Submitted by mechsuit-jalapeno t3_122uzib in nottheonion
Comments
charface1 t1_jds2d9g wrote
Constant Prayer Requests
HardPawns t1_jds2lam wrote
Well, if he don’t resurrect by the end of easter they should just fire that lazy prick.
Imnomaly t1_jds3mm4 wrote
The consequences of him resurrecting right on Easter would be disastrous
LRsNephewsHorse t1_jdsbidc wrote
I'm still waiting for updates on Generalissimo Francisco Franco.
BuffaloInCahoots t1_jdsdk30 wrote
They must not be praying hard enough. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
TheLairyLemur t1_jdsgbp7 wrote
Why would you post a paywalled article without pasting the contents in the comments?
Speeddemon2016 t1_jdsuf37 wrote
I wonder who’s job it is to go in and poke him with a stick?
jumpsteadeh t1_jdt1841 wrote
How many eggs did you hide inside of the priest?
Blackstrider t1_jdt2cak wrote
I mean… is there more you needed to know?
Blackstrider t1_jdt2etx wrote
Clearly they haven’t paid the church enough.
Woffingshire t1_jdt7vmv wrote
Who does this guy think he is that he can pull the same moves as Jesus, the actual son of God?
Fabiankh5757 t1_jdt9rcu wrote
The world is really full of fools.
nosmelc t1_jdt9yxo wrote
Jesus did it in three days. This guy is just a slacker.
Fracture_98 t1_jdta1zb wrote
Oh, jeez. I just realized we shouldn't have screwed the lid shut!
Ok-Communication9796 t1_jdtaqu0 wrote
tots and pears
sklos70 t1_jdtcsz5 wrote
I bet it's an insurance scam. Open the coffin; it will be full of rocks.
sklos70 t1_jdtdwjr wrote
Well I'm sure there have been plenty who have done it without being so narcissistic as to point to thematically and say "See? Control over death. My Dad is God". I reckon there are plenty of untapped and unaccredited performances in the bigger religions too like Islam, Hinduism, and the grandaddy of reincarnation claims, Buddhism.
Existentialidiot83 t1_jdtf6u1 wrote
Haha 👍 😄 🤣 😂
painthawg_goose t1_jdtf9hl wrote
Devils advocacy, it’s gotta be tougher for an amateur. But, once you hit double digit days I sorta feel like you either aren’t trying or maybe mid-read the runes.
phred_666 t1_jdtgycu wrote
They just need to send more thoughts and prayers. That works every time.
SexPanther_Bot t1_jdtgzvs wrote
60% of the time, it works every time
Lokarin t1_jdtlnhf wrote
Maybe he pulled a Jesus and resurrected "spiritually"
...apologetics is so silly
FerrickAsur4 t1_jdtmps4 wrote
an eggstreme amount
somekennyguy t1_jdtpjlx wrote
Has he been embalmed... Or is there just some dude rotting to prove a point
ringobob t1_jdtq2uz wrote
I profess myself curious as to why "dead guy still dead" is worthy of an article this particular time.
Then_Ad_9624 t1_jdtv3jt wrote
If he’s not resurrected by Easter we’re legally allowed to leave
Rosebunse t1_jdtzql6 wrote
Isn't there a whole thing about not tempting God or telling God what to do?
Matrix_Interface t1_jdu8cja wrote
Arriba españa!
DamnBunny t1_jdu8pua wrote
Well...He ain't getting any deader; back to work.
EdgarBopp t1_jducje2 wrote
Just steal the body and then claim people saw him alive again. Worked before.
oldgar t1_jdudh6u wrote
He will rise again after a time, and when this happens he has chosen to rise as flies.
supagirl277 t1_jdufsoh wrote
Schrödinger’s ressurection
supagirl277 t1_jdufvmr wrote
It’s ridiculous, cause he was supposed to have even gone around and had people touch the wounds in his hands so people believed it was actually him in the same body. He peaced out pretty quick after that anyway.
jjjdddmmm t1_jdugxhr wrote
ReLiGiOn
KaisarDragon t1_jdugziq wrote
He really lacking in the Gulag.
jsuwangsa t1_jduhbrd wrote
Didn't set the right respawn point.
youngmindoldbody t1_jduhv4z wrote
Jeeze, the resurrected always appear floating nearby in a very holy and respectful manner; no reason to bring sex into this.
/s
PorousArcanine t1_jdui269 wrote
The biblical 15 minutes
[deleted] t1_jdujtse wrote
[deleted]
VukKiller t1_jduk8ge wrote
How does this work?
Is he still on payroll?
SpookyLilRaven t1_jdukbaf wrote
Maybe that’s the issue? Maybe the stick dude isn’t doing his job?
Puzzleheaded_Pay2466 t1_jdun3pp wrote
They waited 2000 years for Jesus to return. What a year or 2 at the morgue.
BriskHeartedParadox t1_jdun4kj wrote
0 for the last 2023 years. Next one is it though, I feel it!
fuckedbymath t1_jdurfai wrote
What about now?
99BottlesOfBass t1_jdus9ca wrote
Eggcellent
davewave3283 t1_jduttok wrote
Church Payment Requirements
Happy_Trails4u t1_jduu5fo wrote
Just a couple more minutes, guys...
VulcanForceChoke t1_jduulzc wrote
Pokes pastor come on. Do something
Alundra828 t1_jduv6k3 wrote
Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves, for the statement that I am about to make is one that has been debated for centuries and is at the very core of some of the world's oldest and most influential belief systems. It's a statement that has sparked countless philosophical and theological discussions, and has been the subject of intense scrutiny by some of history's greatest minds. Are you ready for it? Here it comes: "The guy didn't resurrect because resurrection isn't possible."
AMAZING
Korchagin t1_jduw93k wrote
A lack of money is more likely. So many of God's plans fail because of that, it's hard to believe...
valarionch t1_jduwwyj wrote
Why is this a thing? 😂
LilG1984 t1_jduzjg7 wrote
Dr Frankenstein enters the chat
"Igor, ready my equipment!!"
"Yes, master!'
Schrodinger_cube t1_jdv01vu wrote
Well after a year id not want to be the one to open that box as its going to be a horrific suprise regardless lol.
somekennyguy t1_jdv0xqm wrote
The anti-bento box
electricvelvet t1_jdv16vi wrote
Jesus: "finger my holes"
Single_Principle_972 t1_jdv1cpl wrote
Ha! That was my first thought but figured I’d be the only one old enough to remember!
BigTex77RR t1_jdv2oed wrote
He is and thank fuck for that
Signed,
Anarchists, Communists, Liberals, Spanish Separatists, and Spanish Republicans
charface1 t1_jdv320o wrote
This is probably way more accurate than mine was.
whiskeyvacation t1_jdv4hlm wrote
Yep. If your pastor doesn't own a private jet and a Ferrari, god doesn't care about you.
forebareWednesday t1_jdv5c49 wrote
How do we do this with jesus? Isnt he supposed to be coming back on easter? Somebody film it.
ImpulseAfterthought t1_jdv5ooe wrote
>"The guy didn't resurrect because resurrection isn't possible."
Not with that attitude.
Khyron_2500 t1_jdv7qd8 wrote
Imagine if he did actually get resurrected only to die again in cold storage. All because stick dude didn’t check him every day.
magpye1983 t1_jdv95ew wrote
Imagine being the intern they tricked with the job of “make sure the dead guy hasn’t come back yet.”!
davewave3283 t1_jdvb5gk wrote
Both are equally applicable
[deleted] t1_jdvcdg3 wrote
[removed]
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Ear_Helpful t1_jdvm4sd wrote
Why? Did he say he will come back to life or something?
Nadaplanet t1_jdwbujq wrote
>The guy didn't resurrect because resurrection isn't possible.
Sure it's possible, provided you have the correct spell components, the target didn't die of old age, and you're at least a 13th level cleric or bard.
arandil1 t1_jdwevuk wrote
Our top story tonight… !
whoknowsthef t1_jdwnwlk wrote
There was a Godman in India by the name of Ashutosh Maharaj who died in 2014 and his body is still in a freezer if I am not wrong. His followers believe he is in deep mediation and will come out of it.
CrawlerSiegfriend t1_jdwxs58 wrote
Don't worry it's still in the works. Resurrection request got held up in accounting.
Single_Principle_972 t1_jdx8vb7 wrote
…OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT - Garrett Morris, shouting, decades before pc!
vimefer t1_je0smdq wrote
Pfff Jean Hilliard and Vincent Tolman did it. This guy is just lazy.
AhRedditAhHumanity t1_je27ta9 wrote
Should be in r/unexpected because I think we all expected him to rise
WaytoomanyUIDs t1_je9o5o9 wrote
It is only $2.77
TheLairyLemur t1_jeb0wde wrote
I guess you're happy to post it in full for us then?
shahooster t1_jds10rj wrote
Have they tried CPR.