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late_apexes t1_j1omrz0 wrote

Garbage. I caught my wife cheating on me this last Tuesday. Things have been insane. After lots of talks, we decided to stick it out through the holidays so we could make good on all the Christmas planning. Today we went to my dad's house, as we do every year. We open gifts, relax, then head there. She has no family in the area. She was a total fucking asshole at my dad's house the entire time. I had not told my family about this, we agreed to keep things nice and to make a Christmas for our kid. We get home, she has the nuts to apologize. When I wasn't exactly in love with the apology, she got pissed again.

Christmas went great for our 7 year old. I'm sure he noticed some of what is going on, but mostly we did well. My wife is a total piece of shit though.

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TobyTheWeasel t1_j1ov8jz wrote

I feel your pain. I went through something very similar a year ago (around the exact same time and with a young child).

We are all different and of course your road is going to be different, but the following are my own take aways.

  1. Get to therapy (if you aren't already).

  2. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. She is probably being an ass because she is freaking the fuck out on the inside. (Let me be clear, there are consequences for her choices. You also have every right to feel what you are feeling, but take a step back from the feelings and try to use some logic). 2.a. I know she made a mistake and it hurts, but don't bust her balls about it (DO hold her accountable though). As I tell my child, anger begets anger begets anger (adult speak- circle jerk of anger).

  3. There is a thing called Collaborative divorce. Probably best you google and read. Instead of me butchering the explanation. Lol. It is an option if you don't want to be at each other's throats in court. This requires some trust though. Just an option.

  4. Talk to a lawyer right away.

  5. Watch your joint accounts (can never be to careful).

  6. Find an outlet for your feelings.

  7. Stay strong, brave and compassionate (this shit will test you as a human being).

  8. You and your kid are most important (as hard as this might be, that means the "relationship" with your kid's mother is kind of important too - I'm talking about some form of respect).

I do hope something here helps.

Sorry again to hear you are going through this and my thoughts go out to you. Best of luck and remember to stay human!

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late_apexes t1_j1pu7an wrote

Thank you for this. My anger is slowly subsiding and I am starting to get back to being able to talk to her about things. I spoke briefly with an attorney two days after I found out and have another meeting with the attorney today. I told her I have an attorney and she lost it. Thing got real for her.

Over the last six or seven months she has done really well at work. I caught her because a coworker said I should be concerned about her and her boss. I called her out. She broke down. I don’t actually think they did anything physical. I think there was some serious flirting and serious intention to cheat at some point. Had I not caught them, it would have happened eventually. She even admitted so. The best part is that in her panic she went to the IT department to see if they could find the person who contacted me. I have refused to turn that person over since they’d surely get fired. Anyways, IT asked her what the nature of the information was. She explained it was in regards to a relations ship with the boss. The boss is also the CEO. So the IT department immediately sent the claim to HR because they didn’t want to touch it. Now my wife is in big trouble and may very likely lose her job. You cant make this stuff up. What was she thinking? On top of that I spoke with the CEO’s wife and explained the situation. She barely seemed interested. They have three kids. I assume this has happened before. My wife got used and ruined our family doing it.

I have been sleeping in the guest room. It’s allowed me some time to myself. I am sending my son to my parents for this week since he is off school. I plan to stay at a friends house during this time. A little break for both my wife and I. I don’t think what she did is unforgivable. I have offered to reconcile, I have offered to do counseling. She has however refused to leave her job, and for me that is a deal breaker. Her job is good, but it’s not cheat on her husband, get caught, and still stay good. We aren’t installing a helicopter pad any time soon due to that income, the job is replaceable. It seems obvious, she no longer wants to be in this relationship. She’s just too chicken to do it the way she should have done it. I’ve been broken up with before. I’ve broken up with people before. You have to be an adult, she didn’t manage that. We have a kid and a home and cars, and I think she looked around and saw she had a good life, too much to lose, but just didn’t want to be with me anymore. So she cheated. Keep the stuff, keep the life, get the extra spicy work place sneak around affair. A brutal reality that will ripple through our lives until we die.

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MaynardWaltrip OP t1_j1one4b wrote

Holy smokes. I am so sorry. Lock down your social media and call a lawyer. She can be pissed all she wants but you’ve got her by the balls if you want to. Good luck.

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late_apexes t1_j1oo0fa wrote

Yeah. I called her out. She kind of admitted it. My friend sent me the contact, so I have an attorney. He recommended I snoop her texts. It killed me, but I did it. It's a smoking gun. She realized I have the texts, and is losing her shit. It's not even remotely pretty. Especially with a 7 year old. I've asked her to leave by the 15th of January. It's an absolutely gut wrenching situation. I am about to lose 40% of my household income, plus a percentage in alimony, plus my son 50% of the time. And of course tons of other shit. All because she cheated.

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MisanthropicFriend t1_j1oq1na wrote

I can’t imagine what that must feel like, I’m really sorry sir. :/

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late_apexes t1_j1oro6o wrote

She could have left but instead decided to cheat. Cheating is basically meaningless legally, according to my attorney. This will be be my first and last marriage. I took care of her and my son in every way. I'm an idiot for getting married.

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PoorGuyCrypto t1_j1ppg53 wrote

You aren't an idiot for getting married. Love is beautiful and we've been culturally conditioned that love + time = marriage.

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late_apexes t1_j1pviir wrote

Never again will I get married. I am going to lose everything in this divorce. Getting married was the biggest mistake of my life. I will love again though.

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PoorGuyCrypto t1_j1pwama wrote

Learning from a mistake pretty much THE sign of "not an idiot."

Cut yourself a ton of slack. People do shitty things and we all get caught in the crossfire.

I'm divorced. I probably won't do it again... but the mistake wasn't necessarily marriage. It was my choice of person.

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late_apexes t1_j1pyuuo wrote

The problem I have is that my wife more or less refused to work for years. Yes, we have a child. Yes she was a stay at home mom. But to get by I worked two jobs, some times three to get us by. I have a masters degree and a decent full time job but life is expensive. I managed to buy our house by selling basically all of the things I had that were fun. My motorcycles for example. I got a small inheritance as well. Then I beg borrowed and stole my way into making it happen. She is going to take that from me and she contributed basically nothing asides from just being with me. She’s a good mom, but she’s never worked hard on much of anything. On top of that, now I will see my son 50% of the time I did before. It’s just such a bleak and brutal reality. I feel like a real dickhead.

Here is an interesting part of this story. After we had a bit of blow up in regards to this all, she begged me to have another kid. For years she has said that she is “one and done.” Years and years she’d say that. How do you go from a trying to fuck your boss, cheat on your husband, to wanting to have another kid?

I don’t know who this person is.

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FlshTuxedoPinkTrpedo t1_j1qs86s wrote

I’m sorry for your situation, but I’m entirely invested in your story now. Please keep us updated. You’ll get though this.

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HedgeRunner t1_j1vpi4k wrote

Goddamn man, I replied to one of your initial reply but reading all these details really infuriates me. When you have some time to process and deal with all this shit and craziness, hit me up if you're down and let me buy you a drink.

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pittbiomed t1_j1pncvb wrote

Infidelity doesn’t mean much at all in a divorce in PA though . The courts don’t care who did what unless it’s a civil matter and someone is suing for $ . First hand experience on that one here lol

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ManyariMagda t1_j1rxv8r wrote

You deserve to be held in love, honesty, and mutual effort. I hope you choose yourself and let her go. Sending love and strength.

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HedgeRunner t1_j1vohjx wrote

Damn that's fucked up mate. Sending good vibes (and a rocket) over.

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