[deleted] OP t1_j6aorhz wrote
Reply to comment by olduvai_man in TIFU: Said something hateful to my husband by [deleted]
Maybe I’m not explaining things very well. When I first had our child seven years ago we both worked the same shift, day shift. That isn’t really relevant to todays issue though.
He works thirds now so his sleep schedule is off. He just naturally stays awake all night even on the weekends then sleeps during the day because that’s what his body has accustomed to.
And while I understand that, I was just frustrated that he couldn’t force himself to sleep last night while we all slept so that he could spend the day with us as a family but I know that his body has just acclimated to a different sleeping pattern. I just took my bitterness out on him for me feeling lonely today I think
olduvai_man t1_j6aql1e wrote
In another comment, you indicate that you went on FMLA while he worked (unless I'm reading that wrong). Perhaps that's why you took on the brunt of the child-care (again unless I'm misunderstanding)?
In any case, the fact that you're reaching back 7 years to get upset seems to indicate that there is a larger problem here.
[deleted] OP t1_j6ardgj wrote
No you got that correct. I was on FMLA for three months. However he did receive 2 weeks of paternal leave and it was paid if I recall correctly. He ended up quitting and took out 13k from his 401k to spend time with us while he studied to get into a different field but even then I recall being the one up at night with our child while he slept. He helped. Don’t get me wrong. But he didn’t help in the aspect that I wish he would have. I just need to get over it. It’s not something that’s bothered me for a long time. I think it was just the fact that he was boasting about all that he provided for our child and it made me feel like he thinks he is the one who provides everything.
There have been money issues in our relationship where he’s had to cover some of the bills that are my responsibility. He pays for all of the rent which is quite a bit but I pay everything else. At times he has had to buy groceries and pay for my car payment and such when I don’t get my hours at work. He’s held that over my head many times and I think it’s just gotten to me and when he says things that make himself look good I get defensive about myself because it makes me feel discounted. It’s a me issue and I acknowledge that though.
Anxiet t1_j6atstz wrote
I maybe out of pocket but it comes off as you being ungrateful and resentful. You note what he was doing the fall back on “but I did”. It undermines what he was doing and comes off like it’s not enough. You note he helped a little while doing x or x and y. Then fall back to then throw shade cause you were only doing one thing while on leave.
You comment about money problems… while he doing what it sounds like to solve those and then trying to put in work.
I feel like this is similar to a scenario with my sister. She had kids. She lost SO MUCH time. I feel bad, she missed out on a lot. Her man worked his ass off and tried to be there when he wasn’t tired or beat. He hid it. He would talk to me all the time about how much of a failure he feels like as a dad. Like how he never there. How hard it is and how his kids are close to my sis and kind of with him.
My sister said stuff to him like this and it destroyed him. He never recovered. I wonder if your husband has these thoughts. You should talk to him. I bet he wants to be there.
Idk if you’ve ever switched your body’s clock to another shift but you can’t just flip it for one night. I abused sleep meds to do this. I’m 38 and paying a hard price for this. Breathing issues, head pains, and other issues all cause I worked nights for 7 years and would up n down my sleep by taking a Benadryl or Tylenol sleep till my stomach bled. But hey I paid the bills and still did shit I wanted right?
I’m not meaning to attack you but I think your lost in your feelings and thoughts and definitely think your disconnected from your hubby and the true impact of your words and thoughts of what he should be doing.
olduvai_man t1_j6av9or wrote
Got it, and I pseudo-understand everyone's side in this,
I've got a disabled kid and have worked two jobs throughout the relationship. It would be easy to get bitter and complain, but my wife has always been there to support me and has helped with the kids. If she came out and told me how she shaped them from a young age, I'd agree!
Keeping score in relationships is a sure-fire way to ensure you will be divorced. It's a partnership, and sometimes one group will give more than the other, but it should even out in the end and both sides should come to an agreement that responsibility has been largely shared and that love supported the remainder.
Perhaps your husband is lazy or didn't contribute (it's impossible to determine without his side), but I'd just drop it and focus on the good things each of you are doing now. The father of your children being proud at his role as a parent is a positive thing some would kill for (unless he truly is a deadbeat).
Hope you two can come together, but this line of thinking is a death sentence for a family.
DJ_Rand t1_j6cfdf0 wrote
Agree with you. Furthermore, if someone is happy about something they are doing and just passively saying it such as "I'm providing such awesome stuff for this kiddo." Or "man I've been working hard, it's paying off" never view that as an attack on yourself. Sometimes it's a simple as a person just thinking about what they are doing and being happy about it.
What you don't want to do is tear someone down for doing a good thing. You're better off supporting their decision to do a good thing. Do not take someone providing and doing hard work for granted. This is supposed to go both ways. Build each other up, don't tear each other down.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cxe2c wrote
This provides a lot more context. Your original post is missing a lot of information, and I bet you're still holding on to more.
Either way, I understand it's difficult in the moment to get frustrated when someone doesn't meet your expectations, but you have to understand everyone has limitations. Also, it sounds like your husband has done a ton of work to provide for you.
- You weren't able to meet your financial obligations and he picked up your slack.
- He sacrificed his retirement funds and had to pay taxes on the early withdrawal of them to spend time with you when his job didn't provide enough paternal leave.
- He used his time to study for a new industry to hopefully make more money (perhaps, b/c your contributions are not consistent or you both decided that your total family income needs to increase). IDK.
It's not a race to provide for your child. You both are contributing in very different, but important ways.
Now, this is not to say that he shouldn't praise you for all the hands on work in raising a child. This may be the issue. Just apologize sincerely. But maybe say that it would be nice to be recognized for your work too, if that's what caused it.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cxn3a wrote
Edit (addition): you don't need to get over it. You should think about how each of you contributes to the duchess of raising your child. Plenty of people argue about not having enough to make ends meet, but it seems like your husband is working to make that one less item to stress over.
niko4ever t1_j6d7xcp wrote
>At times he has had to buy groceries and pay for my car payment and such when I don’t get my hours at work. He’s held that over my head many times
You raise a child together but have separate finances? Yeah no wonder it's causing tension between you. Why do you have separate groceries of all things?
[deleted] OP t1_j6d8f61 wrote
We don’t have separate groceries. We separate our finances in which a lot of couples do.
niko4ever t1_j6dbq1p wrote
So it's your job to pay for groceries?
I know a lot of couples that have completely separate finances, but not any with kids. Especially when one works more or earns more. I guess there's no reason it couldn't be done though.
But it's perfectly normal to want to hold things over his head when he's holding other things over yours.
OneOfTheLocals t1_j6bkdam wrote
It's not all you. You're not crazy. Providing financially doesn't mean he has met every single need. He needs to acknowledge what you do and have sacrificed is just as important. Years of doing all of the night parenting still haunt me sometimes. It would be worth looking for a professional to talk to and process some of your totally justified feelings.
Eldryanyyy t1_j6ci3vp wrote
That’s not how sleeping works. You can’t just suddenly change your schedule by 12 hours, then change back, every weekend. To be healthy, your body needs to sleep and wake up around the same time everyday…
zepplinc20 t1_j6d9zet wrote
Yeah I was in a 5 yr relationship where I worked 12hr nights for most of that. Switched my sleep schedule to spend time with her every weekend. That was rough. I realized that she never once stayed up late to spend time with me. Felt a bit one sided.
Kyuthu t1_j6b5yre wrote
Idk why you're getting downvoted for a normal reaction to previous stuff, that you're being very open and honest about and acknowledging was a bad thing. I swear people see a downvoted post and just base their final opinion on what the majority think.
That all sounds normal, either have a good long chat with him about it and explain what's happened and why, and apologise... or maybe therapy if you're not sure where it definitely came from. You wanted to spend time with him, you can't because of his shifts, but today both missing him and being alone combined with him saying something that made you feel like you didn't provide enough made you overly sensitive, (because he's held money over your head in the past so this seems normal, but could also be your own overly high expectations of yourself and insecurities) and in the moment you said something you shouldn't have about him being absent in the past also.
These things bothered you in the past and maybe you didn't address them enough, but the real issue seems to be that you're ashamed about your money contributions, lonely and he's always asleep because of work. You want more time with him by the sounds of it and to discuss and come to terms with the difference in money.
If you've got friends and hobbies I'm betting you're mostly fine, but not fully with him always awake at different times from you. If you don't have these other support systems, and all you have on the weekends is your kid and a sleeping husband... I'm betting the loneliness is actually killing the relationship and your mental health slowly. Idk what the solution for that is, you probably need to work that out together. You're way more likely to snap and say things like this if you're lonely and getting depressed though, and this sounds like a possibility from what you've described.
If he's oversharing with family and that's coming back in a negative way on you, you probably also need to talk about that. There's asking for advice on complicated things and then oversharing for validation and hurting your partner in the process. He needs to make sure he's doing the former and not the latter.
SatyaNi t1_j6cbh88 wrote
It is good you can aknowledge that.
But may be both of you should go to couplé therapy, because there seems to be unresolved issues between you.
One-Mind4814 t1_j6bszsa wrote
As a single mom who worked night shift, when you have a kid you make it work. He SHOULD have went to sleep with you guys so on his days off he can help out instead of staying up late on the days he is off. I feel like you keep downplaying your VALID emotions and it seems as though you’ve been doing it for so long that you finally “exploded” today.
sorry_outtafucks t1_j6cz8vk wrote
With a ton of respect for your superhuman ability as a single mom, OP and her husband are in a totally different situation. Using SHOULD seems super judgemental towards the husband, when it sounds like he's contributing. Just because it's not what you and OP wish, it doesn't mean he isn't doing a lot. What should have happened and what should happen now is for the couple to sit and discuss what they want from each other in the child rearing area. Perhaps, when he wakes up, OP's husband take them ice skating and then out for hot chocolate in a totally cool family outing. IDK and neither does anyone else on Reddit.
Peace.
Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments