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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j15pytd wrote

Address the behavior, not the person's character.

Say something like, "well, the constant farting does seem inappropriate for this venue."

Or, "when you scream like that, it kind of hurts my ears."

The point is to not make them feel attacked, even though they asked the question.

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the_original_Retro t1_j1706kv wrote

Going to add something to this excellent answer:

If you can't specifically figure out why they're annoying so you can tell them a reason, the problem just might be you.

I've been annoyed at people because I had a bad night's sleep, or I heard a story four times by other people in the past day and they're telling it for the fifth time, or out of silly displaced anger, or for other reasons that were more to do with me than with them.

Before responding to their question, a good question to ask yourself is "are they annoying just to me?".

If you're not confident that the answer to that question is "no", odds are actually pretty good that you're the one that needs to work on the situation, not them.

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k8t13 t1_j173hsh wrote

this is also great advice, sometimes i'm just peopled out and someone talking to me makes me feel annoyed. or sometimes i'm just hangry and thirsty lol

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wildflowerhonies t1_j15qlds wrote

This, a hundred times over. Avoid using the word "annoying" (even if they used it first) and politely describe the behavior that's causing you to feel annoyed.

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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j15tat4 wrote

It's a good rule for any discussion. Focus on the behavior and your feelings, not being critical of the other person.

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playswing t1_j16qbxj wrote

Something I've learned in therapy, we often use annoying as a filler to describe what actually bothers us. It's much more concise to explain what is bothering us!

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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j16qw67 wrote

Wow...that's annoying! 😜

Just kidding. Definitely better to talk about the specific things. Thanks for the backup.

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k8t13 t1_j173cst wrote

yup, i have sensory issues and i'd rather give someone a "the repetition of the tapping is making my head hurt sadly" over getting frustrated to the point of nobody enjoying our time

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jejunebanali t1_j17pmn6 wrote

This sounds like good advice but sometimes what is annoying could be hurtful when articulated, like “your voice is too shrill” or “ you are too self obsessed and are constantly badgering me like about whether you are annoying or not.”

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Austitch t1_j18rk0h wrote

You're missing the point- the approach is supposed to be about your feelings in response to a behaviour. Rephrasing both of those, it would be more along the lines of "I'm a little overloaded right now, and the volume you're talking at is contributing to that." and "It feels like you're not listening to me when you repeatedly ask if you're annoying, and it's frustrating to not feel listened to."

The point of the tip is avoiding accusatory language like "You are" and instead giving them something tangible that they might be able to adjust- someone genuinely might not be able to control the volume/pitch of their voice and making that their fault is just going to stoke insecurity without fixing anything, and saying something like "you're self obsessed and bothering me" comes across as an attack on them rather than anything constructive they can work on/with.

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EmeraldGlimmer t1_j18uvbf wrote

If a person is self-obsessed that is something that they could and probably should work on. I don't know how to phrase it gently though.

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Austitch t1_j18x5lz wrote

They probably are aware. Anxious people are often self-aware their thoughts aren't rational, but they still have them and will still reach out to get external affirmation that they're not as bad as their head is making them out to be. Pointing out how their behaviour is making you feel can help snap them out of that, i.e. its making you feel like they're not listening to you or trusting what you say, making you feel like you're talking in circles, etc; pointing out that they're "self-obsessed" isn't going to help anything. Either they're anxious and they now feel like they're just as bad as their thoughts are making them out to be and feel even worse/shut down and avoid speaking to you whatsoever, or they're anxious but get defensive because it feels like an attack and now you're in an argument that goes nowhere.

They might already be working on it and asking for affirmations is something their therapist suggested to try and get them out of their own head but they're taking it too far, they may be in therapy but still working on their anxiety and not yet at a point where they're good at catching these things. Unless you know for a fact what they're doing outside of your interactions with them, you probably don't know if that's something they know and are working on.

The tip's centered on things they can change in the moment, aka lowering their voice, etc, not who they are as a person. Its like how you don't point out a physical issue or change on someone if they can't fix it in the moment- having something in their teeth yes, gaining a few pounds since the last you saw them absolutely no. If they're asking if they're annoying, point out what they can fix in the moment and focus on how its making you feel, not what you think they feel/think that's causing the behaviour.

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CrazedMuffinz t1_j16hat2 wrote

My husband says something along the lines of "Sorry babe, I'm just on overload right now" making it less about my being annoying and more about his ability to currently deal with my energy level.

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jumpingjadejackalope t1_j15fqvh wrote

Say you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to help them out right now/talk to them right now. It doesn’t put the blame directly on them, but it does let them know they are demanding a lot of attention/ emotional attention at that moment.

Being annoying is subjective, and maybe to other people it would be fine.

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e11spark t1_j16tihf wrote

I use this tactic all the time with my narcissistic mother. Anything other than this will prompt a perceived slight on her end, which will turn into a tantrum. "I simply don't have the brainpower or bandwidth for what you need from me right now" then I walk away, and she's left standing there like a deer in headlights. Works every time.

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jetty_junkie t1_j15rusr wrote

Be honest. If they asked assume they sincerely want to know. If they get upset by the answer then they really shouldn’t have asked in the first place and that’s on them

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EatTheBeez t1_j175hxu wrote

Super depends on the context, to be honest.

A friend who's going on about their problems: "Am I annoying you?"
Me, who's sick of listening: "It's not you, it's normal to want to vent. But I'm fried from a long day/I've been hearing it for three hours now/I have work to do/Mercury is in retrograde. I need a break from the topic, okay?"

A kid, who is being annoying by accident but can tell that you don't really want to keep hearing about their made up pokemon OC: "Am I annoying?"
Me: "You're great, buddy! You're super creative and I love that. But I'm really tired right now and I just have to focus on this work ok? Can we take a break and you can tell me about your pokemon later?"

Someone who's doing something dumb like listening to a radio in a cubicle office: "Hey is this annoying you?"
Me: "Actually, it wasn't at first but now I find it really distracting. Can you stop?"
Me if I know them pretty well: "Well I'm thinking of how to throw your radio out the window so either go for a walk so I can steal it, or turn it off."

Random stranger being annoying: "Am I being annoying right now?"
Me: "Yeah, kinda."

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Aware_Specialist8622 t1_j15zhi0 wrote

Since you asked, it does bother me when "....."

I don't like when "...."

Or if you don't care about the other person just say "yes you're annoying me because....."

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DroolingSlothCarpet t1_j15vuck wrote

You say yes.

I can't understand why this is so difficult.

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Usually_Angry t1_j17azq7 wrote

Yeah I can’t imagine any of my friends being upset by me telling them they’re annoying, and I can’t imagine feeling too guilty about someone whose not a friend and doesn’t have the courtesy to respect the boundaries of a non friend

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iFoegot t1_j16o3ks wrote

“Yes but it’s ok. Everyone can be annoying sometimes, including me”.

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Machopsdontcry t1_j15fs6h wrote

"No, but I have some personal issues and need some space for the time being, I hope you can understand"

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slimzimm t1_j15qdw1 wrote

Then that is a lie, you can’t say yes while saying no.

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el-chicharo t1_j16duy4 wrote

Agreed. Also, it doesn't address the behavior

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APileOfShiit t1_j16j4ik wrote

It may not be the behaviour of the person asking the question, perhaps the person being asked is acting in a manner that seems to be annoyance, but is just social exhaustion.

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[deleted] t1_j15qj2f wrote

[deleted]

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slimzimm t1_j15raep wrote

My friend, you can be honest. Straight up lying isn’t helpful. “Am I annoying you?” “I can see you’re trying to blow off some of that great energy you’ve got but yes it’s a little bit much for me right now”. When being honest, you just have to be choosey about how it’s said. You don’t have to be a dick, just use your words.

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OrphanSkate3124 t1_j15taoh wrote

But why am I a dick for answering the question? Why is it my fault they asked a question they didn’t actually want the answer to?

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jetty_junkie t1_j15rlny wrote

If they asked I assume the genuinely want to know. It’s one thing to pretend it’s not annoying to spare their feelings but when someone flat out asks I feel obligated to be honest otherwise why would they ask a question they didn’t want an honest answer to

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magicplatypus2 t1_j167mat wrote

Unfortunately in my experience 99% of the time people ask if they’re being annoying they’re feeling insecure and looking to get validation that they are not in fact being annoying

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jetty_junkie t1_j16810i wrote

Then that’s on them. If they ask a sincere question they deserve a sincere answer. If you want to play guessing games about their sincerity level that’s your choice but it tends to be a fool’s errand IMO

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Empire2k5 t1_j15hhvc wrote

I just tell them straight up. Don't be so soft.

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ThrowawayLocal8622 t1_j15iit9 wrote

I'm older and don't have time other than just getting it out in the open. If they have a problem with it, that's on them.

I say this but I'm also known for openly stating where we stand. I got a co-worker who crossed me and I don't bother with them. They tried apologizing after several attempts to gaslight me while covering it up. We're done. Let's go to HR to hash it out.

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Empire2k5 t1_j15j08w wrote

Exactly. It's a pretty rare occurrence because I'm not going to constantly be around someone who annoys me, and if it's someone I know well then they understand where I'm coming from and won't care if I tell them they are being annoying.

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ThrowawayLocal8622 t1_j15jm46 wrote

Precisely this. We're both adults. I'll tell you honestly. What you do and how you react to this information is on you.

We can talk through it. I'll make time for you.

Be a jerk about it. Get in the sea. I'm old. I'll live. I'll live better without you around. I guarantee it.

Cut me off. Again, I'll be fine.

You need a break. Great. Go live your life over there.

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mvloxvloto t1_j15v154 wrote

"Maybe just tone it down"

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Almostasleeprightnow t1_j165pcu wrote

If someone is asking if they are being annoying, it's because either A) they don't know because they don't understand how they are perceived by others but THEY WANT TO. B) They know they are annoying and are looking for a pass to keep going.

Either way, just say 'to be honest, yes' and take it from there. In the long run, it's the nicest thing you can do for A, and B hasn't earned the right to have their feelings protected.

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EvadingDoom t1_j17jvis wrote

"How thoughtful of you to ask!" Then basically take them up on their implied offer to change something about the situation. "I would like to talk to __ and __ while we're here." "I could do with a little bit calmer conversation." "I am eager to finish this chapter before I clock in again." Etc.

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GNUr000t t1_j17qxeq wrote

As someone who asks this question, I need *correct* data. Answer the question.

Specifics help, if you want to make it clear you're trying to help solve a problem and not trying to put someone down.

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Mercuryshottoo t1_j16prlx wrote

I would smile and say "Wellll... " They will get it and will likely apologize. They already know what they're doing or they wouldn't have asked

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phrogfixer46 t1_j16qt9t wrote

Done if the most respectable people in this world are straight shooters and tell it like it is. I have always told people, if they want a straight answer without fluff, they can always come to me. You don't do justice beating around the bush. Just say, "Since you asked, the answer ia "yes"". That person can't blame you for being blunt if it's a straight closed-end question. You were just to simply answer with a "yes" or "no" answer. If that person didn't want a straight answer, the question would've been an open-end question, leaving you to explain. Just give what was asked and you'll be far more respected for it. A person that is not ready for the worst answer shouldn't be asking at all.

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obxtalldude t1_j19fo59 wrote

"No, I'm just sensitive"

Or any other line that takes the blame and puts it on you.

It's the best way to get out of so many situations with no hurt feelings.

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jimmyjazz2000 t1_j19l01a wrote

"Am I being annoying?"

"No! Of course not! ... Why do you ask?"

Instead of telling them they're annoying, this probe gets them to tell you. You can react gently but honestly and constructively to what they say. It's a much kinder way to give a friend the help they're asking for.

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keepthetips t1_j15fav9 wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

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ww11gunny t1_j15uepk wrote

Answer if being annoying was an Olympic sport you would win gold.

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Aterakel t1_j16289n wrote

"It's not that you're annoying in general, it's just that sometimes you did things that bothered me and didn't seem to realize it."

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r2k-in-the-vortex t1_j1658lm wrote

Don't mind the feelings, when they resort to asking they probably know the answer already.

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skymoods t1_j16lf75 wrote

ask in a genuine tone what they think they're doing that might be annoying. when they explain exactly why they're annoying, say well idk about anyone else but it's fine with me

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Shizz-happens t1_j16moft wrote

Well, you’re definitely more talkative than usual today…..

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unixfool t1_j16zi2p wrote

If they're asking, why lie? If they're asking, they probably already suspect that they are annoying. Be truthful. A simple yes or no is a good enough answer. Why would hurting their feelings even be a concern?

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mclark1951 t1_j170qil wrote

If you really may not want to know, don't ask. If you ask me, you'll get the truth "yes."

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NerdyDan t1_j170tkb wrote

If they are willing to ask the question I am willing to tell them the truth.

But I’m usually a likeable person at work so people don’t take it too personally

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imregrettingthis t1_j174cgx wrote

"no but..." followed with some constructive critisism and perhaps a compliment.

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TheeVikings t1_j174knv wrote

Reply as kindly as you can but focus your eyes two inches above their heads.

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Kedosto t1_j17a7so wrote

If they ask, they already know the answer is yes.

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alcarrell t1_j17b6go wrote

“I love your enthusiasm, I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.”

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fazi_milking t1_j17d999 wrote

“I would dial it back .. juuust a little ;)”

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acquavaa t1_j17h695 wrote

Say “a little” and then say why, but with “I” messages.

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wwhijr t1_j17hb1r wrote

Yes. Yes, you are annoying.

It isn't that hard.

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HeheFox t1_j17pfo7 wrote

“I’ll be honest. Could dial it back a notch.”

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Brandyforandy t1_j17z8oy wrote

Make it sound like other people might react but you are fine with it because you love the person. This creates a stronger bond and adress the problem.

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Similar-Opposite-708 t1_j17znnl wrote

Humour at the situation but not the person is the best approach

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MSGdreamer t1_j186qpd wrote

Just give them a look.

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DrZin t1_j18chru wrote

If they’ve asked, clearly they’re prepared for an affirmative answer. I usually just say ‘Yes’, with a smile, then offer them a strategy for being not annoying.

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zajkomaxpanzaj t1_j18stj1 wrote

You make the yes sound with your mouth

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naanbud t1_j18xtps wrote

My bf says, "Well...I love you, but you are being a bit much" lol

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prodigy1367 t1_j192c7v wrote

“Not at aaaall” in a very sarcastic tone of voice.

People don’t always have self awareness of negative behaviors and sometimes you just have to let them know what’s up.

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Travelerdude t1_j197m8d wrote

You can say, “well, perhaps not in the Websterian sense of the word. “

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JonesP77 t1_j198hik wrote

Sometimes hurting feelings is the only option, no one will die from it. You can not always accept everything someone else is doing. Dont try to be extra rude but speak just clearly what is annoying you.

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parallelpalmtrees t1_j198ykp wrote

"If you have to ask, you already know the answer."

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Sharp_Discipline6544 t1_j19c1s3 wrote

I'm the kind of person to just say yes. If they didn't want the truth, they shouldn't have asked. Besides, I would risk hurting their feelings than continue being annoyed.

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openmind7777 t1_j19c6zf wrote

Always focus on the what as opposed to whom.

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Siolful t1_j19i7u6 wrote

Yes. Thank you for saving me the trouble of breaking it to ya kid...

Now scram kid, ya bother me

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keldration t1_j1a6bb2 wrote

Just smile and say, “Yes.” You don’t get anywhere in this crazy world without being clear about your wishes.

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autotelica t1_j1641yc wrote

Humor might soften the blow.

Person: Am I annoying you right now?

You: <laughing> A little bit! But that's why I love you.

0

Nojoke183 t1_j166fgl wrote

I usually go with "It's okay" both confirms that they are indeed annoying while also sounding somewhat casual

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ChrisPChicken04 t1_j16acco wrote

“If you’re asking the question then you probably are”

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notANexpert1308 t1_j16b88j wrote

Do this person a favor - be direct. “Hey I love ya, but you’re being fuckin annoying”. Or, walk them to their safe zone and ask for permission to give them feedback and feed into this pansie ass society we live in now where you have to ask questions like this.

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HumpieDouglas t1_j16jgr8 wrote

"Yeah, and if you don't stop, I'm punching you in the mouth!"

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Galveston_Jeff t1_j188q6r wrote

Look them in the eye and say loudly: FUCK YES YOU ARE. NOW CUT YOUR SHIT. Then turn back and resume original action

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Galveston_Jeff t1_j188s4a wrote

Look them in the eye and say loudly: FUCK YES YOU ARE. NOW CUT YOUR SIHT. Then turn back and resume original action

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Omneorift t1_j15foje wrote

Say "no" in such a sarcastic way, that they're able to come to the conclusion on their own? If that makes sense.

You could also try "listen, you're not annoying, but I have a lot going on right now and I would really appreciate some space so I can focus."

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