I asked Chat GPT to generate 10 headlines about Pittsburgh in the style of The Onion.

Submitted by solarbot88 t3_10oncl0 in pittsburgh

  1. "Pittsburgh Named Most Liveable City...Again, Residents Ask What's the Catch?"

  2. "Study Finds 90% of Pittsburgh Drivers Actually Just Follow the Car in Front of Them"

  3. "City of Pittsburgh Announces Plan to Turn Every River into Primitive Water Slide Park"

  4. "Pittsburgh Man Shocked to Discover Primanti Bros. Sandwich Not Actually a Health Food"

  5. "Local Steeler's Fan Forced to Admit He's Only Watched Two Games This Season, But Still Calls Himself a Die-Hard"

  6. "City Council Debates Whether to Rename Mount Washington to 'Mount Burrito Hill"

  7. "Report Finds Pittsburgh Snow Plows Mostly Just Push Snow to Other Neighborhoods"

  8. "Local Man Insists on Wearing Terrible Towel to Every Possible Occasion, Including Dentist Appointments"

  9. "City to Replace All Traffic Lights with Intersection-Sized Bumper Cars for More 'Pittsburgh-Style' Commutes"

  10. "Pittsburgh Announces Plan to Turn Every Street into Incline for Tourists, Residents to Climb to Their Homes."

784

Comments

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iSoReddit t1_j6frg5c wrote

> "Report Finds Pittsburgh Snow Plows Mostly Just Push Snow to Other Neighborhoods"

Most accurate

381

4000Tacos t1_j6fxw5g wrote

The entire community of Brookline would agree with this.

72

aesthetichovvell t1_j6g41gr wrote

My dead end street in Arlington got plowed before the somewhat major Street my boyfriend lives on in Brookline lol, I do notice the difference between neighborhoods

19

cpr4life8 t1_j6g5l1l wrote

My dead end street in Brookline was plowed around 8:30am and I was really surprised they got to it that early. And then by that afternoon all the snow had melted anyway 😂

9

aesthetichovvell t1_j6g5orf wrote

lol they only do it when it's about to melt anyway it feels like

3

cpr4life8 t1_j6g6gbh wrote

It seemed to get better last year, but this year there's only been two times that they had to plow.

6

aesthetichovvell t1_j6g6q0u wrote

I do agree. They keep trying to close off capital though which is the best way to get off of our street, since the Belgium blocks give traction that the other options do not have

1

cpr4life8 t1_j6g74sg wrote

I avoid Capital at all cost regardless of the weather or road conditions...I have a compact SUV so I get bounced around pretty good unless I slow way below the speed limit

1

aesthetichovvell t1_j6g7asl wrote

fair enough. my boyfriend goes SUPER fast down capital sometimes and it feels like a super bumpy rollercoaster

2

cpr4life8 t1_j6g7vi1 wrote

If I had something with beefier suspension I would too 😆

1

DugganSC t1_j6fy8t7 wrote

I listened to an interesting article about that and why it's so hard. For example, I didn't know that there was a maximum speed for the plows before which they're just traveling faster, not removing more snow, or at least that it was so slow. Also, well, snow doesn't go away when you plow it, so yeah, it is just displacing it to someone else.

13

StagLee1 t1_j6h59dv wrote

In Chicago they have to move snow out of some parts of the city with dump trunks because there is no place for the plow to just push it aside.

7

CARLEtheCamry t1_j6i0asf wrote

Top comment would be about how the suburbs are pushing all their snow into the City proper

2

ballsonthewall t1_j6fsf99 wrote

This reminds me of the old Sim City News Ticker lmao

164

whatsareddit12 t1_j6g2t1d wrote

Studies show that 8 out of 10 llamas would prefer more broccoli.

68

MaiasXVI t1_j6gw17f wrote

"Scientists discover vast deposits of dirt in empty field"

24

StarOriole t1_j6g7x6m wrote

I regularly trust that other drivers travel that route more often and have a better sense of what they're doing. Everyone's getting in the left lane? Yeah, that's probably where I want to go too. There's an intersection where it's going from 2 lanes to 3 lanes in the middle of the intersection with no markings? Sure, wherever you think our lane is going sounds good to me.

48

VulturE t1_j6hlag6 wrote

What's hilarious is that this actually works most of the time in Pittsburgh.

When I moved to Virginia Beach previously, I saw people unevenly stack into lanes at a stop light (7 cars in left lane, 1 car in right lane, no major turns for the next 2 miles) regularly for no reason at all, and I had to get out of this habit.

17

ddyfado t1_j6lh78w wrote

i think this is how most of pittsburgh drives and it’s the reason for half the traffic in the city.

so many times there’s 15 cars piled up in the left lane because one person is waiting to turn but everyone completely refuses to pass them in the completely empty right lane

1

Pogobat t1_j6ftogj wrote

I’m partial to 10 myself.

26

StyreneAddict1965 t1_j6ic3cf wrote

My favorite actual Onion headline: "PNC Park asks to be traded to a better team."

22

grachi t1_j6gyojx wrote

if it wasn't happening already, AI is certainly going to be writing articles for all those clickbait websites like buzzfeed.

19

saltedkumihimo t1_j6ii3vt wrote

Regarding number 8, I was at a funeral home where a guy was getting roasted for wearing a white Steeler jersey instead of a black one because it was “disrespectful.”

19

solarbot88 OP t1_j6iic5p wrote

You win best comment. Take all my respect. Lol

5

Seanile1 t1_j6gu5i5 wrote

Hey you cannot tell me that a sandwich loaded with vegetables is not healthy.

18

vivamario t1_j6isk8o wrote

All the food groups are there. If I remember one thing from elementary school, it's to eat all the food groups at a meal.

3

mopar39426ml t1_j6g3myx wrote

2, 4, 7, 8, and 10 all could be real.

I'm pretty sure 3 or 4 of those actually are.

16

1stCaptainSkrall t1_j6grno5 wrote

I dislike how funny and accurate a god damn robot can be about my city

11

sqqueen2 t1_j6g7uxb wrote

So now we’ve discovered the Onion’s source

10

duranfan t1_j6hp2lc wrote

> "City to Replace All Traffic Lights with Intersection-Sized Bumper Cars for More 'Pittsburgh-Style' Commutes"

Walking down Grant St this morning about 7 AM, I saw a guy who wants to sign up for that program, because he roared right through the red light at Grant & 7th.

8

paladin_slim t1_j6gc8o5 wrote

If we’re converting the rivers into water parks then I hope that the hospitals are ready for the surge in tetanus cases.

7

ElRamrod t1_j6g8ju7 wrote

Still wondering about #1. What's the catch?

6

weinermcgee t1_j6hry6h wrote

No one wants to admit how true #5 is

4

mrsmushroom t1_j6irua4 wrote

I like the idea of a whole bunch of inclines. The one about the snow was pretty funny.

1

sauceboss412 t1_j6iupa6 wrote

Hold up primanti samiches arnt healthy? My life is a lie.

1

Tako-Jerome t1_j6iw4ec wrote

it's frankly an outrage a dentist has never put a terrible towel bib on me.

1

blackstarhero666 t1_j6jg746 wrote

8 is gonna be me I just know it

1

phoarksity t1_j6l6i5c wrote

I have a different Towel for every day of the month, when the time comes.

2

blackstarhero666 t1_j6l7ktn wrote

I swear... I said if I moved down to were my partner moved from... I'm gonna be carrying that shit with me

1

immargarita t1_j6jh1km wrote

Brilliant!!!! 😹. Thanx for the laughs!

1

[deleted] t1_j6js4sz wrote

If I said it -100 down botes

1

lumentec t1_j6g6na1 wrote

Don't lie to us. Post the screenshot.

−8

therealpigman t1_j6g8rj9 wrote

Just do it yourself on it. I just went on chatgpt and asked it to write 5 more headlines like this and got the following:

"Pittsburgh Announces Plan to Replace All Rivers with French Fries"

"Pittsburgh Steel Mills to Replace All Workers with Robots... Except for Their Mothers"

"Local Man Refuses to Believe Pittsburgh is Not Part of Ohio"

"Pittsburgh Launches Initiative to Replace All Bridges with Slip 'n Slides"

"City Council Debates Renaming Pittsburgh to 'Pitts-burgers-burgh' to Embrace Love of Sandwiches"

32

lotavio69 t1_j6gltjp wrote

That's genius! How come we don't have a local burger joint/chain named Pitts Burgers??? 😁

9

grachi t1_j6gyxs6 wrote

yea, you do see Steel City used in small business names here and there, but I've never come across a Pitts Burghers, or come to think of it anything that was Pitts {rest of name} before

5

cthulhu_on_my_lawn t1_j6i55m7 wrote

You don't think it's because they'd be completely swarmed by a mob of people going ACKSHUALLY PITT IS THE NAME OF THE COLLEGE

1

grachi t1_j6jaeck wrote

Yea, probably would happen actually

1