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feetofire t1_itg6epq wrote

So true. An acquaintance of mine who I helped support emotionally when she was separated from her husband, kept insisting on how welcome I would be in her home as a guest when visiting her town etc etc etc - “you’ll always have a place with us” . So she stayed with said husband and I was between rentals and needed a place to stay for 2 nights…. Her : “I would love to have you over but husband isn’t comfortable.”

I’m sure.

I out here very firmly in the acquaintance box after that, and treat any other banal promises she makes as worth the grime on the bottom of my shoes.

Conversely — I found a gem in another friend who went above and beyond to help me when I was in a pretty bad place … and then found out that she was in a worse situation than me. This person will stay on my life for a very long time.

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redderper t1_itgk31h wrote

I don't necessarily see how that acquaintance is in the wrong there. She chose her husband over an acquaintance, which isn't really that strange. She probably wanted to help you, but couldn't because her husband wasn't comfortable. Unless you know for sure that she's lying about that, I don't think you can blame her.

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feetofire t1_itgl7uv wrote

Had she been somewhat less effusive, I would agree. And she wasn’t an acquaintance them - she has been someone who had been calling me long distance in tears as her marriage had been breaking up (btw - I’m a woman), so I had thought her a close friend at the time.

Anyway - it was a good in the end. Last minute Airbnb in a moment of desperation led to me making two new friends.

And the more I think of it … I have another dear friend who I will keep in my life forever who, hearing that I was in town, insisted that I stay with him and his GF in their flat. We were and have remained platonic friend fwiw … anyway what he didn’t tell me, was that his flat was the size of a shoebox, so I ended up spending the weekend, sleeping on their kitchen floor. I didn’t mind - and we are still (very platonic) friends.

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redderper t1_ithbv2b wrote

I do agree that it's shitty to make promises that you can't keep, especially if they were helped by that person before. However, my point is that you also don't know exactly why she couldn't go through with it. Maybe her husband is really controlling and that's why she couldn't keep her promise. Of course she should have talked to him about it before making that promise, but people make mistakes all the time.

Anyway, you know her better than me of course, so maybe the whole friendship was just you being there for her and not the other way around. Just from that one story I can't really make any conclusions basically.

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MJohnVan t1_ithjy8q wrote

If her husband is controlling why would she say that? Instead talking to him first ? People make mistakes. That’s normal. But people will forgive you and forget you. Not because you can’t keep the promise but you lead them on something you can’t keep.

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rexmaster2 t1_ith3qoe wrote

The true moral of the story is, if u have no intention of honoring what u say to someone, then don't say it.

I have a neighbor who is similar. Call me whenbahe needs me, but can't be bothered to keep her word with me. She'll say, let's go out to lunch, meet up, ill be over later, ill call u tonight, and I get nothing from her. In most cases, it's because her (60) husband (70) won't let her leave the house once he is home. He wants no one in the house. Well, except for his gf, of course.

In cases like this, it's all about control. Nothing more.

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redderper t1_ithctak wrote

I just feel sad for women who are being controlled/abused by their husbands. Not keeping your promise is definitely shitty, but she's a victim of the situation as well and she might not be able to escape that situation so easily.

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rexmaster2 t1_ithjfm4 wrote

Sadly, some don't want to escape but continue to complain about their situation. The number one reason why they stay...."but I love him".

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MJohnVan t1_ithjpa6 wrote

Why would she give that offer if she can’t even afford to follow with it? It shows how shallow a person can be, don’t do that. Because people will start to look down on you. Delivering promises you can’t keep. Not once twice but more than often.

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pbradley179 t1_itg6z4z wrote

You realise the way you've put all of this doesn't make you seem like a good friend to have though, right?

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feetofire t1_itg7qrp wrote

No.

I dont realise this otherwise I wouldn’t put it out.

I’m just not into people who say things that they don’t mean.

Also - when you are at your lowest, you see how people treat you when you have nothing to offer.

I supported “friend” 1 and meant all that I said. She didn’t in the end. Her words, were empty.

I had nothing at all to offer Friend 2 who likewise would have been very justified in explaining to me how she didn’t have time for me - or just not having time for me. Friend 2 didn’t - and I reached out when things were better and thanked her once I realised what she had also been going through.

Anyway - I’m just being honest - it’s the internet so I’ll take whatever comes with it.

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Bobbycanbackflip t1_itgh8qh wrote

I understand where you’re coming from. Personally, I can understand why a married woman’s husband may not be comfortable having you in the home despite your circumstances.

Unfortunately, while yes it deprives you of assistance, they have a more complicated and committed relationship and if you ask me as a guest you have to be respectful of that.

People are allowed to assist you as much as they seem fit.

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feetofire t1_itgj7oa wrote

To be clear - both her and her husband were once my friends and we had all known each other whilst working overseas. I’ve stayed with my best friend and her husband (who’s also my friend) without issues elsewhere so - eh - dunno.

Anyway - my way of getting by in life is to pretty much have no expectations from anyone other than myself. Anyone actually pulls for me - is a bonus - I’ve been blessed to have genuinely decent people cross my path, but not by design.

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Bobbycanbackflip t1_itgjf34 wrote

Yeah, man I know it’s hard. We all got problems. I find on average we find a way to get by, despite all the adversity.

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