The guy that Abraham Lincoln had to clean up after.

OP provided a lot of personal financial information. What good reason can you think of for not creating a throwaway account?

And it works! No one has ever been eaten by an animal while their plane was crashing.

Have I told you the joke about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

“It worked for me a few times, therefore it must be a universal truth.”

A potato is much bigger and is a totally different color.

Citation please? I’m unaware of any reputable scientific study that says civilization has a 0% chance of survival due to climate change.

Man, I’m glad to hear that. I lived in D.C. in the 1970’s and early 1980’s, and I called the non-emergency number on two occasions (one hit-and-run - minor car damage, but I was driving a government vehicle - and one illegal parker who had impossibly blocked my car when I needed to be somewhere). When the police arrived, they literally whined about how much work I was creating for them and encouraged me to drop it. There were also multiple WaPo stories about ambulances that took 20-30 minutes to get to their destination. It soured me against living in D.C. ever since. But I must say I’ve been hearing better things lately.

This also helps weed out unsourced nonsense that occasionally worms its way into Wikipedia.

And from there, it often take a short hop into r/TodayILearned.

(sigh) I’m an old guy, so perhaps “unfunny jokes” is yet another trend that has passed me by.

This sounds like an urban legend. I can’t find anything about this on Google or Google News and I’m sure it would have grabbed the headlines.

The IRS withholding calculator does a pretty good job of recommending withholding amounts for multiple jobs if you can estimate your income from each job.

My favorite episode is when Larry Sanders dates Sharon Stone. The clash of the two Hollywood egos was amazingly insightful. And the way they finally broke up was hilarious.

EDIT: And here is the episode:

https://youtu.be/feALDIaXqpc

The claim that the Republicans blamed the killer rabbit for the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan was made by Carter’s own Press Secretary, Jody Powell. There is no other substantiation for that claim in the Wikipedia article.

I saw Jody Powell speak at a business conference in 1981, and he was so unimpressive that almost the entire audience was shocked that he had been a senior White House official.

The joke is better if the child is the one who pulls it off on the adult.

I was a kid when Ozzie and Harriet was a hit TV show. Although they played a middle-aged couple-next-door, in real life Ozzie Nelson was a popular band leader and Harriet Nelson, formerly Harriet Hilliard, was a well-known actress.

The Nelsons pushed their son Ricky’s singing career relentlessly on that show. It got to the point where they would race through the story line, so that Ricky had five minutes at the end to sing his latest song. As a kid, that was my least favorite part of the show, frankly.

Ricky’s death in an airplane crash was a public relations nightmare. The crash, which was caused by a fire started by a faulty in-cabin heater, was initially and erroneously reported to have resulted from Ricky and the other passengers freebasing cocaine on the plane - an unfounded rumor so widely reported in the national media that some people probably still believe it. Also, Ricky’s ex-wife filed an ugly lawsuit for a piece of Ricky’s estate, which Ricky had bequeathed entirely to his children.

You can’t “should have.”

• Dr. Wayne Dyer

I’m in my 70’s and Alas, Babylon was required reading in my high school.

Not sure what the LPT is here. Always assume people are stupid?

Do you really see a boat full of people reaching a clear and immediate consensus on when they’ve picked up enough stragglers and should start rowing away from the rest?

“He is not just gay, he is Sam Rayburn gay.”

• Selena Meyer in Veep, at 1:33.

Dear Abby is still published today, by Abby’s daughter.

Ann Landers chose not to name a successor, and the column died with her.

Thank you. I initially read this post as, “If you’re considering self harm, do a line or two of cocaine instead.”

For those who don’t want to wade through a long wall of words:

• Fatal Attraction

• Romancing the Stone

• Wall Street

• The Game

• The China Syndrome

Basically all the well-known movies Michael Douglas ever made, plus The Game.

Cue the message about orcs in 3 .. 2 … 1 …