TIFU by going to therapy with my mum

Submitted by AdFamiliar6862 t3_116wlnr in tifu

Hi everyone.

I, 17f fucked up today by going to therapy with my mum 56f.

So basically I go to a family therapist once a week but she said I have so much trauma that she has to see me one to one. We live in the UK so healthcare is free but this therapist is a private one which costs a fuck ton of money, so as you can imagine my mum wasn’t pleased that I wasn’t making much progress on my own.

So today we headed to therapy and I thought she was going to say a quickly exchange pleasantries with the therapist as she normally does. But today was different, she insisted on joining in on the session with me and therapist quickly agreed. Fuck. My. Life.

Anyways we go in to her office and I immediately feel uncomfortable and my therapist noticed me freeze up and commented on it but she didn’t usher my mum away like I had hoped. Fuck. Me. Sideways.

So then after that we unpack a little bit of my trauma that my mum inflicted upon me as a 7-8 year old. And basically I started to talk about all the sexual assault I endured as a 7 year old from my grandpa (mum’s dad) and my therapist asked my mum what her thoughts were. Immediately my mum begins to defend her dad saying that he was an old demented man and how it wasn’t his fault and that she couldn’t have done anything about it because she was a burnt out single mum. I couldn’t cope with her negligence so I just broke down into tears and start yelling at my mum that that wasn’t a valid excuse and how he had literally done the same thing with my mums younger sister when she was 15 (he would have been in his 30s). So clearly this isn’t an issue related to his dementia, it’s purely him being a kiddy fiddler who likes to prey upon children younger and younger Every. Fucking. Time.

My mum says nothing but after that she defends herself once more. Then my therapist thought it was a good idea to make me and my mum do this exercise where we gradually move closer to one another and hug eachother where she rocks me back and forth. I’d. Rather. Eat. Frozen. Piss.

I reluctantly give in and do this pointless exercise, and guess what, it does fuck all. I hated every fucking second of it and it was so fucking awkward because it was so forced and I’ve only hugged my mum willingly a handful of times in my utterly painful and pathetic existence.

Anyway, I immediately let go and sit on the other side of the sofa as soon as the therapist curtails this weird fucking bonding experience. It felt like it lasted about 10000 years and took at least 50 years of my life that I probably wouldn’t be able to live to anyways because fuck living that long :/

Right I lost track now.

Okay basically, TLDR: I went to therapy with my mum and now I want to unalive myself even more because my therapist forced me to hug her and my mum made excuses for the man who sexually assaulted me.

What did I learn from this? I learnt that eating frozen piss is probably more worthwhile than hugging my pedophile- sympathiser- excuse of a mother 👍🏼

I love my life 🥰

Sorry for making this unnecessarily long but I hope you got something out of this, like, maybe don’t go to therapy with your weirdo mum?

Bro if you made it this far you’re a real one so props to you innit, coz that’s a big man ting

Ewww there’s mostly Americans on here so y’all wouldn’t understand what the above sentence means anyway 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shit no American slander will be tolerated on this platform 🚨

Reddit mods pls don’t come for me 🥹👉🏻👈🏻

Okay fml sorry for making this even more unnecessarily long, because if you’ve come this far now, there is no turning back! 💀

Alright thanks for reading folks! X

EDIT: Thanks for all the positive comments guys ily all so much, y’all are great! Well, apart from that one shit eating incel who thought it was okay to say that a woman who has a kid at 39 would have slim chances of having a normal kid. And to that I say fuck you, because it’s a shame that your parents couldn’t produce a “normal kid” either. But yes, I’m going to talk to my therapist about this next week, and try to bring it up to my mum which will be difficult as every time I do bring my SA up she routinely defends my grandpa and herself, so we’ll see!

Update: I told my mum about how I felt about her defending her dad for Sexually Assaulting me and she kicked me out, I have nowhere to stay now. I contacted my dad whom I haven’t talked to in over 2 years and he’s in India so I can’t stay at his, my friends aren’t replying, so I’ll have to sleep in porch 👍🏼

Update 2: I’m still kicked out my house but my good fro has given me a place to stay at hers, so I’m on my way there now. However, the situation may escalate and my mum can do worse things so I’ll see what she says in the morning and update you guys

Update 3: at my friends house right now, my therapist called me after I sent a long message saying that I wanna quit, I’ll paste it below, and she told me she is going to call my mum in the morning to knock some sense into her so hope that works

Text message to therapist:

Hi insert therapist’s name I don't think I'm benefitting with therapy at all, my mum is really upset that I'm not making any progress and I'm still stuck in my old ways as she thinks I want to cling on to my depression and things. Yesterday's session put me in a really weird place and in fruition I think we had moved too quickly with hugging the situation out. You can imagine, a mother who defends her daughter's sexual abuser, her daughter wouldn't be able to even look her in the eye let alone hug her in the space of a few minutes. I'm really sorry I should have not consented to this in the session but I've only realised this today. My mum is quite upset with me, and as a result I'm having to stay with a friend today. As you can imagine from the stresss that my mum is facing with seeing no progress in my behaviour as well as the costs, I wouldn't want to continue anymore especially after yesterdays session. I'm really sorry again, as I said, I really shouldn't have consented to that exercise as it was too much too soon (at least for me).

Apologies once again

Thank you so much for understanding

Update 4: my therapist called me this morning and told me that she wasn’t able to reach my mum. Hope mum calls her back and she can knock some sense into my mum, other than that, if my mum wants to kick me out permanently my friend has assured me I can stay here for as long as I like as her mum will be gone for the next month. But I doubt my mum will permanently kick me out, as this is extremely frowned upon in our community etc

Update 5: guys I got let back in by my mum 🥳 thank fuck for that, and thanks guys for being so supportive and giving such good advice which I’ll definitely be using soon! I’ll continue to update you lot on all this ❤️

Love ya! X

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Comments

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neovb t1_j98winf wrote

Ouch... but this doesn't strike me as anything you fucked up about. I sincerely wish you only the best in the future!

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LilSpermCould t1_j98yxb4 wrote

I'm really sorry for everything you've gone through and are going through. Fire your therapist. This isn't the right person for you. They violated your consent and you're right to be angry.

You don't get fucked up over night and you sure as heck don't fix yourself overnight. Clearly your mother needs a lot of professional help.

Can't say I know fuck all about the UK's health system. I do fully understand consent and any therapist worth a piss should too. The fact they didn't ask you if you were okay or didn't try to shut down everything right away is crazy.

Forcing someone who was sexually assaulted to touch someone. Get the fuck out of here with that. Is the therapist trying to inflict more trauma?

It is a process and it takes time. There's no way I could even possibly understand how you feel or what it is like to have gone through everything you have gone through. What I can tell you is it will get better. Sometimes it just takes a long time and it feels like forever.

With time you'll get to have the existence you choose. You can choose to leave people out of your life that are toxic and harmful to you. You can dictate the terms of your relationships. Family doesn't entitle them to do whatever they please. You can in fact force healthy conditions on love, they're called boundaries and your mother needs to learn how to respect them.

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MacrowSoft t1_j99lbhs wrote

That's shit. Whole thing sounds like shit. If you need a chat my ears are open.

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Devil_May_Kare t1_j99p9jt wrote

I have new career plans. I'm gonna move to the UK and become a therapist. Apparently they'll let any idiot be a therapist over there.

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bellesavage t1_j99t7pq wrote

Oh honey, this is everyone else's fuck up. Your mother is a piece of work, I can't even begin to unpack that atrocity of a parent. But your therapist?! What the ever living fuck. I would seriously consider making a formal complaint. It doesn't sound like you were given a heads up or asked for consent and you were coerced into physical contact with a person who subjected you to abuse and actively protected the abuser she was fully aware of. That's so incredibly messed up and wildly unprofessional. I'm so sorry this happened to you

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MNConcerto t1_j99txgq wrote

Your therapist fu, not you. If you can report them to whatever licensing board you have in the UK because that session crossed almost every standard of care in therapy. Like holy crap.

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Bard_Bromance_Club t1_j99v9w8 wrote

That therapist sounds terrible honestly. Jumping into a joint session with an enabler of something as horrific as that without doing a 1-1 with your mother beforehand to get an understanding and judging if it really would be beneficial to put you both in the same room and work through something like that,

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the_JerrBear t1_j9advmq wrote

it sounds like your mom set you up with a shitty therapist that is cooperating with her tbh

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eternal8phoenix t1_j9ahrkb wrote

Jesus christ on a rocket powered motorcycle... fire that therapist and gtfo of your mums house as soon as you can.

You deserve better.

Getting some space away from an enabler like your pos birthgiver will do you the world of good. If anyone tries to guilt you back, tell them where they can shove it.

If you have another session with that therapist if they start with anything other than apologising for putting you through that then walk out and don't look back.

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Powerful-Knee3150 t1_j9al6mm wrote

This therapist has not 2 brain cells to rub together for heat. “Here’s my best idea: I’ll heal a complex trauma by having them hug it out!!”

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EmpressLevalion t1_j9alpl9 wrote

That therapist sounds like quite a twat, tbh. You were in a vulnerable position, and they should have never suggested that exercise. I know it's hard and you want to avoid nonsense, but if you feel worse after exercises like that, try not to let them talk you into it. It seems a bit self-serving of the therapist. "Look, I'm making progress, they hugged!" What I'm trying to say, is therapists can be clueless and pieces of turd too. Some can be very clinical, and obviously only seem to have been able to study but can't apply what they learned, or lack the life experience to relate.

Are there any family members you can count on?

Your mum is possibly (I say because I'm not a mind reader) feeling guilty, so on the defence. Doesn't make it anyone else's fault! Your mum, and grandpa are guilty. As well as your therapist for not keeping you safe.

I thought CAMHS was bad... shite!

Hope the slang makes sense, Australian here. Used to be hip wit it.

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AdFamiliar6862 OP t1_j9amz4f wrote

Replying to EmpressLevalion (#1,884,447)

Yess we love an Aussie mate! Yeah thank you so much for your advice I’m going to talk it out with both of them. Unfortunately I don’t have any other family members to count on and just have my mum with me! But honestly I’m just waiting for the day I can go to uni so I can go no contact with my mum. So I guess I’ll have to rely on Reddit until then :/

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Verbenaplant t1_j9b5rw4 wrote

Hey you allowed to say no. Anything uncomfortable you put you4 foot down and say no

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curmudgeonpl t1_j9bj16y wrote

It's not unlikely that this therapist is charging an inordinate amount of money because she's a member of the quack brigade. You may want to google her and check for dreadful unscientific shit. I worked with a proper cognitive-behavioral therapist when I became sober and started self-destructing in other ways, and it was really useful.

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bethanymisty t1_j9byu74 wrote

I’m pretty sure the therapist shouldn’t have allowed that?? I don’t have experience with private therapists but I definitely would NOT go back oh MAN. That sounds awful!!

Do you have access to the Rape Crisis in your area? They offer specialised therapy for free in my area, up to 24 sessions, it’s definitely worth looking into instead!

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ASlightHiccup t1_j9c0915 wrote

A therapist that makes you feel unsafe and gives your mom a platform to defend the person who molested you probably shouldn’t be allowed to work as a therapist. I would find a new one…

Also forcing you into an uncomfortable physical situation with one of your abusers while you literally are going to therapy for trauma resulting from sexual abuse seems like the therapist is further inflicting trauma on you. Frankly this whole session sounds terrible and I’d report them before I’d ever go back.

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Schattenwolfe t1_j9c5ryk wrote

In therapy with my mom as a teen, she said she was assaulted and got over it, she couldn't understand what my problem was with my step father.

She's still with him, and I'm in my 50's if that says anything

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Sotilis t1_j9cbdhc wrote

You are 17, a minor. Your useless mother can't just kick you out. Call the cops

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PassionsBite t1_j9ciglq wrote

Would NSPCC be able to help you? It sounds like you need a safe place to stay

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Eveningangel t1_j9cvh5p wrote

Ok, I don't know the UK healthcare system, but if you have another session write exactly, without metaphor or vitriol, how that encounter with your mother from start to end made you feel and how afterwards your mother made you, a minor she is responsible for, homeless. Tell your therapist in writing how you were harmed and your safety endangered due to their actions. Mail a copy to their main office and to whatever board of ethics or certification is in your area. Keep one for yourself to give to your next therapist. You now have been traumatized by a therapist and the next one(s) need to know what the stakes are when they invalidate your discomfort and condone your mother's neglectful/abusive behavior.

Glad you are headed to a friend's. Stay safe.

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AdFamiliar6862 OP t1_j9cwirt wrote

Replying to Eveningangel (#1,892,454)

Thank you so much this is great advice, yes I’ll have to tell this to my therapist so it’s documented but I don’t want to involve social services or the state because I don’t want to exacerbate the situation or anything like that and just keep the drama to the minimum

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DbleDelight t1_j9d16ov wrote

I would suggest finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with CSA Trauma. Just a thought I had while reading, is it possible that your mother was also abused and is deflecting so she can pretend she had a normal family unit?

See if there is a local Youth Outreach who can help you with housing and supporting you.

You are brave and strong. Don't let your mother derail the progress you are making.

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EmpressLevalion t1_j9e62xj wrote

Replying to AdFamiliar6862 (#1,884,598)

Mate mate mate! I swear I'm not one of the seagulls from Finding Nemo and figured out how to use technology.

Whatever happens, I hope for the best for ya!

Understandable. May you meet many lovely people who treat you well (like you deserve)!

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EmpressLevalion t1_j9hvkkk wrote

Replying to AdFamiliar6862 (#1,898,972)

You've been on a real roller coaster, yikes! I'm glad your friend came through for you, and you were allowed back home, so you have a roof over your head.

The letter to your therapist was very well written (expressive and assertive), and I'm glad they seemed to listen.

Going to keep tabs on your account to see how you're doing. Bibbidi bobbidi boo! https://tenor.com/bg2sX.gif skeleton fairy 😂

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GentleWhiteGiant t1_j9ixozn wrote

Replying to Bard_Bromance_Club (#1,881,924)

She's not terrible, she totally fucked up from a pro perspective. She changed the setting without consent of her client, she destroyed the trust to her client, and she didn't intervene to protect OP when things where falling apart. She obviously has no insight into the relationship patterns of OP's family.

u/AdFamiliar6862, you did nothing fucking wrong! I adore your strength, and I wish that you find the professional support you need in the future.

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