get REALLY imbalanced into the extrinsic motivation, we might not realize that we internalize that to such a degree it becomes negative, and we then lose track of our intrinsic drive for things. So instead of the healthy guide extrinsic systems- or even lifestyle inertia- create for us, it becomes a form of self-abuse, creating negative self-talk, and inner criticism.

I'm suggesting you choose against that, and get support by someone on a regular basis to continue making compassionate but firm choices for your own goals and intrinsic motivations- so you can re-connect with them and have them work in alignment.

I did an unfinished graphic about this as a part of a larger system I have that tries to illustrate the problem: https://imgur.com/a/PXAoggw

It can go so far as we create a kind of separate personality we use against ourselves and call it "motivation", when it's just a kind of unconscious extrinsic motivation, that you employ to "force" yourself out of bed or to the gym, etc. Do that long enough, that breaking that cycle can seem ungrounding and you can be lost as I was for a while.

I created a very detailed system called Creating Virtuous Cycles for this that is beyond the scope of this comment, and during the creation of this <website soon to come> system, I've noticed deeper and deeper aspects to it.

Motivation can also be problematic in our ADHD-inducing lifestyle or for people like myself with neurodiverse minds. I created an (unfinished) graphic about this: https://imgur.com/gallery/hkCQS3h about overstimulation vs. understimulation. Parts of this graphic were based in the Attention Cycle I found. Credit is in the graphic: https://imgur.com/a/Ao9lV6K

In that three years, I basically resolved to stay in the moment and handle things instead with compassion. I recommend self-compassion.org with science-supported methods for learning how to create that and replace negative self-talk with compassion.

The point is that it's good you are asking for help with this, and having an accountability partner with whom you can learn healthier ways to motivate yourself.

Let me know if I can help.

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veralina t1_j8jec8o wrote

Following.. this is the best post I’ve seen on Reddit today. I feel terminally unique but reading MY thoughts from someone else brings some relief. Thank You.

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AintNothinButaDream t1_j8tk0l2 wrote

Wow. Hello brother from another mother, Lol.

No real advice. The struggle is real. I'm reading these comments and advice and its blowing my mind. Gives me some hope.

Good luck in your journey, I hope you find the relief that you so rightly deserve.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8tpykr wrote

Heh, I'd be your sister from another mister! I'm so glad it gives you some hope. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one who struggles in this way can be helpful.

That's so kind, thank you so much and 100x the same to you, I hope you can find a way to have some peace with this.

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HeadStarboard t1_j8eid5h wrote

Forget motivation. Can’t control that well. Focus on determination. Carries you better through times you are unmotivated.

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deboracrandall t1_j8wo0k9 wrote

I would start by loving and accepting yourself exactly how you are right now. Show gratitude to yourself for being so resilient. Forgive yourself for mistakes or things you now know could have done better. Focus on things you want to do and need to do.

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[deleted] t1_j8x0edm wrote

"I'm all or nothing. I know it comes from childhood trauma, and it's so ingrained in my brain that no external demand means now I rest, and conserve my energy until there is another threat/demand to react to."

Omg.

Also for me I think it's, if there's an opportunity to 'be the best', 'impress the teacher' or whatever, then I'm productive. If I have the opportunity to build a business and buy a house, for example, I don't have motivation. If some shitty boss is saying 'do this shitty task', I do.

Is it about being watched? As well as threatened.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8x2ork wrote

I relate to the 'impress the teacher/boss' thing too, and re: your last question, what immediately came into my head was "it's not about being watched, it's about being seen".

We all need to be seen and validated, to know our efforts are on the right track, and ideally we are gently corrected if not, then praised when we get it right.

If we don't get this as children, some of us learn that we can get something like it from pleasing other people. So our brains think that when we do for others, our efforts will be seen and validated. Whereas when we do for ourselves, no-one sees and no-one cares, or they even actively discourage us - so what's the point?

I think this isn't the whole of it by any means, but it could be one small yet important element.

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[deleted] t1_j8x5mc6 wrote

God, I can relate to this. Where you said about our efforts being on the right track, getting gently corrected if needed and then praised when we get it right. That is literally it! I'm scared of doing something wrong and getting out of my depth.

And also, the thing about getting guaranteed validation if it's someone else's task we're doing / some boss we're helping. Exactly. Cos there's very little to gain from our own tasks in the short term, the time in which we need to start building the business, for example. Plus no-one to correct us and the whole risk thing. So "what's the point", precisely. Or just it ends up being permanent procrastination because there's no 'first steps to whatever it is' teacher. Or there are... Youtubers who I think 'I could just message them if I get out of my depth'. But I'm still too concerned.

It's like I need a 9-5 experienced teacher, or ahead-of-me peer / colleague to be there while I do everything.

And I think this to myself, and look for accountability buddies but that's not enough... It's like I need a comforting person in the actual room!

Or the thing we were talking about at the start, which is some scary faculty of teachers who will be viciously disappointed if we do not get an A. I'd rather have the comforting teacher, but I have neither (given that I'm in my 30s!).

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kathey_j t1_j8hiujv wrote

Hi am khaite

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probably_not_a_thing t1_j8ht32w wrote

There's a few free to do list apps. CBT is the route for long term, but short term? You get that lovely thank you from your brain for ticking things off AND there is a deadline created for it...I've always been like this...at least we can put " works well under pressure" on our resume lol.

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HomoVulgaris t1_j8kh7w1 wrote

I feel like it's just always this way... with anyone that is successful. It's not a bug, it's a feature. I don't think you're broken like the way that you describe.

The key is to never let it go to "nothing". There's ALWAYS a negative consequence to shutting down. It doesn't come from outside you, it comes from within you.

If you let yourself have enough shitty days, then eventually you'll just become a shitty person. Don't take that first step. If you see goals that are unclear or timelines that are far into the future, then CLARIFY those goals. Pull those timelines back. So what if it's due in 4 months? Can you get it done by the end of the week? If you can, why wait? Just get it done!

Turn external deadlines into internal deadlines. Why should anything have to wait one second more than it has to? Complete assignments as you get them, not as their deadlines come up.

Turn external consequences into internal consequences. Look at your day. Evaluate how you did that day. What could be improved? Where are you struggling? Try to do better the next day.

Honestly, the anxiety has a purpose: getting you off your ass! If you had no anxiety, you would be like a capybara the whole day: just a big lazy baby. The point is that you're not just a chubby, lazy baby! You're a responsible adult, dammit. Even though there is always the temptation to just be a gentle soft chubby boy and sleep the day away, don't give in!

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Emmyshines t1_j8ueftl wrote

I sing, dance and pray. I chose what to listen to at that moment. I focus on what will make me over come the trauma.

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Regret_Apart t1_j8u43cg wrote

How I get motivated is I’ll do a fat line of some white girl, slam a budlight, then tackle whatever problem I’m having…..works everytime…..😉

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