I (F 42) have to leave my husband (M 44) but I don't know how.

Submitted by ihavesomequestionz1 t3_12819d8 in relationship_advice

My husband (44) and I (42) have essentially been separated for 5 years. We still live together due to not wanting to spilt our time with our child 50/50 and we both tried to grin and bear the situation but now, for me it has become intolerable.

I have long suspected he has Aspergers (or high functioning autism I think it is now) so inability to show affection, hates communication, beyond selfish, inability to compromise. This creates a very lonely environment. So if I cry about something (last one was the death of an Aunty) he will ignore my tears. Wont ask, if I am ok, won't console and absolutely won't hug me. I understand we are not together but he was like this even when we were and even as a friend, I would expect some compassion. I also believe he has some degree of narcissist tendancies. He gaslights, lies, manipulates things he said. I thought for so long I was going crazy, but it was when my daughter became old enough to bear witness that his web of lies unravelled. So he would twist or lie and she would say... No dad, that's not what you said. You are wrong. Even faced with 2 witnesses showing he was lying he would just get mad and lock himself away. I learnt to text things to him so when he would lie I could pull up the evidence. This never resulted in him acknowledging anything, simply deflecting and getting mad.

Before anyone asks why I even married him, well, there were red flags, but the first year or so, he was much better. Also I had come out of a physically abusive relationship and that probably clouded my judgement.

I will include that I am no walk in the park, I find it hard to regulate emotions, and struggle with mental health. But what I am, is very self aware. I reflect on my behaviour, when I am wrong, I will apologise, I am humble when shown I am mistaken. I discuss what I did, and explain how I want to be better. I am always trying to improve. Whereas he feels he doesn't need to change, everyone else is the problem.

Now down to the point of all of this, I have to leave. He is starting to do to my daughter what he does to me. Nothing is good enough, never praises her (she is amazing and wins award after award) she can't remember the last time he said I love you or initiated a hug. She wants me to leave and says she won't go 50% of the time to him that she will argue 1 night is enough. But I have no money, we don't own our house. My business makes tiny money, probably 11k per year. I have no clue what the process or help available to me is. If anyone UK Based could offer any advice or point me in the right direction I would be very grateful. I can't live like this. It's too stressful.

There is no physical abuse, so I am not in any danger. But mentally, I am wasting away. I have to live by weird rules and do things his way or he gets mad. I want out and I want to stop my daughter suffering at his hands like I have.

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Jmm1272 t1_jegtwnt wrote

Ok I am very familiar with Asperger’s and what you described doesn’t sound like that, it sounds like he’s a selfish asshole and is emotionally abusive. Why do you have to follow weird rules and do things his way? What happens if you don’t? I HIGHLY recommend that you DONT do things his way, because it will be healthier for you and your daughter.

I am I’m the US so I don’t know what resources are available to help you. I hope he would have to pay you alimony. Best wishes to you

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Aussiealterego t1_jegul3q wrote

Get legal advice. There are a number of resources locally that might be able to help you sort through this, if you look up your local community centre they might be able to offer you some sort of counselling to help you sort through it.

From a legal standpoint, here's a checklist.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/#:~:text=You%20can%20call%20Refuge%20or,2000%20247%20at%20any%20time.

When you describe your husband, you mentioned his being on the spectrum - this might influence his behaviour, but being neurodivergent is no excuse to be an arsehole. That is a CHOICE that he is making.

You are absolutely in an emotionally abusive relationship, if your daughter is begging you to get out, it's WAY past time for you to have made a move. Every day you stay with him is giving him another opportunity to hurt and emotionally stunt your daughter.

I absolutely give you props for posting here, this is a hard decision to make, and you've already made the first step. Keep the momentum going, actually make a plan to leave. Figure out what you are entitled to in terms of child support payments and talk to someone in social services about the likelihood of housing support, and what paths to follow.

Good luck.

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ihavesomequestionz1 OP t1_jeguqtz wrote

Replying to Jmm1272 (#2,555,717)

I am not allowed to walk around my house bare foot for example. Neither is my daughter. He would get mad and the energy in the house would be awful. So I just do it. I would not If it was just me, but he has a say in what my daughter does, so in solidarity to her I follow the rules so she isn't the only one. He likes the curtains shut in the day time. If I go near the kitchen window and I have the blinds up, he gets mad that neighbours can see me. I am not naked. It's fine. But I try to avoid the energy for my daughter.

He doesn't have enough for alimony. Anything I do, I will have to do alone. Any diagnosis is just my researched opinion.

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ihavesomequestionz1 OP t1_jegvex6 wrote

Replying to Aussiealterego (#2,556,037)

Thanks so much. I have time tomorrow and will go through the link you sent. I agree with you that he chooses this behaviour, as he treats his friends (he only has 2 or 3) and even strangers much kinder. Will listen to their problems and comfort people. But he won't do that at home. He was better with my daughter when she was a baby. But when she started to talk he backed away. Like I say, he hates communication. This is damaging to my daughter. She is so smart, as in, years ahead of her age academically. So she doesn't miss much, she catches everything he does. She has basically given up waiting for him to show love.

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Jmm1272 t1_jegx24r wrote

Replying to ihavesomequestionz1 (#2,556,100)

He has “a” say. You are giving him the only say. You have a day too! Again I’m not in the UK but in the US you can say you don’t have enough money for alimony, they court determines that. Some states determine fault for divorce and that impacts the amount, other states have community property and alimony is based on your income. In both examples there is a mathematical formula and they don’t just let someone say “I can’t afford it” you daughter may need child support or school expenses or braces or glasses ….all of those expenses would be determined in your divorce.

Here I found this

Spousal maintenance is an amount awarded by the Courts to be paid by the spouse with the higher income to the spouse with the lower income when a couple divorces. It is only awarded if one party cannot support themselves without payments from the other. It can be awarded for a specified term or for life in some cases.

https://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/divorce-settlements/spousal-maintenance/

This next one has quite a bit of information

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

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ihavesomequestionz1 OP t1_jegy2xh wrote

Replying to Jmm1272 (#2,557,076)

I appreciate this. Tomorrow I sit down to work this all out. Also work out how to increase my earnings. I know how much he has and how much makes. We are both poor, he doesn't have it.

I know i get a say, but he will create such a heavy environment that would affect my daughter. I just try to keep the peace. I let my daughter be free when he isn't home. But she knows well to follow the rules when he is home. I hate that, because I feel guilty that I am undermining him, but I just want moments for her to feel free.

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