You're doing the best you can. I don't know your situation, but I do know you love your daughter, and will get through this. Keep your head up, hug your daughter and know that this too shall pass.

This is not a fuck-up. I wish the best for you and your family.

What's important is that you're there for her, you can't change what happened in the past and blaming yourself is only adding to your grief. Keep being brave.

You did not fuck up. You fought bravely for yourself and for your children, and when you realized she started having issues, you did your best to help her and listened to the advice of professionals. She is going to grow up so proud of you.

It happens. I was early told add or adhd or whatever now, and depression. Bipolar wasn't on the books till much later in life and a suicide attempt or Two.

Ain't a fuck up as much as trying to find someone who would actually answer the calls for help.

Definitely not a fuck up. You're doing your best!!

Kudos to you for having the courage to leave the abusive marriage. Everything else will be ok In the long run because you took that action. Please give yourself some grace and good job getting your child into therapy.

You're doing great by having her in therapy and sticking with it. It is hard to be consistent, especially with a house full of young children. 8 years old seems very young to be diagnosed as bipolar or ODD. My experience has been that lots of doctors will give you lots of different opinions, so be careful with who and what you believe, especially when it comes to medications. Our most beneficial resources have been parental support groups, so maybe try to find a group like that in your area. Stay strong!

You did what you could do, and now you're doing better, yay! You are getting her what she needs now. And she is feeling secure enough to express her needs too, so that's also a good sign of what you're doing.

On the adhd/oppositional defiance thing - on of my children has adhd. And when it's not treated, he gets stressed and then the stress causes lashing out. But when it's treated, he still dislikes authority but he can deal appropriately with it. It was a journey getting there but he did and you will too!

Take heart, the journey isn't always smooth but you have love and you're doing a good as you can do.

This is so much NOT a fuck up on your part. As a parent I know we feel we are responsible for what our kids experience but, man, if you take a moment and ask her therapists about this I’m sure they will let you know that the mysteries of biology will trump experience in almost all cases.

Don’t forget to care for yourself. You know you need to be mentally healthy for your kids so do not feel you are selfish if you need to arrange for self-care time.

I’m glad you posted and wish you and your family well.

Come back some time and let us know of the great milestones you‘ve shepherded your kids though.

Take care!

🙂

You caught it while she is 8. I won't discuss my experience with parental mental health neglect, but many don't get diagnosed until their 30s or not at all, while their parents gaslight them and pretend/"forget" anything trauma-related ever happened. You will never be perfect, but you can maintain your vigilance.

Girl you were groomed as a teen by an abusive predator and were indoctrinated to believe that marriage is more sacred than your own life and health. Good for you getting you and your kids out of there. Have some Grace for yourself. You are getting your daughter the help she needs now and that’s all you can do really. Don’t be afraid to ask whatever community/friends you have for help.

I was so worried that this was going to end with the piece of shit molesting her.

You took her to a professional - it's only 7 months, she just needs therapy.

You seem like an awesome mom who is taking your kiddo's mental health seriously. Please also take care of yourself!

It’s not your fault. Please don’t be so hard on yourself

You actually did the best thing you could by just being there for her.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of this but I hope things get better in the future, good luck!

perhaps a reflection of the amount of attention you pay to your daughter is posting a story to reddit about her mental health for karma.

I would like to give you some advice that I have from my own experiences. Please, please, please focus on yourself and your children. My biggest regret is getting into a relationship shortly after the divorce from their dad, while my kids were young and needed my focus on them. You will never get this time back. You’re a good parent for being strong enough to get away from your abuser. You’re doing great by doing therapy for her and being open minded about how to help her. You have got this. I wish you the very best.

You did the best you could in the circumstances you were in with the knowledge you had. You can't be faulted for that.

yup gotta get your children out of abusive situations or their mental health will be permanently scarred.

A fuck up is my mother who stayed married to my abusive father for 30 years and never got me any medical treatment of any kind.

You’re not a fuck up. You’re barely an adult yourself, with five kids who were forced on you (not saying you don’t love them!), and you’re a victim of domestic violence. Be gentle with yourself and your daughter.

Sending love and healing vibes.

This!!!!!

You are here for her now that's what counts! You're a good momma and you're doing your best. Just keep advocating for her, be there for her, and don't forget to be there for yourself too. As a mom of an ADHD kiddo, it's demanding but worth it, so keep up the good fight, you have more knowledge now and more tools, put them to good use for you and your kiddo! Hugs!

Spanking is close enough to molestation. So close it’s like picking left from right.

Absolutely true. Also, OP, consider that with the right therapy and support, in the future she may stop meeting the criteria for the conditions. It's still early enough for her to learn how to explore her identity and accept her history. It is different for each person but I think was caught early enough. No person is trauma free but you're there for her, you did your best with your resources at the time and you're doing your best now.

Not a fuck up. It's admirable what you're doing.

This isn’t a fuck up. You’re doing your best in a very difficult situation. You’re getting her the help she needs now. Hopefully she improves and you can forgive yourself. Hang in there!

It's not your fault. You're a victim too. At least you got her help and now she can get proper treatment. You might've made mistakes but it's not like you had a manual to this whole thing— you were just figuring stuff out at a very young age.

For the record, symptoms of traumatic stress in young children are very often mistaken for both ADHD and ODD. It’s also very unusual for someone to receive an ODD diagnosis by itself—it’s almost always in conjunction with other diagnoses.

And the psychologist is right in that your daughter is still too young to receive these behavioral diagnoses with full confidence. Treat these test results as guidelines for care—they’re not set in stone, & they don’t dictate what your daughter’s future will look like.

You should definitely continue to have your daughter tested as she gets older & makes more progress in therapy.

I assume you have been as open as you’re being here, but just to make sure it’s said: Your daughter’s therapist & school psychologist need to know about the history of abuse she suffered as well as witnessed.

It’s really been a very short time (both empirically & relatively) that your daughter’s been in a wholly safe environment—it’s not surprising at all she doesn’t feel/hasn’t adapted to that safety & security yet.

Keep doing what you’re doing, Mama. You’ve made all the right moves by getting out & getting mental health care for your kiddos!

And the old you deserves sympathy too—she had it rough & her vulnerabilities were mercilessly preyed upon. You didn’t deserve that any more than your kids did. So make sure you get yourself the same level of care! 💜

It's not your fault. Your struggles are real. Please try to be kind to yourself<3

So… you left an abusive marriage to protect your kids, you coped with daughter’s behavior problems in a loving way, followed experts recommendation for therapy for her and helped her be consistent in going. Now you find out she might have a mental illness that is known to run in families. A disorder that does run in her family. And you have done all this while she is still a young child. And you’re a 25 year old, which is kind of still a kid to me. Where in the world can you possibly find a fuck up in this situation? You have not only NOT fucked up, but are in actuality doing a goddamn awesome job. The most important thing is that she knows you love her and are on her side. You’ve shown her this her whole life. They say having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. When they hurt, it’s agonizing for us too. Don’t let perfect get in the way of good. You’re doing an amazing job, mamma. Truly.

Today, you didn’t fuck up. You did the best you can given the bad situation, and you pulled yourself and your kids out of an abusive situation.

You did the right thing in getting your young daughter mental health. Make sure you look after yourself too.

It's great that you left that abusive relationship.

It's important for your kids to know you love them and you are there for them. I wish you all the best.

I often think of a quote from one of my favorite medical professionals: 'We do the best we can with the information we have'

You got her in therapy and she got a diagnosis, so now they can start helping her properly. How were you supposed to know if her own therapist didn't catch it at first?

It’s not your fault. It’s highly likely that the mental health issues she’s dealing with are hereditary. You’ve done the best thing you could by getting out of the situation and getting her into therapy. You’re doing a good job momma.

She is 8, ignore “ labels” and don’t give up on her. Concentrate on being the best Mum you can be going forward with looking after yourself. You cannot change the past but you can the future.

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You were a child! You were groomed by a predator who abused you. You grew up and matured. You did the best that you could with the tools you had at the time. Please make sure that you are also getting therapy for your trauma. Break that cycle now!

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It’s pretty safe to say the parents and religion are at fault here also.

✨✨✨ heavily religious situation ✨✨✨ I’m sorry for you and your kids. I hope everything will work from now on. You did your best.

OPD exists with ADHD at a rate of greater than 50%. The chance of having both is quite highly.

Look into parenting children with OPD. OPD is something that needs to have a focus on the parents and teachers, not the child. Of course, there’s therapy for the child, but this is very much something you need to be highly involved in.

Not sure why they are throwing around BPD in an 8 year old. Not touching that.

Well...look at it this way. The doc doesnt want to put a label on it. YOU CAUGHT IT EARLY. ~ahem~ Maybe try some alone time with her. She was probably used to it till everyone else came along! Maybe enjoy a movie without the younger ones...or her favorite chinese, or noodle place. Without so much distraction. Figure 3 hours a week might really help her.

>I was 16 when I met her dad he was 22

>it was healthy to begin with

These two sentences don't mesh. You may not have seen it then, and even now, but a healthy 22 year old isn't prowling sophomore lunch hour

>She said given her age she doesn’t want to formally diagnose her just yet but given her dad who has BPD..she thinks something it could of been passed down to her or it’s trauma Induced behavior.

Quite likely, so don't blame yourself for it happening. All things considered, you caught it early and are doing well to provide support. Sometimes it is the case that we are predisposed to mental health problems, and more often than not we get hit hard in our teens or 20s and have a struggle recovering or just managing to survive. You're doing fine and I believe you'll make the right choices

My daughter sounds verrrrrry similar and it took until she was 8 to be diagnosed. First it was misdiagnosed as OCD and anxiety, then settled on autism, ADHD and anxiety. A lot of the ocd and anxiety behaviours fall under the autism umbrella. ODD is so common with ADHD and it's tough as hell to deal with, the kids are hardest on parents. Even with the diagnosis it took a long time to get to a manageable level with the right meds and behaviour management, it felt like nothing in our home was safe from her and every day we were walking on eggshells. We're at a great place now but it could be a changing situation as she gets older and hormones factor in.

The whole thing is a process that even the professionals screw up, so don't beat yourself up for missing things. My kids grew up in an "ideal family environment" and genetics are just a crapshoot. A lot of the typical symptoms for mental issues are based on the behaviours of boys, and since girls often present differently they get dismissed. It's hard, especially doing all this yourself with other small kids. If you have other family help, lean on them if you can. Give yourself what breaks you can, and know that you are doing your best. It feels so overwhelming now but you'll get to the other side of this eventually.

Dude. Spanking is NOT the same as molestation. It’s not even the same category. Not even close. This is a disgusting statement only to cause drama.

This isn’t as big of a fuck up as you may think Op. Some diagnosis’ aren’t given for years because of neglect, but in your case you already had a lot to be dealing with.

You had kids to care for, a husband to keep from blowing a tantrum, household chores and maybe more. It takes a lot to realize that a relationship isn’t healthy, and you did that before your daughter and other children ended up having to grow up with that.

What matters most is that you caught this when you did, and that you’re trying to help your kids now. I can assure you that you’re already doing better than many other parents out there. Thank you for that, Op.

Hey - You got out as soon as you could. You got her help as soon as you could. You listened to her therapist when she said there might be going something else going on.

You did what you could, when you could. There are so many kids who don't get the help they need because their parents can't or won't listen. Don't blame yourself, this is not your fault.

You didn't neglect you child for the sake of family, you neglected your child for a man and because of religion. Don't get it fucked up, these things are easy to fall into, I myself (m40) got wrapped up into a cult thanks to my cousin when I was 27. Stuff happens, just be aware and NEVER fall for those things again. Stay away from churches and Republican men. They are the worst.

....what?

no, no it is not.

Spanking is bad, it is corporal punishment - but it isn't something where a single spank will scar someone for life. Being molested once would scar someone for life.

You sound like an amazing mum. You caught it when she was 8! That shows everyone how much you care about your daughter. You didn’t ‘fuck up’, you got your daughter the help she needs.

I know this is so hard and you're struggling right now.. but you are doing such a good job protecting yourself and protecting your children. You're getting her the mental health support that she needs. You're a good mom. You're doing a good job. I'm very proud of you. When you get older and you look back you'll realize how much you had to overcome to ensure your children were protected and had their needs met and how much you had to sacrifice.

For right now, keep your head up. Get whatever help you can source to take care of your family. Take care of your own mental health... You were groomed and abused and that leaves mental scars. It's going to get better. It takes time and work, but these things can definitely get so much better than where you are now.

Idk lady, you seem like a pretty good mom to me who is making the right moves now. You’re doing the.m best you can with the incredibly difficult task of being a mom of five at 24 as well. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it, and then some.

You’re doing the right thing. I really hope that you have some kind of support system to help you along. Best of luck, and keep that chin up.

Yikes poor kid.

This needs to be higher in the thread, you're very right. Experienced trauma and symptoms of PTSD at a young age are frequently misdiagnosed as behavioral disorders because it's more difficult to get the emotional symptoms from children. I assume it's because they don't have the language to talk about it. Based on this post alone, I would assume a trauma disorder is more likely than anything else.

And you did catch this very young, you've already made steps to get her - and the other children, and yourself - out of the situation, and steps to get treatment too. You're doing everything right. It's a rough patch, to be sure, but you're doing well. You're there, and you care, and that is going to be the best thing you do for her.

@OP, Thank you for sharing, this is obviously a tough moment for you and your feelings of guilt are understandable but completely misplaced!!

As a caring parent we always want the best for our children and when things go sideways we always blame ourselves!! I'm the adult, I should know better is the same argument we throw at ourselves every time.

Well, the truth is that this situation came about because you tried to do the best for your children, you took the abuse so your children could have a home! Well that worked. Being a good parent isn't always about the success but trying! It's important that our children see us try even unsuccessfully and push through!!

I really believe that was a no win situation you were in! I firmly believe your daughter will ultimately understand that you tried, and I think she'll appreciate the sacrifices you made for her and her siblings.

Try not to beat yourself up, I wish you well, 🤗💜

Enough commenters here already gave you so much good advice, encouraging words and everything and really, you can be glad to have it potentially diagnosed at such a YOUNG age. Better now than way later because it gives you and your child a LOT more room to work everything out between you two and everyone else as well. It's not a TIFU, although I can see why you feel this way. But it really isn't.

I wish you best of luck for the future and for all of your kids, too. <3

are you me? lol

Something that’s a PORN CATEGORY shouldn’t be the same thing that’s used to punish a child. We teach kids that the chest and anything below the belt is somewhere an adult shouldn’t touch under any circumstance whatsoever. So, us as adults need to follow that and not hit children to begin with nevertheless an intimate area. You just have mental issues and think like a boomer.

Touching kids below the belt in any way besides changing the diaper as a baby is molestation, you dolt. 💵 here get yourself something nice from Mental Issues R us or sum’

How does a 16 year old even meet a 22 year old to begin with?

Spanking shouldn't be allowed - but it isn't in the "scarring for life" column

No it’s literally not, you dolt.

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I would recommend that you read the book "what happened to you" by Oprah Winfrey. It addresses a lot of the topics you seem to have questions about in your post. I really think it will help you understand your childs behavior better.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Sexual molestation and a spanking are two very different things.

You are complete nonsense.

Something to be aware of: Just be careful with ODD diagnosis. I don’t know your race but many minorities are diagnosed with ODD when they actually have ADHD. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/adhd-infographics/adhd-odd-and-racial-bias?format=amp

As someone who majored in psych and (not rn but eventually) will get a masters/PhD, there is a lot of gender and racial bias in a diagnosis DEPENDING ON THE DOCTOR so getting second/third opinions is very important.

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You are ridiculous. Completely and utterly insane. Leave me the fuck alone now. Reported and blocked.

When somebody hits you, it's their fault, not yours. Physical violence is not a reasonable response to use on people you care about.

Right my mother didn’t catch it until I was evaluated at 14 and with the psychiatrist I have now we believe my mental health problems started when I was a little kid. I do remember being sad all the time.

You’ll be surprised I had friends my age and they knew older guys

I’m 32 and my psychiatrist and I believe that I had mental issues since I was 5. Is common now that children are mentally ill.

Corporal punishment was one of the reason my mental illness got bad and my mother did that.

I think that most people post on reddit because they want someone to share their burden with.

I'm an agitatedaubergine. So, nope. No way this is possible! :P

+1. Therapy doesn't work for everyone, but the earlier, the better. Otherwise, trauma compounds in myriad, unpredictable ways.

Yes I also know people that know much older people than themselves but how does a 16 year old come up with the idea to get pregnant by a 22 year old?

You’re doing great. You got her away from a bad person and is giving her the support you can. She will see that when she gets older.