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AstroRide t1_ix6b3i5 wrote

##Hellfire

Satan walked into the room with his best suit. Well, it was the most appropriate for the situation. His best suit was made from the skin of sinners and was threaded with their screams. Jehovah made his disgusts known to Satan several times.

Jehovah's office was an understated display of power. Extinct birds flew in the air above him. The chairs were the perfect size and comfort for their occupants, but they didn't look expensive. The water was always the correct temperature. It was enough to make even Satan feel comfortable.

"I'm glad you could meet with me." Jehovah shook Satan's hand. The grip was firm and supportive. "I know you have a busy schedule."

"It's alright. It's nice to get out of Hell every so often," Satan said.

"I'd imagine. How are things down there?"

"Well, we..." Satan paused. He recently created a new feet crusher, but Jehovah wouldn't like to hear that. "There's a new noise machine."

"That's good." Jehovah pulled out a sheet of paper. "So I'd hate to do this." He slid the paper.

"You're...firing me?" Satan looked up.

"All of Hell is going," Jehovah nods.

"Why? I thought the point of Hell was torturing bad humans. There are certainly a lot of them."

"That's not your role."

"What are you talking about? My name literally means adversary. I'm supposed to be the enemy of all that is good." Satan stood and unleashed a pillar of fire that incinerated everything. God recreated it quickly.

"You're name also means accuser. You were supposed to challenge humans to help them grow and change. When you torture them, they don't change. To be honest, I think you like torturing them."

"Of course I like it. Removing tongues is enjoyable. If you wanted me to help them grow, you shouldn't have made Hell a place for eternal damnation." Satan shouted and unleashed a plague on the world. Jehovah tapped Satan on the head. Satan calmed himself. "Alright, I'll stop doing that, but you've got to have a good reason."

"Actually, I do." God waved his hand creating a word in the sky that read Purgatory. Beneath it was a large hill.

"What's that?"

"It's a place closer to my original goal. A place where humans are given the opportunity to grow and change. I want you and your staff to oversee it as a second chance," Jehovah said.

"Why didn't you lead with that?"

"Because I knew power had corrupted you, and I wanted you to understand that for yourself." Satan rubbed the back of his head.

"You're right. I have become quite sadistic and egotistical."

"It's alright. You have an opportunity to change your ways. Like the humans."

r/AstroRideWrites

86

Financial_Number_964 t1_ix781lq wrote

"You're... firing me?" Satan says. The shock riddles over Satan's face

"Sounds about right!" God heartily replies, throwing his hand onto Satan's shoulder and digging in with a firm grip.

"What'd I do?" Satan notices God's grin gleaming at him and begins to worry. "Which genocide was it? Were the plagues too much?... Did I go over the children's death limit?" Satan enjoyed his position. He would do anything to keep it since it took centuries to climb the ranks of evil.

"No, no, you sinister child. You are doing your job just fine. As always, the Earth is plagued with injustice and hatred to balance out the good. The problem lies with my son"

"With...your son?"

"Yes. You see, my son made a bit of a promise to the humans, a promise he does not intend to break." God sighs and his smile twitches. "I constantly reminded him not to make any ridiculous statements that will cause trouble later on. Even when he told me he would not, I could tell the boy was about to stir hope within those humans. How could I deny him? I designed him to be so..."

"Well, what does the promise have to do with me?" Satan frowns.

"My son promised the humans a paradise, eternal youth, and forever happiness. He cannot pursue his promise if evil's existence is preventing it. So, you and your demons must step down." God rubs his temples. He had tried to shield his dismay earlier with a grin but failed to hide his annoyance any longer.

"Absurd!" Satan boomed. "Does your foolish son understand what humans even are? Humans were not designed to be perfect little creations! I was the one who deformed them into their intended selves. Explain to that boy the truth! If humans are given perfection and eternity. Their souls will bear no heart! No personality! No passion! They will be like empty mannequins laughing together like fools, devoid of heart! Even the animals would become empty! Humans are imperfect so they can crave the empty space they cannot fill. It is what drives them to live and carve a path for themselves! Without evil, good cannot exist. Likewise for the good! The balance cannot be broken otherwise all your creations are damned!" Satan spits at God's feet.

"I know. That is why I want you to step away for a while" He pats Satan's head. "Do not worry child, you will return to your position. I will use my son's promise as a lesson. He will carry it out and watch it unfold."

"You and your lessons!" Satan snaps. He turns his body and storms off into the abyss.

171

MoonOmens22 t1_ix7hzj9 wrote

“You’re… firing me?” Satan looked on in confusion. “Actually, we’re liquidating your whole sector. Every last demon.” God replied.

That was six hours ago.

The Man certainly did follow through with his statement, firing, or as they liked to call it "letting go" of every single demon in Satan's sector. You name it, God fired it, whether they be Succubus, Reaper, Imp, Tieflings, even the Bahumat's, who promptly set fire to the break room, but you know.... nothing I could do about it. Oh, also no severance packages, what the hell dude?!
I'd been stressing out about this so much that I broke the you know, tiny little coffee pod machine thingy (it burnt me, which very much hurt, so I dropped it off the top of the building, bye bye tiny little hand burny drink maker, burn in Hell!)
My assistant, Lucifer also wasn't happy about the situation, and our conversation went a little something like this.
Me: "Lucifer..... Our sector's being liquidated. Okay bye!"
Lucifer: *filing nails* "Oh that's nice..... wait what?!"
Me: "Yup. The big man said, so now I have to fire... sorry 'let go' of about a million spirits and demons, and just hope to heavens the unions don't get involved"
Lucifer: "Hey, that'll be Gods problem if that happens"
Me: "Yeah, but that won't stop them from going after me. The press won't leave me alone for weeks after this is all over, my face of humiliation will be all over the news"
Lucifer: "You have a very handsome though"
Me: "True"
Lucifer: "Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays, moving on from the impending doom. Is our date still on tonight?"
Me: "What do you think? I have the whole sector to let go, clear out our floor, settle any disputes, clear the finances, shut the servers, oh and tell Linda from hospitality that I won't be coming to the Christmas party"
Lucifer: "So..... that's a yes?"

Gosh sometimes I forget how much of a moron Lucifer could be, I swear to God he lacks half his brains cells most of the time. I don't really know why I hired the the man, he's more style over substance, but then again.... damn he was moighty fine. Blonde hair, blue eyes, soft yet sleek face (I'd seen his skin care routine on FaceBible, I now know why he is half an hour late to work every morning), always showing up in some sort of fashionable suit accented by his black horns and tail. Always late, he was an idiot, but he was my idiot.
I turned away and sighed in disappointment, ashamed of my boyfriend/assistant's stupidity. I didn't have time for this, and if I did, I still wouldn't care for it. Listen, he was a great boyfriend, cute, funny, drop dead gorgeous, but he sucked at being an assistant, the only reason I hired him was because I pitied whoever else would have, now look where I was. He forget to send me my meeting times, any missed calls, my memos, and he could only just remember my Coffee order. Iced Black coffee with two pumps of caramel and a dash of almond milk.
I grumbled, not wanting to deal with this anymore.
"I'm off to yell at God again" I said walking out of the room.

6

qj-_-tp t1_ix7u8o3 wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#599,661)

Heaven gets the same deal.
Good folks can make Heaven seem real.
When you’re down on your luck,
And your friends give a fuck,
Your reward is the love you all feel.

1

sweet_sorrow_ t1_ix817ou wrote

###Satan's Revenge

####Chapter 1 – Firestarter

“You’re… firing me?” Satan looked on in confusion.

“Actually, we’re liquidating your whole sector. Every last demon.” God replied.

“What? Why?” Satan asked.

“It’s not personal, it’s just business. We’re downsizing and you’re the first to go. I’m sorry.” God said.

Satan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had been with the company for millennia and had never once been late on a quota. In fact, he had always been one of the top performers in his sector. And now, suddenly, he was being let go? It didn't make any sense.

He begged and pleaded with God, but it was no use. The decision had been made and there was nothing Satan could do about it. Dejected, he gathered up his things and left his office for the last time.

As he walked through the halls of the underworld, he could feel the eyes of all the other demons on him. They knew what had happened. But Satan refused to show weakness. He held his head high.

Satan exited through the gates, entering the empty void of nothingness. Clenching the box with all of his belongings ever tighter, he felt anger and hatred darkening his soul. Something had to be done.

Satan arrived at his dwelling, threw his stuff on the ground and let out a primal scream of anger while ripping his robe off his body. Satan set fire to it all and then stared into the flames, his mind consumed with one thought:

God had to die.

####Chapter 2 – Becoming

He kept staring at the flames. He was overcome by an urge to touch them, inching closer to the heat. They were so beautiful, mesmerizing. He felt himself being pulled in.

He reached into the fire. It didn’t hurt. How could that be? He let the flames dance around his hand and licking his arm. Astonished, he leaned forward, letting the flames engulf his upper body, filling him with an indescribable sense of satisfaction. He had never felt so powerful. Satan stepped into the fire, drew a deep breath and laughed and laughed uncontrollably. There, in the ashes of his former self, he stood shaking – not from pain but from hate so powerful it had become a dark euphoric sense of power. His body was consumed by the flames. They made him feel alive. He was transformed. He was invincible.

He was Satan, the Lord of Darkness, and he would have his revenge.

Satan knew that he couldn't just kill God. He wanted to make God suffer the way he was suffering. He wanted to make God feel the pain of losing everything.

He considered various methods of torture and torment, but none of them seemed fitting. He wanted something that would truly make God suffer.

Then, it came to him.

####Chapter 3 – The Plan

He would create his own universe, one where he was the god and humans were the demons. One where humans would know nothing but pain and suffering. One where they would be eternally damned to an eternity of torment.

He would make God believe that he could save the humans from evil by becoming human himself. This would play right into Satan's hands without God realizing it. Satan would ensnare every single human being, defiling and destroying God's creation in the process.

Satan began to put his plan into action, and it was diabolically brilliant. He knew that he had to be patient, but the wait would be well worth it.

He waited for eons, biding his time as he watched the humans suffer. They were so easy to manipulate and control. So easy to deceive.

And then, the moment he had been waiting for finally arrived. God incarnated as a man and walked among them.

Satan was there, waiting for him.

He tempted God with the same things he had tempted humans with since the beginning of time: power, wealth, lust. But God resisted temptation and remained pure.

So Satan changed tactics and began tempting God with something much more subtle: pride. The pride of thinking that he could save humanity from evil by becoming human himself. The pride of thinking that he was better than they were. The pride of thinking that he knew what was best for them.

####Chapter 4 – Death Almighty

One night Satan appeared before Jesus, God's embodiment in flesh, and said: "You think your holy little mission will succeed, don’t you? Hear me when I say, humanity was doomed ever since the beginning. I am the true creator of this world. I have been planning for this moment all along. You are nothing but a worthless pawn, acting out a perfectly scripted part in my game.“

"The humans will never accept you as their savior.” Jesus answered. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Satan laughed a wicked laugh and said: “Don’t you see? They don’t need a savior! They don’t want to be saved! They enjoy wallowing in their sins! Lying and stealing, selling their daughters, committing adultery with their neighbors' wives, overindulging in fine wine and fat things full of marrow. Their very nature is evil for I created them so.”

Jesus, visibly upset, retorted: “No! They are not evil! They are lost and they need to be found.”

With a loud crashing rumble, Satan's dark figure grew even darker, rising up above the trees. With a booming voice he continued:

“They don’t want to be found. They like being lost. All men are eternally damned. They are all my slaves and I am their Master – Satan, their true creator and Lord. And now you have joined them. A mere human, subject to all the same weaknesses and temptations. You are not their father – I am. You are not their God anymore – I am.”

Jesus stood shaking his head in disbelief. “No, that is impossible! You lying snake, only God could…”

Satan reached out his hand and grabbed Jesus' neck. Jesus was lifted off the ground, choking and gasping for air.

“You are blind and weak! You dethroned yourself! There is no God! There is no light! Only darkness rules the Earth! You were a fool to become a man. In your pride, you thought you could save humanity from evil by becoming human yourself. And you, my dear Jesus, are going to die just like them – a weak and powerless human being. And I… I am become Death Almighty.”

With those words, Satan snapped Jesus' neck and cast his body into the abyss.

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armorhide406 t1_ix894ow wrote

"What the fuck, dad?"

"You heard me."

"It's out of my hands, son."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not? You called me 'dad'."

Lucifer sighed. "What's this about?"

Of course it was about the humans. Dad's pet project. But as father and son sat down to watch Earth from Above, Lucifer noticed small points of light leaving.

"They finally got the space program up again?"

God nodded. "Take a closer look, Luci."

The ships all had the same logo on them. A circle, flanked by two smaller circles above, like a simplistic rendering of a mouse. God gestured at another of his scrying mirrors. No new souls passing on from their mortal coils.

"You remember Walter Disney?"

"Of course," Lucifer shuddered. All the atrocities committed in his name.

"Turns out his corporation," God paused at the word. "Became quite busy some time after I went hands off. You were always more interested in mortal affairs. Did you notice anything in the past few centuries?"

Lucifer had to think. Aside from acquiring other major companies, Lucifer didn't really pay them much mind. Then he noticed the human standing there.

"Father, who is that?"

"Oh that's Bailey. So, uh, funny story. Disney apparently owns all of humanity now and they're not letting anyone die. Something about copyright law and Disney Deaths. My hands are tied, son, I can't do anything to bargain with them so I gave them Hell."

"You what?"

22

Juggs_gotcha t1_ix9lyfz wrote

"The fuck you are!" He yelled, slamming his suddenly incandescent fist down on the ornate marble table between them, "We had a you-damned deal."

That rat bastard of a cloud skrogging apes.

Ten-thousand years. Signed in divine blood and wrapped in their names. He was given ten-thousand years to convince the population that this shyster over here was as full of crap as he was proving himself to be now and to convert them to believing in their own destiny.

He got to hand pick his own angels to make it happen and he'd chosen the best and brightest of the up and comers. The hungry ones, the ones who still cared about making a difference in the endpoints for eternity. They'd given the malignant sonofabitch exactly one-thousand years to make his case and prove his brand, and then they were allowed to start making their counter arguments.

A great flood? Please, easily demonstrable as a fiction and leading to all kinds of awkward questions regarding repopulation. And, worse, he'd used that same trick at various scales some half dozen times. The bastard had an absolute rager for incest voyeurism, and it made his horns crawl.

Then there was the whole age thing. Why in his own hells this idiot had married creating the world in seven days and the entire world being some 6,500 years old, when they both knew it had taken around four billion and change was beyond him. All you had to do was look a the dirt to figure out that shit wasn't kosher. The rocks didn't get up and move themselves across the fucking planet now did they?

He leaned over and hawked a glob of magma onto the iridescent clouds upon which they sat, watching it fizzle into something some hopeful ape would wish upon. Shortly after, some pitiful loser won the lottery and found new ways to ruin their own lives.

"You signed the contract. I signed the contract. Sol witnessed. Didn't you?" He addressed the gravitationally collapsed nuclear furnace over there which winked once for yes.

A couple of satellites cooked in the solar wind. Meh, you know about electromagnetic shielding, you're welcome, by the way, so stop cheaping out.

The being across the table folded its ephemeral arms, pouting.

"It's only been 1022 years since we started keeping score and look at them!" He gestured vaguely towards that marvelous blue pearl.

"Nuclear reactors? Antibiotics? Public transportation? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? And you! Bubonic plague was a dirty damned trick and you know it!" Bitched Yaweh.

"Hah!" He scoffed, brushing ash off his shoulder, "What better way to prove to them you didn't give a shit than to let a quarter of them sit around plagued to death waiting for you to come along and save them?"

"But Noooo, your paradise awaiteth ye in the kingdom of heaven, you said." He mocked, the deep booming voice with a distinctly nasal addition of his own.

"Well there's a big difference between reaching heaven at the end of a long, productive, emotionally enriched life of self determination rather than wallowing in your own shit listening to the only literate man in the village tell you soap is my work. Even if it is! Who the fuck cares where it came from if it keeps you from experiencing the absolute joy that is the Cholera that YOU made?" he screamed across the table.

Yaweh, looked down at his knuckles, murmering, "It sounded like fun at the time."

Oh a god of great jokes was this one.

"Look, enough with the shit. It's right here in divine fire. I get 10,000 years after giving you one unimpeded, to prove that the only way forward is through human achievement." He read, continuing to mouth the words written long ago, "If in the event the mortals extinct themselves through their own actions, this contract shall be null and void."

"What part of liquidating my department, which is lawfully doing my work and half of whom are devoted solely to keeping the blasted moon in place, is anywhere written here?" He demanded.

The glowing form reached over and pointed to the thirty-fifth clause.

"Wherein the demons of hell will be bound unto their dark master, who may not be freed from his pit until the end of days, the sounding of seven horns, etc. etc."

"Right there. You're bound, you are to stay right there in the hell I made for you, working only through your minions and those they damn." The self satisfied schmuck gloated.

Satan slapped his forehead, claws dragging trails of fire and sparks over his skin, the squealing of metal scraping metal ringing out through the meeting space.

"Where the fuck do you think I've been this whole time? Eden? Nirvana? I can't even get that jerkwad Buddha to answer a you-damned phone call. Ohh nooo! Not him. Not Mr. To Have a Self That Answers Your Call is to be Bound to the Wheel of Karma!"

Yaweh pointed at the myriad glowing lights that spanned the planet.

"And how do you explain the me-damned electricity eh? They just come up with that all on their own?" He challenged.

Satan leaned forward over the table hands to either of his temples rubbing them at the sheer incompetence of this creature across from him.

"You did that. What were they supposed to do when you kept smiting them with lightning? OOH Zeus, OOh Thor, and on and on you sat there with that smug look, so happy with how scared they were. It didn't occur to you that they might want a little of that action for themselves? And don't ask me again about Nikolai Tesla, the man was an anomaly. I spent half a century trying to figure out if one of mine went rogue and incarnated. Nope. That was all them, a genetic fucking act of you." He cried.

They sat there in silence for a moment that stretched for a season.

"And what about quantum mechanics?" the Creator of All asked, skeptically.

"Phaw!" the damner of Man scoffed, "We both know that's bullshit. But they're getting close to the real answer and you'd better watch your fluffy ass when that happens."

1