Submitted by [deleted] t3_10piip8 in relationship_advice
[deleted]
Comments
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kou90 wrote
it's definitely a lot of pointless conversations! I try super hard to grab the logic out of them to ensure that there's a point! There's a point that he sees but I seriously don't see it, and try super hard to validate his points so that he feels heard/seen. I take so much time to show him that I care about what's important to him, and it's just a lot of work to investigate them all while managing my pain while he's talking to me about me in a negative way.
McSuzy t1_j6kp1v3 wrote
I just want to point out that you are not closer to actually articulating what is going on and what the problem is. I point it out because I want to know if this is part and parcel of your communication style or if this is just a desperate attempt not to honestly state what is happening.
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kq9c4 wrote
you're 100% right. i'm still traumatized so it's most likely affecting how im communicating all of this.
I don't know what is my communication style. This may be it. If it is, may I please receive your advice on this situation.
McSuzy t1_j6kr4k6 wrote
Well I can parse out the fact that you're indulging a very damaged man who should not be in a relationship with anyone. Stop doing that. He is not worthy of your time and attention.
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6knk8b wrote
That's exactly it. This whole situation is confusing. I'm not really sure how to condense or make this more concise. I wish I knew what the problem is, but it's that all of this happens - and at the end of it, he just wants to be understood at the price of verbal abuse. When it first happens, I approach it logically by challenging what he says until he gets angry then I shut down and have to agree with what he feels.
McSuzy t1_j6kouud wrote
Well why are you doing that?
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kp321 wrote
because isn't this what relationships do? have discussions to understand each other - i think i don't have enough tough skin to take all of the tough language he uses but i guess it's honest?
McSuzy t1_j6kpw20 wrote
No
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kqbzq wrote
thank you
Flashleyredneck t1_j6kol1p wrote
This is a word salad. I don’t understand your point(s).
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kqofu wrote
:( im not a bot, nor was I meaning to offend. I'm suggesting that my communication isn't good right now
Flashleyredneck t1_j6krkgn wrote
It sounds like you spent a long time typing: my bf is a broke ass who doesn’t pull his own weight and blames me for his failure. Just dump the looser.
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kr306 wrote
.
Brave_Bother5162 t1_j6kp5qk wrote
same here. I'm trying my best. Thank you for taking the time to help out - I appreciate you
Adventurous-Place-10 t1_j6kox3d wrote
He’s a lot. Don’t think you’re compatible. He’s controlling , wants to have the last word and everything his way. He’s envious of you. You‘re great dealing with your finances by living with your parents. I think he’ll be happy if you move on on your own and don’t save money. Don’t ever move in with you’ll eventually pay for everything and him always criticize you.
I just wonder what you sees in him.
lapsangsouchogn t1_j6kpgcx wrote
Do you like the person you are in this relationship? This isn't about liking or loving him. This is about how you feel as a person when you're with him. Do you feel like you're growing in all the ways you wanted to when you were a new adult? That you're becoming the person you want to be in life?
You can't live your life in service to another person's insecurities. And it sounds like neither of you are happy in this relationship.
HatsAndTopcoats t1_j6kpvli wrote
Stop telling yourself that this struggle is worth it because maybe someday he'll have steady work and then he'll be a completely different person.
You're just propping this guy up and nursing his emotions while you shut up about your feelings and your offense at his shitty and insulting attitude. He doesn't appreciate you; he uses you as a punching bag to relieve his own shame instead of actually doing anything about it, like getting a job that may not be his first fucking choice.
If you aren't currently in therapy focusing on why you see it as your job to "fix" this jerk by letting him treat you like garbage, start ASAP.
McSuzy t1_j6kn326 wrote
I'm sorry but I can't understand what you are trying to say. At all.
What, if anything, is the issue? You seem to have endless annoyingly convoluted pointless conversations with this guy but I can't just read them all. I need you to tell us what the problem is.