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LivelyFox3737 t1_jbweaj6 wrote

Lying for Truth

My first day on the job was finally drawing to a close. With relief I snapped the laptop closed, eager to answer the call of my personal laptop beckoning me home so my real work could begin.

The only truthful skill in my bogus resume was my talent for multi-tasking. Not that my new boss had done anything more than give it a cursory glance, his small piggy eyes had been too busy feasting upon my cleavage. The job had been mine from the moment I had left an extra button undone on my blouse. Brains need not apply.

Every office at Magenta Party HQ was adorned with the campaign slogan, “Fighting for Fairness!”. I felt my face twist with derision, not so fair for Sarah Perkins it seemed, whose chair I now occupied. I squeezed my throbbing feet back into the unaccustomed confines of high heels, time to parade my way out with their stimulating click-clacking.

“You can’t leave now!”, exclaimed John Harris, his florid face suddenly peering around the door, his piggy eyes running all over my body like slime, apparently still unable to find my eyes. “It’s office tradition to treat the new girl to after-work drinks on her first day. I’m not taking no for an answer.” Damn, he worked fast!

“Oh, I’d love to Mr. Harris!”, I breathed, all wide-eyed innocence. “Give me just a minute to freshen up my make-up and I’ll meet you there.”

“Ok love, me and the boys will have a drink waiting for you. The bar across the road.” His modus operandi hadn’t changed. Sarah hadn’t stood a chance as she had been wilfully led into unconsciousness and into the dark void where non-consent wasn’t possible.

With his sweaty presence gone, I carefully lined my oversized handbag with a heavy-duty plastic bag to pour all the drinks I was not about to drink as I distracted them with the wonders of a further button undone on my blouse.

Next, I carefully fixed the tiny microphone behind the campaign button I pinned to the bag, ready to catch the seasoned player in his nasty game as I feigned leg-opening inebriation. He’d be sure to boast to the boys about his next conquest every time I stumbled to the restroom. I’d been rehearsing for this moment fastidiously since first interviewing Sarah, and felt strangely calm, dangerous, and ready.

I reapplied my lipstick of fire-engine red, although he wouldn’t see the warning. I planned to stamp out those life-shattering flames forever. Battle-paint ready, I marched off to war. If I played this right, I would have this wrapped up by midnight and the story on my editor’s desk by morning.

Passing under yet another poster screaming “Fighting for Fairness!”, I raised my fist into the air and exclaimed, “Oh yes I am. This is for you Sarah!”. I headed out into the twilight of the groaning city and towards John Harris, whose career was about to be cast into perpetual darkness.

(WC: 499)

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FyeNite t1_jc3znha wrote

Hey Lively!

Heck yeah, she's so got this.

I loved how from the start, we get the sense that something else is going on underneath. The language that you use, the way our character manipulates the situation and people around her to get to the story she's looking for.

I also really like the irony of the slogan. And the way you bring it back at the end and actually give it the sense that it's true this time.

I also think you did a great job of characterising John and even the boss in this. Even though we don't see much of the latter, you do a good job of giving us a picture of what he's like. So very well done!

I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,

> With relief I snapped the laptop closed, eager to answer the call of my personal laptop beckoning me home so my real work could begin.

Just a little bit of repetition of "laptop" here. I think simply going for something like "computer" could work just as well and avoid repetition.

> his piggy eyes running all over my body like slime,

Similarly, there was just a bit of repetition of "piggy eyes" here and with the boss. Just stood out to me. If you want to keep it, you could insinuate that the boss and John are related I suppose. Father and son, thereby explaining why he acts as he does. But just a small thought I had whilst typing this.

> Damn, he worked fast!

I'm not too sure what this meant. Are you saying that she was surprised he sprung the drinks thing so soon? Because it seemed pretty reasonable to me, as it's said that they were taking the new girl out for drinks. But not sure.

> I carefully lined my oversized handbag with a heavy-duty plastic bag to pour all the drinks I was not about to drink

Again, just a bit of repetition of "drink" here. No biggie.

> “Fighting for Fairness!”, I raised my fist into the air and exclaimed, “Oh yes I am. This is for you Sarah!”.

This felt a bit silly to me. First off, shouldn't she be afraid of someone overhearing? Or has everyone left already? And even if they had, it still is a bit strange, no? I don't know, might just be me.

YTB!

I hope this helps.

Good Words!

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LivelyFox3737 t1_jc9061j wrote

Thanks, Fye! Yet again your astute eye has picked up on some very important bits and bobs.
The Boss and John are actually one and the same, hence the use of piggy eyes twice which I thought would make this evident, but apparently not. Thank goodness you're here to help point these things out.
NYTB!

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FyeNite t1_jca5p8s wrote

I see! Lol, that's way simpler. I was thinking you were trying to imply this was a father-son thing. Lol, trust me to overcomplicate things. But glad you found the feedback helpful!

NYTB!

Good Words!

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LivelyFox3737 t1_jcclaw5 wrote

I always find your feedback very helpful! There's a real skill in giving good feedback and crit...I just don't have it, hopefully, I'll improve and learn from people like you as time goes on. It means so much to us scribblers of words.

No, you didn't overcomplicate, the wonderful Kat also got confused thinking there were perhaps 2 characters. Of course you didn't because YTB.

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FyeNite t1_jcdczxe wrote

Aww, thank you! And I guess, that's how I feel about you and your guys' writing. Seriously, you blow me away with what you come up with every week. It's amazing and a pleasure to read. And an honour to give feedback too.

And glad to hear my confusion wasn't limited to me, haha.

YTB

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katpoker666 t1_jccbii9 wrote

Hey Lively—I really liked the MC here and her approach to doing the right thing!

A couple small notes—

  1. You may want to introduce John Harris by name when you first mention him as the piggy eyed boss. The logic is just it took me out for a tenth of a second because I wondered if there might be two piggy eyed guys in the office. You then can also cut a little bit of either of the descriptions as while they’re fantastic they do repeat the concept of sleazy boss slightly:

>>Not that my new boss had done anything more than give it a cursory glance, his small piggy eyes had been too busy feasting upon my cleavage. The job had been mine from the moment I had left an extra button undone on my blouse. Brains need not apply.

>>”You can’t leave now!”, exclaimed John Harris, his florid face suddenly peering around the door, his piggy eyes running all over my body like slime, apparently still unable to find my eyes.

  1. this made me a little uncomfortable as the MC was playing into the game a bit too much for me:

>> The job had been mine from the moment I had left an extra button undone on my blouse.

Otherwise, most enjoyable:)

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LivelyFox3737 t1_jccm7u6 wrote

Thanks, Kat. I'm grateful for your feedback as always. The wonderful Fye also got confused as you did in 1. The point is definitely taken! Thanks for highlighting your issue in 2. You've given me pause for thought on how I could have tackled this differently.

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