[Discussion] 25 Y.O. Male Drifting Through Life.

Submitted by Marcus_Krow t3_10vxmh4 in GetMotivated

(Repost due to forgetting to actually title it.)

Before anything else, I want to make it very clear that while I do suffer from minor depression, I don't think it has a major impact on my day to day.

My 25th birthday is fast approaching, and with it came the realization that i haven't really done anything worthwhile. I graduated high school with some college credits related to IT, but never pursued any higher education. Ive worked at a gas station job my dad landed me for 7 years, making mediocre pay with no opportunities for advancement.

I pursued writing for a time and considered myself a halfway decent author until I just lost interest and stopped writing, after which I've noticed a general decline in both my cognitive abilities and writing skills/speed. I've become quite anti-social not by desire of being alone, but for the simple fact I don't feel the need to put any effort into fostering new friendships or maintaining old ones.

I've managed to find myself in a very stable and happy relationship for the past three years, and it's the one thing I'm genuinely proud of, even if we have no plans or desire to ever start a family. I have managed to run and mostly maintain a D&D campaign with my girlfriend's friends, and it's gone well so far and made me feel as if I am a good DM...

I had considered finding a new job a couple of times in the past, but gave up within a week because I found it pretty overwhelming and honestly really depressing and with the recession incoming, my current job is the safest bet.

I'm not unhappy with my life, in fact I'm perfectly content to continue living in this way, but it honestly feels like I've become incredibly passive, just drifting along in life waiting for the next chapter to start rather than forging that path myself. I feel guilt about it from time to time, but never enough to actually get up and do it. My home life is pretty much the same, I'm rather lazy with my chores, but I do eventually do them. If I'm given a task by someone else, it's done immediately and done well, but I never seme to he able to self direct(I do have ADHD, but I don't like using that as an excuse.)

Does anyone have any advice for someone like me? Is the way I'm living life wrong, or is it okay? If it isnt... what should I do?

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randomsharklaser t1_j7k0rbr wrote

At 25 you are probably supposed to be drifting. You'll get your shit together in your early 30s like everyone else, don't worry.

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Evadi t1_j7k1pbt wrote

Apathy. I have been in the similar position. For a year back when the lockdown began in 2020 I didn’t do much else than gaming. But unlike you, I stopped doing my hobbies altogether.

Set goals for yourself and set up a schedule for how you want to spend your day. Plan out what are the habits you want to do adopt from those goals. For example:

  • Get fit: go to gym 3x/week on Mon, Wed, Fri after work
  • Chores: clean the house every Sunday evening
  • Learn to code: every weekday, 1 hour after work

Also be intentional with your time. Spend quality time with your loved ones, and spend as many moments doing things your future self will thank you for.

Best of luck. Doing these things help me get out of a rut 2 years ago, and I hope they will help you as well.

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ccg426 t1_j7k4bfg wrote

43 yr old Vandy grad. Depression shouldn’t be dealt with lightly. Fox yourself up now or get prepared for a life of pain as a smart man.

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Huh--- t1_j7k6kq4 wrote

You want purpose? Read the Bible and get saved by Jesus Christ.

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mdeford92 t1_j7k8yni wrote

Read Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins

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Marcus_Krow OP t1_j7kbcj5 wrote

Replying to ccg426 (#1,742,978)

Oh, nononono! I wasn't trying to be combative or anything, I just didn't know what that meant!

Would you say that minor depression could be the cause of this passive mentality/lifestyle?

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Littleman88 t1_j7khiia wrote

Replying to randomsharklaser (#1,742,600)

>You'll get your shit together in your early 30s like everyone else, don't worry.

Disclaimer: Your mileage may vary.

Many 30 somethings are still drifting, so I wouldn't say "like everyone else." Especially those groups that graduated around 2008, or anyone that haven't found themselves in a relationship and friends because they just can't seem to find anyone.

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Complex_Mango_5228 t1_j7kl7l8 wrote

You're only 25 man. You are not supposed to have it figured out yet. Anyone thats 25 and says they have it all together is lying. With all of the events that have happened recently, people in their 20s-30s have been impacted the most truly.

I have ADHD as well, it does have an impact in how you develop your sense of self. All the things people told me as a kid emphasized how dumb and incapable I was. Sometimes I still believe that to be true, when its really not. My defense mechanism became dissociating, which I still struggle with at times. But it really helps to know how that impacted me and what my brain is telling me is false.

It can take time to find direction. Be patient with yourself and try new things.

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Double_Parsley_4455 t1_j7lbx8a wrote

I'd echo another post saying don't underestimate your depression and/or ADHD. Some (many?) people suffering don't even realise the extent a lot of the time.

I also took note of you describing your DnD buddies as 'your partner's friends'. I mean you've been going out for years, they must be your friends now? I found that a bit odd.

Anyway, temper what I've said with yeah, you're not necessarily supposed to have it figured out yet.

I've been through all kinds of therapy and also Neuro-Linguistic-Programming (I'm sure some will think that's a fad or whatever, fine) but certainly have a think about setting some professional goals. You must have a vocational interest by now.

Set short term goals. I am into Computing and went through some free and paid for online courses (properly!). Half-decent ones, not crap.

In Computering we're able to get Certs as well, so that was another achievable, tangible goal.

Finally make a habit of reaching your goal. Going all balls to the wall for 1-2 days, or even over a week is not sustainable. It's a lifestyle thing - an hour or whatever a day - forever. Get used to it!

So yeah, think about your vocation and what you need to achieve. And take steps that you can measure.

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journiche t1_j7luczb wrote

Sounds like you’re in survival mode and trying to figure things out “on your own” for the most part. Reaching out here is a good start towards asking for and receiving more help. I always recommend seeing a professional therapist, but the important thing is to at least talk with someone outside of your immediate circle. Even if it’s a shitty life coach or just someone you know and respect, keep asking for help.

Mostly, though, I came here to suggest that you ask better questions. You can’t get good answers with poorly thought out questions. When I read your question asking if you’re living life “wrong”, it seems like you’re judging yourself from some version of what “success” looks like that has been defined . Not only does that not serve you in making decisions or measuring progress, but it also creates an abstract and unobtainable goal that you can never achieve and causes underlying anxiety.

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lilsan15 t1_j7lxj6f wrote

If you crave the normalcy/consistency/passivity and are happy with it then there’s nothing wrong.

Some people are goal driven and they feel fulfilled when they achieve a goal or even some people get the high from the work leading up to the goal. Some people crave and are raised in lifestyles where there’s routine and a constant.

The depression might make you feel dissatisfaction with how things are but only you know what you really want.

Your post gives me the feels that you don’t think your life is good enough. But there are tons of valuable and special things I can see in the post.

You graduated HS (some people don’t) You’ve worked at the same place for 7 years (hello, SO valuable, admirable as some people can’t even keep a job for two years - you’re valuable to your employers and you hold yourself to a “I show up” standard which you’d think is common but it’s not actually, this is a you trait that will follow in anything you do) You have a hobby (okay dormant) but one no one forced you to do or pressured you into! You have love in your life! Some special person who you love to feel in your arms and who loves you back!!

If you feel guilt though. It’s okay to let the guilt drive you if you can channel it into doing something at that very moment. If you let the guilt linger and spread over every moment of your life, that’s unproductive. I also find it I make very vague lists when I feel guilt like “working out every Thursday” rather than “working out right now, or at 6pm bc right now I have something going on” I usually feel more guilt at not following through

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Marshmallow4u t1_j7mk6s8 wrote

Sounds like you’re doing pretty well. Stable job, stable relationship with a like minded partner, you don’t mention death or economical problems. I’m beyond mild apathy and laziness there don’t seem to be any red flags in what you write. Stay out of social media, you set your own goals. Sit down every night and speak with your partner about where you guys want to be in eight years, how you want your life to look like.

P.s. 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson is a game changer. The audiobook Will get you through it easier and require less concentration than reading. I will get your foot in the door of change.

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AnotherKinase t1_j7oqo8z wrote

Frodo was happy with his life in the Shire, he could have lived out his days there, drifting along, and not been bothered with all this nonsense of rings. But, he chose to adventure, as Bilbo had chosen before.

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SuggmaBawlz t1_j7p59l8 wrote

Aren't we the same? Done IT, no passion left for it. No higher education, working in same place as my dad did among narcissistic assholes but still taking their shit, no self growth, no friends, no gf, scared of being intuitive.

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everneveragain t1_j7vw0o5 wrote

Well if this isn’t incredibly relatable…. and I’m 35. I work with small children so I do feel like I have an impact and it’s what I want to be doing but this is still very, very relatable. I may not be the one to give advice but I’d say, write down on paper exactly where you’d want to be in five years. Describe the person you’d like to be a little ways down the road. Start there. If you can look at your goals then you can start thinking of the ways to accomplish them

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