Op don’t make the same mistake I did. He cheated on me before we got married. I forgave him and said it was my fault. I know now that it has nothing to do with me but I forgave him anyway. We got married and he cheated on me after we got married.

We are getting a divorce because I’m so unhappy. Life is so short and you shouldn’t feel lonely when you’re partner is sitting next to you. He has become a stranger and I ask myself sis I ever really know him,

Maybe that is true, he may have ended up cheating when you were married with kids instesd. He is a cheater, you found out now, that is good. Everything else is pretty bad...

It isn't about competing with men, he is likely bisexual. He may still love you; he just also loves this man and doesn't know how to handle that.

That, however, is his problem, not yours. You have been wronged and deserve better. Your trust has been breached and communication has not been respected, what he did is not ok.

Confront him however you need. You can be angry, you can be hurt, you can be confused, any of that is valid; just get closure and make your choice accordingly afterwards.

Don’t blame yourself for choices your BF made, he’s an adult and he is responsible for his actions. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.

Nothing you did or can do will stop a cheater from cheating. That’s a decision that’s 100% on him. You did NOT FU. This is NOT your fault. Get all your affairs in order before speaking to him.

You did a good thing, bringing back someone you believed to be a good platonic friend. He’s the one who chose to cheat, deceive you, and possibly lied about the nature of their previous relationship in the army

I mean... would you rather be in a marriage to a man where the entire foundation was a lie? You're in your 30s. That's some 20s talk, when our brains are still growin lol. Better now than 10 years and 2 kids later, you walk in on him and the neighbor. He did you a favor.

None of these was something you could have avoided. It would have happened anyway. Not because of you, but because cheaters are cheaters.

Go get tested!!!!

There's a saying "once a cheater always a cheater". In this case, I believe Sam, whether with Leo or someone else, was bound to be pulled away because obviously Sam has issues. Cheaters have issues. Those issues aren't an excuse to be a shit person. His lack of empathy, his cowardice to not break up before developing another relationship, that's not on you. Dump his ass and start your healing asap girl. Get with your friends and family if they're near you, whoever your support system is, now is the time to lean on them

Definitely don't blame yourself, if he's cheating behind your back it would have happened or could have already happened. You can't do anything about it. But you should have the conversation, learn from this and hopefully grow as a person.

you are blaming yourself when you should not.

One step at a time! Get tested. Figure out your finances. Create a plan then leave.

OP, it definitely happened before with someone else.

It’s not your fault. You weren’t working with all the information, you were just doing a very kind thing for your SO. I imagine this outcome didn’t cross your mind when you thought about what would happen.

You’re right about these things being hard to talk about. You need to pull it off like a bandaid, or it’s going to fester inside of you until you burst from the emotional stress.

“Sam, I know about you and Leo. This is how it makes me feel..”

How you found out really isn’t relevant, you can tell him, and if you feel the need to defend “I was so shocked I needed time to process it before I could talk to you”

All I meant to say was it isn’t your fault, apologies for getting tangential.

You may feel the weight of responsibility but your bf decided to do this. HE made a choice, and he was always capable of making this choice and certainly may make it some time. You do not deserve to kick yourself over this. It's not your fault.

Dating is about the other person revealing if they are going to be committed to you or not.

This isn’t about anything you did/didn’t do. This was about his choice to not be committed to you.

Better you see that now, Vs later.

No. You didn't cause this to happen. If your relationship was secure, you wouldn't be afraid to introduce your partner to the hottest person in the world. The fact that you will be worried going forward, is a sign that your relationship is toxic.

I wish someone had told me that 15 years ago, when I decided to stay with the cheater. Even if they never actually cheat again, the root issues that caused that person to cheat in the first place, have caused me endless grief.

I understand now that cheating on a partner is a sign of having toxic beliefs about your self-worth, self-respect and/or shame. These can be undone I would say for 100% of people, however it can take years of effort and suffering in the interim, unless you happen to be able to fast-track with a good psychologist.

All that changed was that he did it now rather than later

Unfortunately he was unfaithful and that's real big, but it sounds like he has some things to figure out. May as well bring it up once you've had a moment, he's either gay or bi (unless he already told you) and he was unfaithful. he's probably not being honest about it with himself and now he's hurt you and damaged or destroyed yalls relationship as a result.

He still cheated, I think you should tell him you know asap and take it from there.

Often times when terrible things happen we want to blame ourselves because we want to think that we have control over the situation in some way. If it was our fault, then that means we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

In reality though, many things are out of our control.

It won’t make things hurt less, but I hope hearing this can help you make some sense of these feelings. I’m so sorry. We are here for you though, to listen and to talk if you need it.

It's not you or that guy, it's the cheater's mindset that makes such things happening. Be kind to yourself!

This situation didn't change anything about your character or his, it just illuminated what was already there. That he is a cheater, and that you are a really caring generous person. Cheaters cheat, so even if you hadn't discovered it this time he'd be cheating anyway. Not your fuck up. Everything you did was with a warm and generous heart, and I'm so sorry your partner is such a giant jerk and disappointment, you deserve much better.

Even if you didn't, it would've been someone else

You never know how the dice turn out. Good chance you might found out a similar thing years later after a marriage, or with children in the mix, at that point things become a lot more complicated.

I know your feeling may impact your ability to see things rationally for a while, but I'd like to present a counter-point for you to consider when you're ready. You think it's your fault for providing him the opportunity to cheat. Have you considered that maybe he was always a cheater and that has nothing to do with you? There are plenty of people in committed relationships that have plenty of opportunity to cheat, but do not because they do not want to. The opportunity to cheat isn't the only variable in this equation.

Op you did nothing wrong at all, you should actually be cherished for doing such things for him. Just leave him, sex with an old friend is obviously more important that your feelings and self worth.

If he didn't do it now its very possible he would've another time or already has. Dont blame yourself.

It’s not your fault at all. And chances are you bf has cheated before.

You deserve better than him. Find someone who’ll treat you right.

But whatever you do don’t marry this guy. Never, ever marry someone who cheats on you.

You may have brought the man to him. But he had the character of a cheater before that. You just found out now. Cut your losses and move on to someone who will be loyal to you.

Yeah there's a lot going in here in terms of his closet bisexuality and motivations.

Doesn't change that he cheated and that being unfaithful should always end a relationship

This instance would not have happened but would have ultimately occurred in the future.

Translating your story a bit it reads as “I gave my boyfriend an opportunity to cheat on me and he took it”. That’s his failure morally and a peek into the hidden bit of himself he keeps from you, like we all have. It’s an ugly thing, but you can’t unknow it about him and you can’t trust him since you know. Do the right thing for yourself OP.

If it wasn't this man it would have been another

If your boyfriend enjoys having sex with men there iis a 0% chance this wouldn't have happened whether now or later on down the road when it would have been 1000x harder to leave. Bi-sexual and gay men don't just suddenly stop wanting to have sex with men because they get married to a woman and try to pretend they aren't what they are. It usually gets worse.

It has nothing to do with you or your self-worth. I'm guessing your soon to be ex-bf being ex-military caused him to keep his sexual identity hidden and he just got used to it. But only a horrible person would do that while stringing along someone they are supposed to love.

>!This is always good advice- but, having seen many posts exactly like this before, but not involving another man, I will say this: it's telling that far more people jump to STI's in this case.

My NUMBER ONE ADVICE is to go get tested when cheating is the issue.

>!But homosexual and bisexual men AREN'T inherently any more promiscuous than their straight counterparts.

when did i mention those things on my comment??? Please point it out.

>!The fact that everyone immediately jumps to STI's with a bisexual cheater, while they wouldn't with a straight cheater, does say something about internalized bias: even if STI testing is always a good idea regardless.

Also when did i mention those things on my comment??? Please point it out.

Cheating is cheating and it doesn't matter who one got cheated on with, a man or a woman. Whoever got cheated on SHOULD GET TESTED.

I have never seen a post about someone cheating where one of the top comments didn't involve getting tested for STIs (oof, double negative, mean to say it is always one of the top comments). Because it's always good advice.