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Gordon_Explosion t1_jdcilm9 wrote

She's already gone. Even if she has broken it off with the other guy and is just resigned to being married to you, she clearly doesn't like you, and she can't unsay the things she said. Get a lawyer, since there are kids involved.

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keanuereevesbeard t1_jdctgwp wrote

Lawyer is a good start. A mental health professional would also be good OP. This type of thing can take a huge toll and be very damaging in a lot of ways. Take care of yourself during these uncertain times

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[deleted] OP t1_jdciuy9 wrote

I dont care she can have everything

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i37i t1_jdcmiv4 wrote

You need to realize you can't treat a marriage, children and a divorce like a teenager treats a shitty breakup. It's your life and your children's lives involved, grow the fuck up.

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thiswilltakeamiracle t1_jdco0jn wrote

I can understand not caring about the house and car but your kids? You don't care about your kids? No wonder there are problems in your relationship.

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AzLibDem t1_jdcrm96 wrote

If this is all true, and you mean that, grow the hell up,

You're a parent. Act like it.

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Virtura t1_jdcjovc wrote

It takes two to work at a marriage, and it sounds like she isn't. It will be more painful for you to suffer a slow death to the relationship if she doesn't want to fight for it.

Do not resign yourself to this, there will be life after and you do not want the regrets and bitterness of handing her everything you are entitled to as your partnership ends and she moves on.

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[deleted] OP t1_jdcjsaf wrote

Oh she'll move on in a heartbeat

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LividLager t1_jdcpz54 wrote

My dude. You just got rocked, and it's going to take you a long time to recover. Do your future self, and kids a favor, get therapy, and lawyer up. This is going to be one of the biggest decisions of your life, and not caring is not an option. Have the lawyer give you your options, reach out to someone close to lean on. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. There's no shame in this... She fucked up... She hurt you...

Also, collect evidence. Take time off of work if you can... You got this.

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SpinozaTheDamned t1_jdcrpai wrote

Weirdly enough, this isn't your fault. You had suspicions, and you acted on them. In a healthy relationship, spouses should have no issues sharing their communications with others to their SO. Look, it took me a long time to get over this simple truth, but you can't control how other people feel about you, all you can do is react to the information you're given. She made her choices, and there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it. The only person who had control over this was her.

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Smodphan t1_jdcsjgu wrote

Given his attitude about the situation and his kids being taken, it seems both parties have contributed to this one sided story he's giving

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amoona_17 t1_jdco7fa wrote

Have you actually talked this out with her. As in how you feel, your issues in the marriage and how to overcome them?

It sounds like you both did some bad things based on your post, but if you are both open to actually working on them, therapy maybe then you can maybe work this out, but it has to be both of you together.

Can she get over what you did (assuming, since you say it's your fault, that something happened that lead her to this)

But can you also get over what she did. She made a choice and had some sort of relationship with this guy, can you see past it?

This is a 2 way street where both of you have to be fully on board or you both need to walk away.

Good luck!

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PygmeePony t1_jdcrsp7 wrote

That's a peculiar way to say you hate your kids.

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calamnet2 t1_jdcscm7 wrote

Don't do that to yourself. Clear your head and talk to a lawyer.

Often, men get short changed, and I personally would have been had I just gone with an attitude like this.

They will give everything to her like you request, and make your life miserable in the process, and frankly, your kids deserve two happy parents post-divorce, not one. And that won't happen if you just simply give it all up.

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dpg3456 t1_jdct2dm wrote

Get a lawyer and dont do anything stupid like that

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NoleSean t1_jdctb5c wrote

Don’t make an emotional decision that can financially impact the rest of your life. Get a lawyer, think about it as a business transaction and remove emotion from the proceedings. See a therapist about the emotional element. Do not mix the two.

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Historfr t1_jdctj5t wrote

Come on man don’t let yourself go like this.

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BeeBee_ThatsMe t1_jdcuhbx wrote

Good. Because that's what women want during a divorce.

There's a reason why men mentally break down over financials of a divorce. it's because women make financial gains an overwhelming majority of the time in contrast to men.

Even if you get a lower paying job, it's likely you'll owe her a percentage based on how much you made while with her.

You can't win. You are fucked. And it's because society treats women like little cupcakes. Even criminal sentencing is more lenient on women, like it's more lenient for white people (in contrast to black people)

Get a lawyer. If she wants to leave that's fine, but she got to decide to be with you and then leave for financial gains, and she should go to hell for using men like that.

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HazycloudBlues t1_jdcv68y wrote

Don't think like that. You should be angry not defeated. She cheated on you while you were married and had children together. Thats one of the largest betrayals of trust you can have. Don't let her get a single scrap more than what she gets when you go to a lawyer and stand up for yourself. Fuck that woman and I'd say the same thing if it was the man cheating on his wife. Fuck anybody who would throw away that kind of history so they could screw somebody else.

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DataSomethingsGotMe t1_jdcwg5h wrote

OP I assume that mentally you are at a real low and just want all this to go away.

Sadly its not going to be like this. It could be time for a big reset in your life and to reinvent yourself as someone with clear boundaries, surrounded by people who genuinely care for your welfare. I don't know the full picture of course but it's not uncommon for people to lose their own social networks and support systems when in a dysfunctional relationship. By the time the relationship fails, people can be a pale shadow of themselves. Right now you may be far away from who you really are. The best version of you.

You are feeling guilt about phone snooping but considering the aporent warning signs you followed up on those and found out things you didn't want to. Under normal circumstances you could say phone snooping is a violation of trust but this all sounds anything but normal. Putting yourself in the "I'm a bad person" bucket makes no sense at all and you should not crucify yourself. It is utterly pointless and non constructive, especially given the other priorities.

For the sake of your own long term self respect and self esteem, get a lawyer, and just as importantly reach out to those friends and family you have who care about you. Put your trust in them and not reddit. Seeing a non-quack psychologist or therapist will do wonders for you.

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manufactured_mind t1_jdczkk1 wrote

PLEASE LAWYER UP I promise you will regret not fighting this for the rest of your life. She will screw you over as hard as she can. Stand up as a man and a father. Go get a lawyer, go to therapy! Don't let depression and hopelessness creep in, don't let your kids down, don't let your lying rat wife triumph!

I got divorced at 24 after 5 years of marriage and 3 kids. I didn't fight at first and she screwed me over. She got BOTH of our cars, I got all our $30,000+ in debt. There's so much more injustice, but I don't want to write a text wall.

I started pushing back legally about a year later, now I have 100% child custody, she pays me child support (only $367/mo, but still), I claim all child tax credits, and I've worked my debt down to under $17,000. I've used therapy to recover and become stronger than I've ever been in every way. I'm now remarried to a woman 100x stronger, smarter, bolder, kinder, more loving, more beautiful than my ex wife. I should've fought from the start.

You must fight for this! You can do it! Do it!

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Helenium_autumnale t1_jdcste9 wrote

You have children who need a stable home, food, clothing, school supplies--that's 1/2 your responsibility, so your assets need to be divided equally. You're a grown-up who needs to provide for them.

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Galagors t1_jdctxxp wrote

If you’re acting this way over a cheater, you deserve to be left with nothing. Get over yourself.

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