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Grownuppieceofjizz t1_iu8sm6a wrote

Honestly, just tell them. I went through a rough patch a long time ago and leaned on my best friend more than I should have. Luckily she told me and I’m a lot more mindful of it now.

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belongtotherain t1_iu91eb7 wrote

I agree. Be open. Not everyone has the same social awareness as others. Slowly cutting them off won’t help them in the long run.

You could literally just be like “Hey, I noticed that you’re really open with me about your life. I’m glad you can rely on me, but sometimes I’m dealing with my own stuff. Is there someone else you can talk to today?”

I know you said this friend is “immature” but they might be unaware of how draining their problem-dumping can be.

EDIT: Through reading the other comments, it looks like you’re in a university setting. Maybe ask them to see if they can attend low-cost therapy or even free therapy if your university offers it?

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heavy-metal-goth-gal t1_iu9tkep wrote

This is how I feel about our housemate sometimes. She's alienated her own friends because her bf only likes hanging out with his and she's a push over. It's her own fault that we're the only ones left, but we hate the bf, and we don't care to hear about their stupid fights over nothing anymore. IDK why she picks the worst guys always. Terrible taste in men, this one has. But yeah, she just starts in on a rant without asking if we've got the spoons for it. I feel she also has a lot of maturing to do. She's mid twenties.

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rexmaster2 t1_iu9z1ul wrote

Sometimes hearing the truth from those closest to them, never works. They will only listen if it comes from someone else.

I have bought this book for a few friends that have needed it, and it has changed their lives for the better. It is important that her bf not see this, or he will go on the offensive.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans.

And for those considering this book, it does not matter who the aggressor is. It matters that you don't allow the person closest to you treat you this way.

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mercurysnowman OP t1_iu902oa wrote

i know i should because that's the right thing to do but they severely lack maturity and would probably not take it as well as you did.

you might think im being presumptuous here but I've been through something similar before and i know from experience that confrontational approach does not work well when the person in question has a very childish way of thinking and even more childish way of responding

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Chronically_Happy t1_iu96na1 wrote

I humbly suggest you may use this time to reflect on why you find yourself in this situation. What about that personality type draws you into relationship with them? Could you identify that behavior sooner to prevent this inevitable conflict?

I wish you peace. :-}

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Grownuppieceofjizz t1_iu96u5c wrote

Do they take your advice if you give it, or are they just using you as a sounding board?

It’s a tough one if you want to keep the friendship. Boundaries are important in friendships just as much as they are in relationships.

I guess you could just limit your time around them where possible and hope they get the message.

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mercurysnowman OP t1_iu988d0 wrote

yep. sounding board. they just want to engage in the most unproductive of conversations, ALL THE TIME.

and yes that is the plan, limiting my time around them and basically avoiding them till they get the hint.

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Kat121 t1_iu9r7yg wrote

“Hey, we have talked about this person, this issue, this feeling a lot and none of my previous advice seems to be helping you. It may be above my pay grade as your friend to help you. It might be time to talk to an adult or a professional a about this.”

Turn the conversation towards their agency to make a change instead of focusing on what others are doing to them or how they feel. “That sounds terrible, what do you plan to do about it?” “There is nothing I can do, I am a powerless victim.” “That can’t be true, try to brainstorm a couple of ideas no matter how stupid. You’ll feel better.”

Also, there is a form of conversational “grey rock” where you kind of tune out and just reply “cool, bummer, or wow” to everything they say, offering nothing of yourself to the problem. It’s kind of a defense against the black arts reserved for people that just do not take a hint about over-sharing.

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Vio94 t1_iubflr6 wrote

Soooo how is cutting them out of your life not an option? I hope you're actually getting something out of this friendship.

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bart416 t1_iucnz85 wrote

>and yes that is the plan, limiting my time around them and basically avoiding them till they get the hint.

They won't get the hint, all it will do is make you seem more absent, slowly increasing the distance between you two, cutting them off slowly or frustrating them to the point where they cut you off. This method never works and might achieve something you don't want.

Before you do anything in particular, ask yourself: Does your friend even have anyone else to talk to about the issue at hand? Why is this so important to them? If you want someone to back off in terms of complaining it's often a good idea to look at the reason why they're complaining to you about something or someone.

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pineapplecatlady24 t1_iu9uvs1 wrote

My mom is the same way it sounds like… I just stay away from topics that are triggering, avoid asking questions about conflict with them, just respond to things with 1 word answers that you don’t want to talk about any further or try to change the subject. Basically keeping the peace as much as you can. And also if that person is making decisions in their life that a obviously bad for them but they don’t want advice or want to change then learn to accept that you don’t have that control and if anything happens to them it’s not your responsibility in anyway because that’s not your life.

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Spe333 t1_iubgruz wrote

“I think you need to talk to a professional” and recommending therapy isn’t a bad thing. Maybe word it how you think they would take it better?

But a good friend will tell you when it’s time to seek help. A great friend will push you to do it.

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johnsontheotter t1_iuboe9i wrote

Fuck I wish that the person I called my best friend did that. One day they ghosted me. Never talked to me again. I still miss hanging out with them and it was 3 years ago. Found out through a mutual party that they said I was too sad. I was going through a lot and I thought I had a friend to turn to turns out they thought it was better to never talk to me again than tell me what I was doing.

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Coyoteclaw11 t1_iubvpb4 wrote

Yeah... it really sucks when you misjudge your friend's boundaries and lose them as a result. I wish people wouldn't be afraid of setting clear boundaries. It's really hard to depend on people when you have a history of crossing boundaries no one told you about until they got sick of it and just left.

I get that it's kind of scary and that people don't want to be mean or rude or whatever but establishing boundaries isn't a bad thing. No one who genuinely cares about you and wants to be your friend wants to push you past your limits and make you suffer in silence. I don't want my friends to have to put up with me until they can't handle it anymore. But I also don't want to be afraid to talk to them.

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johnsontheotter t1_iuc0xlf wrote

I try and tell myself I'm better off but I miss them from time to time. I learned from it and I think I'm a better person for it but it still hurts that there is no closure, nothing even when I tried to actually talk to them a year after it happened to hear their side of the story and nothing. However I feel that now I hide my emotions and real feelings from people.

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bart416 t1_iucn8eg wrote

If I may be blunt here for a minute: that's kind of a douchebag move on their part, ghosting like that means they were probably never a real friend or have a horrible personality. You might not actually want that person in your life.

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pileodung t1_iub7qsu wrote

Yes on the flip side of this,

My friend and I didn't have this conversation, which resulted in a six year friendship hiatus. We're cool again, but not like we were. I don't think we ever will be.

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dayralio7 t1_iuc3g4d wrote

This comment hits close to home, for many years I was the emotionally draining friend. Part of it was that it's very hard to understand social interaction for me sometimes especially in introspection... What I mean is the very few times when someone was brutally honest with me and made me realize what I was doing, really helped me to become a better person. Always be honest with your friend, sometimes that's way more helpful.

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